Watching my girls last weekend was so exciting and exhilarating and definitely made me jealous that I wasn’t running a marathon…but in reality, the reason I haven’t run one yet is because: I’M SCARED.
So, why am I so afraid to sign up for A MARATHON?
1. I’m afraid of getting hurt.
When I ran San Diego in 2007 I didn’t run the whole thing. I only ran the second half (and to this day still feel like a horrible fraud and cheater). I started training 6 months in advance with the SD Track Club and was having a blast…until I got injured and it sidelined me from training.
I went to a physical therapist who deemed my calves were covered in tears and not repairing themselves as fast as I was training. I did everything to make them better and even aqua jogged for the equivalent time everyone was running (you can’t even begin to imagine how hard and boring 2 hrs aqua jogging in the pool can be) but I was still too injured and w/o enough training to run the whole thing.
I ran half, and props to me for running that much, but the tears were so bad I couldn’t run for over 2 months after that.
Never again I deemed it in my head…I was too afraid of running being taken away from me.
2. I’m afraid I won’t finish.
I’m terrified that since I couldn’t finish the first one, I won’t be able to finish another one, simple as that. Sadly I’m a bit of a pessimist, but hopefully that will change with time!
3. I’m afraid of my mentality, and therefore afraid of how I’ll fuel myself.
I know the backs and fronts of how to fuel yourself for running before, during, and after long distance running…but I can’t do it properly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully capable of doing it all myself, but my brain sadly, is not.
I have been trying for years and years as I’ve been recovering from my eating disorder to change my way of thinking about running to more of a fun, enjoyable and healthy event/hobby than something that was just a way to burn calories and the food that I eat. I’ve been trying so hard to move away from that bad mentality…but I can’t. My post about finally fueling during my long 12 miler? That took so much courage and created so much stress that I never talked about.
All in all, I’m afraid I won’t be able to move away from that bad mentality. I’m afraid as I train and get into higher mileage than what I had for the 1/2 Marathon in November, that I’ll actually start restricting my food intake even more, which will then screw up my body even more and blast me over royally and horribly in the end.
And now I’m left not knowing what to do. I want to run, but I don’t want to run, and only because I’m afraid. All because I’m afraid. SOMEONE HELP ME! Ok, just some suggestions would be good…from athletes and/or anyone recovering from an eating disorder standpoint…
Thanks for listening…err reading. Hope it wasn’t too painful!
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Anyhow, I was so excited for my lunch today as I got to try the new Flat Out Fold Wrap Artesian Bread thingies that I read about some time ago. Flat outs are hard to find on the west coast, so you can imagine how excited I was to get them again on the east coast! I got the Rosemary Olive Oil one and toasted it in the toaster and topped it off w/ 1/2 a laughing cow light, 1/4 of a huge avocado (mixed w/ garlic, pepper, and lemon), tomato and spinach…the combo was great in my sandwich (and got all over the place) but I was pretty disappointed in the bread as I couldn’t taste the rosemary at all…and was certainly looking forward to it since I love rosemary bread!
I also had a mango on the side that was freak’n tart as heck…but I was kind of digg’n it at the time…
I finished off the meal with one regular and one two chocolate filled Newman’s Own Organics O’s…Fantastic for my currently raging sweet tooth.
I headed out for a bit in the afternoon and returned with a screaming stomach so I had a handful of some snack mix my boss shared with me…
And then a few too many of these:
To tell you the truth, I was really disappointed for myself for having more than I really should have had but…I calmed myself down and settled on doing some yoga instead, 85 minutes worth! It really helped calm me down…I did a bunch of podcasts I have from www.Yogadownload.com and then two that I got from www.YogaisYummy.net per the suggestion from my post earlier today:
Yoga for Weight Loss by Yoga Download
Yoga for Runners by Polly
Yoga for Runners by Yoga Download
Power Yoga #5 by Yoga Download
Yoga for My Muffin Top by Polly
Oh. My. Goodness. My legs are still shaking and my arms are so weak…but now I’m starting to think that I’m getting sick. Dangit. But thank goodness that I do my yoga alone…I would get laughed out of a studio! My Standing Splits? Are more like a Standing 90 Degree Angle Stand…haha. I will dominate you some day!
Dinner was a mix of veggies, black beans, rotel on spinach with an arnold’s thin w/ the other half of the laughing cow wedge from earlier today…
And now I’m going to bed because I think I’m coming down with something…this can’t be happening…I’ve got work starting next week and a 1/2 Marathon to train for! AGGGG!!!
