A Weighty Issue

So, because I love you all, I have to be truthful with you also.
I’m not going to stating any whole numbers (i.e., how much I weigh or used to weigh, etc.) but other numbers might come up, and with a large amount of talking about eating disorder related subject, so I’m warning you now in case you are sensitive to those kinds of things.  I don’t want to influence any of my recovering readers in any way shape or form.  Please be aware; thanks.
I woke up Friday morning and weighed myself for the first time in FOUR MONTHS.  Now, normally I wouldn’t go this long without weighing myself, but because of my job the three previous months, I had no scale, which now I can’t decide if it was a good or bad thing.  Part of me believes this was a good thing because it moves my always recovering mind away from numbers that have previously controlled so much of my life, but then could also be a bad thing because it makes me paranoid half the time  because I’ll be afraid my weight may have gone up, therefore making me extremely anxious and upset.
Anyhow, I stepped on the scale, mentally preparing myself for what the number might say because the day before, I was horribly upset with myself and my body.  Let me explain:
I have known for some time that my clothes have been fitting a bit differently, but it hadn’t been getting to me as I had convinced myself that much of it was muscle I had been building from all the strength training I was getting in while in Texas. 
I ran an awesome 10k with my cousin and brothers Thursday morning and felt great thereafter.  I came home and prepared my homemade Vegan Shepherd’s Pie and then went to clean up and get ready to go to my great aunt’s house.  I had no idea what I was going to wear, and seeing as how I’ve been missing the majority of my wardrobe for the last three months, and really since January, I had a plethora of clothes to choose from, only I didn’t.  I went to try on a pair of brown pants; they were way too tight.  Shrugged it off, and tried on another pair of pants; they were way too tight too.  My mind at that point is a little confused.  I then went for a third pair bottoms; they were also far too tight.  At this time I was on the verge of tears; nothing was fitting.  WTF?  What was going on?
I finally resorted to a pair of bermudas that were tight, but not as much as the others.  I laid on my floor, staring at the ceiling, tears rolling down the sides of my face, running over the thought of how I was a failure, letting my eating get away from me the past few months, resulting in some extra weight and tight pant bottoms.  At that point I didn’t know what to think…
I kinda went through the day in a haze, numb to the core, depressed by the thought that I couldn’t fit in my pants.  I was more upset about this kind of situation than I have been in years; YEARS.  I should have been focusing on the fact that I was with my family, who I get to see once or twice a year with all the job changing and traveling I do, but I couldn’t.  I was selfish, and absorbed in my own misery and worries.
All of this led to my stepping on the scale Friday morning, after so much anxiety the day before of what the number was going to be on the dial.  I debated even stepping on it, wondering if I really even wanted to know what it said, since I knew full well it would be up from where it was last time, therefore making me feel depressed.  But I did it anyhow.  I was anticipating the worst, ready to take on the fact, and then probably resort to unhealthy means to rid of it as quickly as possible.
It wasn’t that bad.  I was baffled; no joke.  But I was still upset.  Upset because like I said, I felt like a failure, letting my eating get away from me the past few months.  I couldn’t convince myself that I should focus on the positive things like, I just ran my first 1/2 Marathon in San Antonio, I worked on a birding project with the second highest count in the entire United States, and just finished a 10k under the time that I wanted.  Only the negatives were running through my head.  So unfortunate.
I’m now at a standstill.  I don’t even know what to type because I simply don’t know what to think or feel.  One part of me is screaming to restrict as much as I can, run and burn off as many calories as I can, make the weight go away and go back to the “safe” foods, feelings, you name it.  But the other part of me is arguing back, reminding me that if I resort to those means, I’m going to get hurt again, probably worse than before, that my running will become something of a chore and quite painful, I’ll have horrendous headaches and body aches, get moody and upset all the time, seclude myself from anything fun that I finally have piled on the courage over the past year to try, and ultimately, let all my hard work and the hard work of my friends, past significant others, and family go to waste.
I haven’t known who to turn to in all of this, as I normally would have gone to Brad, him being the one person as of late who had understood me the most and who I hadn’t felt embarrassed to talk to about it.  I have many other friends, blogger friends and family who I could have gone to, but I feel like such a burden.  I always, ALWAYS feel like a burden.  I know I’m not, that I’m not perfect and that this recovery is something that means reaching out to people…I just don’t know.
I’m a bit lost at this point, hoping that things will sort themselves out and that I won’t lapse back into my old ways and take things drastically.  I’m fighting as hard as I can in my head and so far I’m winning.  But it’s hard…
I hope that this does not push you away from reading the blog, or finding me a hypocrite with all my talk about recovery, but I’ll still be here.  I’m not prefect, and I’ll continue to struggle. 

Nom Nom

Boy do I have some eats for you.  Mostly a picture post as I’m running around, packing to leave tomorrow for SACRAMENTO!!! I don’t know how long I’m going to be up there, but I really don’t care, because I’m going to be spending time with my best friend Emily of almost 20 years.  Yes, TWENTY YEARS.  I mean, how could you not love this girl?

How cute are we?  And that’s Kindergarten, I was 4. Yes, I started young, but it’s only because my birthday is just after school starts in September. :)

Do I have any readers/bloggers in the Sacramento area?  Or San Francisco?  I know I’ll be making my way over there at least once, maybe a few more times if I can, so I’d love to have a blogger meetup! Email me and let me know!

After our late french toast breakfast yesterday I did nothing but write, check out blogs, and watch TV on our new 40 inch Flat Screen TV!  I was lazy…I did do some stretching though…does that count for anything? ;)

My lunch was inhaled as I made grilled cheese for the brohams and pappi, but was definitely not as Hugh-Ass as some other salads in the blog world: spinach, carrot, tomato, cucumber, celery and hummus

along with an orange…

and soon followed by a Granny Smith Apple, heated with one of my PB Bars on top.  Sooooo goood.  You will see this again.

Since we ate so late I had a simple snack in the evening: grapes and carrots

Dinner was late, quick and simple.  We had a bunch of leftover crackers from Thanksgiving so I paired up the Water Crackers with a Lite Laughing Cow Cheese Wedge, Roasted Red Bell Pepper Hummus, and some baby carrots.

And had almost the rest of my blackberry bread…it’s the second to the last piece.

I was really tired last night, so I hit the hay early, rising well rested for the 10 miler I had planned for today!

I woke up insanely early, but laid in bed for a while…because it was simply too cold. I finally rolled off my bed inflated mattress and had my staple breakfast of a piece of whole wheat bread, a tablespoon of peanut butter, and a banana (normally it’s an apple, but I wanted a banana). 

When I run at home, I have to run city blocks.  Each side of the blocks, are a half mile long, so it’s pretty easy to figure out your route and distance.  I had planned on doing 10 miles, but because I’m lacking my normal math skills, I ended up doing 11.  My bad.  My time is what led me to understand that I added in an extra mile…I knew I wasn’t running at a 10.30 pace (not that that’s bad, but I knew I wasn’t going that speed)!

Oh, but since the San Antonio 1/2 Marathon, I thought I would show you what I have to do to my toes every time I do a long run:

Love the tape.  Love the tape…

I was dehydrated as ever by the time I got home, as all the salt had been taken out through my pores, and were evident by all the crystals planted all over my face.  So I guzzled 24oz of good ol’ H2O.

I cleaned up and finally got myself some food.  I always crave eggs after I run, so of course I have to give into my cravings, right?  One egg and two whites later, combined with a lite Laughing Cow Cheese, ww pita, tomato and spinach I was stuffing my face.

And then I had my new favorite snack: heated apple and PB bar.  Delish.

Btw, this is where I want to go.  The newspaper has influenced me so:

 

Now if only my car would stop ripping me of my savings so I could go out and do something fun.  Gosh.

I’ll be back to post tonight before I leave tomorrow morning for my nice drive to Sacramento.  And be forewarned, it’s going to be a pretty deep post.

Product Review and French Toast

How about a product review, hmm? 

I’ve seen this on a few blogs and was excited that I got a sample in my 10k Turkey Trot (recap here!) Swag Bag!  It was a nice sized sample bag, and just enough for my breakfast!

I like the ingredients and nutritional stats of the product. Pretty simple and nothing fake to me!