24 comments:
girl thank you for being honest! im sure that so many people have those SAME exact fears as you girl. you are awesome, and you owe it to yourself to dominate this thang! i have NO DOUBT AT ALL that you can do it!
I think the best thing was just getting it all down and out there. Look at the Disney bloggers! I don't think any of them thought they could do it when they first signed up(well, maybe Meghann but that's because she's beast like that) and they did! You can't let 1 bad marathon experience ruin them all. There has to be another aspect of your life where you didn't do something right the first time, or even the 2nd, but got it eventually. Well, a marathon would be the same thing! It just seems different because it looks to be on a diferent scale, but in the end it's the same. To be honest, I'm scared to sign up for a 20 mile run too. But I'm hoping the blogger community will push me towards it.
Shooo, I was just thinking about you as I walked to class today! I thought about how amazing you are for running in the cold. I know that sounds silly and make up, but it's the truth! Know that you are admired by some ;)
Um, also, I ate a 500cal cookie today (and some cheese fries! haha). No need to feel bad about those pretzels! They'll be outta yo system tomorrow anyway. This is what I always tell myself haha. So proud you handled the sitch!
Your honesty is really good. You have reasons for not jumping into a marathon--which I think too many people do.
Your fears are definitely not unfounded, and the fact that you identified them will help you in overcoming them if you one day decide to take on the distance!
hello my love. I had a mango for dessert tonight too. nom nom. I think you know your body and your brain the best, and it sounds like right now might not be the right time for you to do a full. I have no doubt that you CAN and will (whenever the time is right) but there is nothing wrong with running shorter races (rocking a sub 2 hour HM!) and your fave 10ks until everything is there mentally for you to train for a full. Think you can be there Jan 2012? B/c I'm still in for Disney World if you are, just a year late..... :D And after watching videos it looks like it would be awesome to do that one FOR FUN, and stop and take pictures along the course, oh man..... too fun.
Thank you for sharing this! You are incredibly brave. I've felt similar fears lately and I understand what you are going through. Hopefully someday we can both say we are marathoners!
Melissa, you should feel so proud of yourself for writing this post! It takes a lot of guts to admit all of that and I know how hard of an internal struggle it can be. I also have a hard time balancing activity and eating and how much of each I'm doing. I do LOVE being active, truly truly do, it keeps me sane and happy. But sometimes I let myself get to a point that I feel like I have to do it every day or I'll instantaneously become out of shape lol. And then I also know that it can be perfectly healthy to be very active (within reason of course) as long as you fuel for it, and that can be hard mentally too.
I can tell you right now though that you do A LOT of exercise, def more than most of my in life friends, and more than most bloggers, and you do have some good looking eats usually, I know you could stand to eat more and your body would surely burn through all of it and more.
I'm so sorry to hear about your injury, but use it as motivation to keep yourself healthy, physically and mentally. You need to take it easy on your legs so they can heal and you'll be able to keep running for life, and your body will need all the fuel it can get, whether you're running all the time or taking a rest in order to heal those tears.
It's wonderful you kept up with aqua jogging, that take determination and shows just how much you love running! Keep working on it slowly but surely. Anything worthwhile takes patience to get there.
Hope your new job is going well!
Hey, Melissa, I sent you an email.
I agree with what Mica said about not jumping into a marathon. If you're having serious doubts, it's best to work those out before getting in too deep. There will always be marathons for when you're ready.
Lots of yoga! Sleep good and feel better tomorrow. =)
dude aqua jogging is soooo hard, you deserve a medal just for doing that rehab training! i know there's a lot of pride that goes in to marathoning, and i totally admire people who are into them, but don't feel pressured to sign up for one if you/your body isn't up for it! there's no shame in that!