I paired it up with an apple tossed in cinnamon, and the last of my plain greek yogurt. 

The pieces were pretty big, almost quarter sized (!!!) and I ended up breaking them apart so I could have more throughout my bites!  The flavor was really nice and I could taste the strawberries! 

 

The sample packet also came with a $1.00 off coupon, so when I went to the store, I took advantage of it!  It was on sale for $3.99 from $4.39, and the grocery store we got to, Ralphs, does double coupons, so I only paid $1.99 for the bag!!!  Whoooohooo!!!

I did my yoga video again and I seriously was having the hardest time doing any of it…I seriously do not have the body to do yoga…every muscle in my body is way too tight.  But thanks to some lovely ladies…I went a little lighter on myself and my harshness.

Lunch was trying to use up what was in the fridge.  So I had the last of the pineapple: (I finished off the whole thing!  Yow!)

And a pita filled w/ hummus and laughing cow light, cucumbers, tomato, spaghetti squash and spinach!

 

Later on I had a Granny Smith Apple…

and one of my PB bars!  So good warmed up!  I should have diced up the apple and mixed it all together…hrm…might see that in the future!

I went on a walk (2 miles) to pick up my car that was getting fixed, AGAIN and basically spilled half my savings to the auto shop…@#$%*(&^%$#%$&^%$@%$#%&^.  Yeah, I was kinda on the verge of tears.  Santa wanna give me some $$ for car repairs?

I was a bit hungry upon return and had a mug filled with Whole Grain Cheerios…Dinner wasn’t for a bit anyhow.

I also caught my baby Lucky sleeping on my brothers dirty clothes…they had a TON of laundry they brought home…boys, boys, boys…

Dinner was simple and filled with laughs because at our table, nothing is off limits for discussion and my brothers are the funniest guys on this planet.  There is never a dry eye after our meals; so much laughing you cry.

I had 2/3 of this bowl of my leftover Vegan Shepherd’s Pie, along w/ a spinach and cucumber salad, and grapes (times 3).

And for dessert I settled on still trying to clean out the fridge, so I had a slice of my Whole Wheat Blackberry Bread and some Vanilla Fro Yo.  Nom.

 

I did some strength training and stretching before I went to bed (about 45 minutes worth) because I was feeling extremely stiff in every joint…I don’t know what is up with me these days.

We’re trying to have as many family meals as we can, so breakfast was an event this morning.  We all woke up pretty late (I around 8, brothers around 9) but I made sure we all had a great meal to fill out the morning: French Toast! 

My mom bought some this French bread slices so I made those for the family w/ eggs, milk, vanilla, cinnamon, and nutmeg.  They topped theirs off w/ leftover Apple Crisp from Thanksgiving and/or some maple syrup and margarine.

I on the other hand I had a bit of a healthier version made with whole wheat bread slices, one egg white, vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg, and topped mine off w/ a banana and some nuked blackberries and raspberries. 

Soooo good.

Now I’m off to get a walk in and sit out in the sun…I’m already starting to lose my tan.  We can’t have that now, can we!

Dana Point 10k Turkey Trot

I ran this race last year, and it was, to say the least, not the best race weather wise.  But this year, it was great! You can read last years recap here, but I know you want to hear more about this year, because it went SO MUCH BETTER!

I was definitely better prepared this year after last years disaster!  I went and picked up our bibs the day before the race, and heading over to my old roomies for Thanksgiving #2 (she lives really close to where we raced!) and to carb load/fill my belly before the race!

I really like this race because not only is it flat and fast, but it also has a good cause attached to it; it benefits the Second Harvest Food Bank of Orange County!

Anyhow, I knew full well that and early arrival to the race start would be essential, so I made my brothers and cousin wake up at 4.45 so we would be out the door at the latest by 5.30 because we had about a 20-30 minute drive just to get there.  Luckily I knew where to go and where to park (being there the day and year before) and when we got there at just before 6am we got the most awesome parking spot: about 150m from the start, and easy access to get out of the area afterwards (since there were two more 5k races afterwards!).

 

The course for this race is very simple, but it has some really nice views of the harbor and Doheny State Beach:

It’s a bit tedious, being there and back four times, but I don’t mind!  I was so engrossed the entire race that I didn’t even notice!

Since we were there a bit early, some goofiness occurred in the car as we tried not to freeze our butts off (it was 45 degrees when we left…too cold for us Californians!):

The race started off nicely because we were able to squeeze in pretty close to the front, but the first mile was a bit crowded, since you run on a two laned road, runners going one way on one side, and returning on the other.  There were definitely a few people that got yelled at. 

There wasn’t too much excitement throughout the race.  I was keeping my pace via my watch and did pretty well, under 9 min miles until around mile 4 when I saw that I had a pace of around 9.25…didn’t seem right to me as I had started to push my self a wee bit, but whatever. 

After that I started to book it.

After hitting mile 5 I was getting closer to a woman in a green top that looked a lot like Jeri, and I was determined as ever to catch up to her beat her.  I was trying super hard to concentrate on her and a few other girls ahead of me…but somehow my legs just weren’t moving fast enough!

Anyhow, I saw the 6 mile marker just ahead of me and told myself, “You have about a lap around a track to go; MOVE THOSE LEGS! MOVE THOSE LEGS!!”  So I did. 

I beat the woman in the green shirt, along with passing up quite a few younger guys in the meantime (suckahsssss).

Here are the results as posted today:

10K Race Results

• Overall: 1122 out of 3802
• Women: 348 out of 2002
• F 20-24: 31 out of 174
• Age/Grade: 56.26% Place: 1136
• Finish: 53:56 Pace: 8:41
• Tag Time: 53:56
• Split Times 5 Km: 27:36 Pace: 8:53

I was shooting to get under 54 minutes and boy did I get close!  But I was certainly excited to finish!  I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t beat last years time (under 53 minutes) but I hadn’t been doing any speed training so I knew my luck was slim.  Whatever, I finished! 

And check out the great company I had to race with:

My cousin Emily and I

  

Eric, Emily, Me, Craig

Craig, Emily, Eric

Me and My brothers (one’s single!  Who wants dibs!?!?)

Twins

And because my brothers are working on projects and finals an early wake up call was not the nicest thing to have when you could have been sleeping in, so Craig fell asleep on the way back (the only reason Eric was up, was because he heard the camera turn on; cheater).

(He’s going to kill me for putting this up…Shh…don’t tell)

Hope you enjoyed my race recap!!! I’ll have today’s food soon!

Don’t forget to comment on my Oh Nuts! Giveaway Post!!!  I know you want to win something!!!

Thanksgivings #2, #3, and #4!

Whew!  Where do I even start?!  From Wednesday night to last night I went to three different Thanksgivings, cooked for each one, and ran a race?!  I’m amazed I got it all done, and stayed sane in the mean time eh?

Thanksgiving #2

It was a pretty crazy day Wednesday, knowing I had to start baking/cooking, posting about my Oh Nuts! Giveaway, picking up race packets, and helping one of my best friends with her family’s Thanksgiving!

I finally got to pick up some Greek Yogurt the other day and like promised, had it for breakfast the next day.  I had an apple topped w/ 1/2 a cup of the yogurt, then smashed up one of my PB bars I made a bit ago for some topping.

Posting occurred, emails ensued, and madness started as I was supposed to be out the door by 1pm to go pick up our packets…but wasn’t.

Lunch wasn’t really lunch, but an assortment of things I could make quick and chuck in my mouth:

I ate the grapes, pineapple, pita w/ hummus, and whole wheat blackberry bread over a period of about 2 hours while at the house before leaving…I don’t really even remember tasting my food.

Knowing I was going to be out of the house and w/o food, I brought along a banana and some PB, which I ate after picking up my brother’s and my race packets.

Then it was over to my old roommates for some Vegetarian Thanksgiving love!  If you’ve been reading the blog for a while, I had Thanksgiving at her house last year after running my 10k Turkey Trot…it was the best Thanksgiving I had had thus far as a vegetarian…

I got to her house and helped make Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Alfredo Pasta and a salad before we noshed on some appetizers:

Veggies with hummus

  

A few edamame

And the most gigantic grapes I have ever seen.  Imagine that, timeslike, 24. They were so good!

Not check out the spread when we were finally finished:

Spring salad w/ veggies and oranges in a raspberry vinaigrette, garlic mashed potatoes, two types of gravy and homemade cranberry sauce

Sweet Potatoes ala Grand Manier, Sweet Potatoes w/ Marshmallows, Roasted Sweet Potatoes, Fresh Green Bean Casserole, Roasted Cauliflower, Mushrooms, Brussel Sprouts, and Red Potatoes, Butternut Squash Sautee, Corn on the Cob, Corn and butter, Cornbread, Alfredo Pasta, Applebread, and Pumpkin Bread. Whew!

 

And check out this TURKEY!!!!  It originally weighed 23 lbs, but after stuffing it with rice and beef, it must have weighed over 30 lbs; no joke. It was a monster!

Here is my plate: Spring Salad, Fresh Green Bean Casserole, Roasted Cauliflower, Mushrooms, Brussel Sprouts, and Red Potatoes, Butternut Squash Sautee, Corn on the Cob

I ate everything but the Butternut Squash dish and some of the potatoes.  I was stuffed!

I had to leave a bit early (her family are very late nighters!) to get to bed for my 4.45am race wake up call, so I had a bite of each of the desserts:

Tiramisu Trifle and Carrot Cake.  I literally only took a bite of each.  Too full!

Thanksgiving #3

I’ll do a 10k Turkey Trot race recap in another post because this thing would be far too long of a post!  Look for it later today!

I decided to make a Vegan Shepherd’s Pie for my meatless entree and take to my great aunt’s so I would have something to eat…other than raw veggies and bread, if you get my drift.

My recipe didn’t really come from any particular cookbook, I kinda made it up. 

Would you want the recipe?  It’s quite simple, and a great way to get in your veggies (I snuck in even more with the potato topping by mashing it with cauliflower!  Sneaky sneaky!)

Thanksgiving at my great aunt’s is always a lunch time event and always has been, and truthfully I was happy for that since the race made me famished!

Here’s my first plate: Vegan Shepherd’s Pie, Fresh Green Beans and Mushrooms in EVOO and Ginger, green beans and a homemade roll (another wheat one was consumed afterwards.  These were tooooooo good to pass up!  My cousin’s husband made them that morning!)

I went back for a little bite more of my pie (Ain’t gonna lie, I really liked it!) and some raw veggies (x2).

We took a walk to the park with my little 2nd cousins and played some baseball before coming back for some dessert.  My mom made a simple Apple Crisp with Graham Cracker Topping, which I had with a little bit of Cool Whip, and two Shortbread Cookies that my Aunt made.  Nice and simple and didn’t put me over the top!

Here’s a few family pictures:

My brothers and our younger second cousins

My family

Almost all my cousins.  I have another older cousin but she left just before…her new baby Charlotte was a bit cranky (And omg, am I really that dark!?  Goodness Gracious!!!!).

We got home around 6.30 and I was getting hungry again.  Veggies only fill you up so much! So I had some more of my pie (!!!) with some baby carrots, and two bowls of pineapple.  So juicy…

Then we headed off to my mom’s brother’s house for dessert!

Thanksgiving #4

We got there around 7.30 and chatted a bit while my brothers and their friend had a plate of more turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing, rice and rolls and then had dessert.  I made a Chocolate Cheesecake (I totally forgot to take a picture of it! Ah!), my cousin made a Cream Topped Pumpkin Pie, and his aunt brought a Double Layer Lemon Pie.

I’m a lemon fan in certain aspects, but not lemon bars, so I was a bit hesitant to try this.  Omg was I glad I did!  I actually only ate the insides and not the crust or whipped cream on top, but goodness it was delicious!

Hope you enjoyed the many Thanksgiving Feasts I attended the past few days!  But most of all I want to thank you all and tell you how thankful I am that you have all been so supportive of me and my blog!  I’ve been writing for almost THREE YEARS (yeah…) and so many of you are still here!  I don’t know where I would be without you!  So…

THANK YOU!!!

Keep an eye out for my 10k Turkey Trot recap later today!