I bet you feel a bit better just by getting all those frustrations out. I've never wanted to run a marathon nor have I battled with an eating disorder. I can't imagine the struggle this must be for you. Maybe just having a confidant along the way would help? Someone to "keep an eye" on you? And maybe don't look at the maraton as something you *have* to finish....just as something fun that you'd like to do regardless of how far you go....(((HUGS)))
I'm sorry to hear about your fears but I commend you for throwing them all out there. It's 100% normal to be afraid of things after a bad experience - if you really want to get back into it then you need to take it easy and prove to yourself that you CAN do it. We all know you can and we're all here cheering you on :)
Melissa, do you have access to a therapist near your new home? Or at least someone you can really open up to? It sounds like you could still use some help in overcoming - or at least staying a step ahead of - your ED. It's obviously holding you back from being the happy person that you deserve to be. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time, and wish you nothing but the very best.
your fears are normal but i know youcan do it! you are so strong and such a talented runner. i believe in you :)
xoxo
shelley
I rarely comment but I do read and wanted to delurk :) This post struck a chord with me- I don't run, but I did take up dancing during a stage in my recovery when I thought I could use it in a healthy way. Sometimes it worked- I felt better about my body, enjoyed feeling strong and healthy, started to see food as fuel to properl me through 2 hour breakdancing classes. Then I had spells when life was stressful or whatever, and I was aware that I was dancing for the wrong reasons. Ie, ED reasons. I guess the questions to ask yourself would be about how much you LOVE running...and make a list of why. If any of those reasons are to do with justifying eating certain foods, weight, numbing out emotions (different from stress relief), determining your worth/proving yourself (again, slightly different from having a focus/hobby/something that makes you feel on top of the world), then you can tweeze things apart a little. It's HARD with an ED history because so many reasons can be enmeshed- I am all about fiery workouts to alleviate stress but the lines get blurry. I know you posted recently about body image struggles right now, and the fact that drinking water during long runs is still such a struggle worries me :/ There is nothing wrong with having a marathon as a goal and there is no rush, you know?..
I hope my comment doesn't sound really demoralising- I have 100% faith that you can NAIL a marathon and in a healthy way. I think being scared is natural and with a history of an ED, it makes things a little less straightforward (k, a lot less straightforward!) but...ack. I am rambling now.
Well I think you stated all the reasons that I generally don't like racing...any races. They scare me and freak me out and I don't want to over eat. I bet you are amazed reading the comments at how many people feel just like you.
I think though that you have proven to yourself through living all over the country, surviving a tough break up and many other things that you can do more than you ever imagined. You are also so very lucky to have such wonderful friends, many of whom run, to support and love you through what will be a mental and physical process. I hope you decide to go for it.
Eeek, hope you don't get too sick! I'm so sorry to hear of your running fears--I'm not a runner, but I can see why there are some things bothering you. You are fully capable of accomplishing a marathon if you want to, but don't forget that the world won't end if you decide not to. :)
Love the thoughtful, honest post girl! I KNOW you can do it!
This is such an honest, amazing post. I think the fact that you realize the specifics of some of your fears says how smart you are and how far you've come.
These are all completely valid fears. Of course, for us there will be an ED side and a non-ED side to every battle. Not wanting to get injured? Well of course you don't, and it's proven that lots of people do running marathons. I honestly know you would finish if you put your mind too it. And I think fueling yourself is probably the most important. To be honest, the reason I have not taken my running to the next level is because I know I am not ready to undertake the challenge of fueling longer runs and training for races yet. In the back of my mind, I hope that one day I will get there. But it's baby steps.
Sorry I don't think I can tell you what to do at this point, but maybe go back and examine your reasons for wanting to run a marathon. What is your ultimate goal? Is it to be proud? Because you have already overcome a lot in your life, and you are already an accomplished athlete in my opinion. You have a lot to be proud of!
Keep us posted on your thoughts! Love you :)
The only way you will know you can do it (because you can!!!) is for you to do it. The advice I give myself when I am in doubt of any new venture (and it happens all the time!) is "You've already guaranteed failure by not trying." and "You are as strong as your mind says you are." and "If you let fear keep you down, you will never achieve." (Yes, I talk to myself. ;)) Trust me! You can do it! I would never have thought 5 years ago that I would have been able to run a marathon until I did it. I am now training for my 8th! I also would have never thought I could lose over 120 lbs. until I did (I used to way almost 300lbs) YOU CAN DO IT!! Can't wait to read about it! Good luck!
You know I always appreciate your honesty.
First, even though it's virtually impossibly not to, try not to beat yourself up about this fear. If you're like me, you're telling yourself over and over again how "stupid" it is that you're letting such a "stupid" thing get in the way of something you want to do so badly...and that you're "stupid" for even being in this situation in the first place. I hope you're not saying these things to yourself, but if you, are...you're not stupid, and it's not stupid. It's a disease. It's a mindset. It's almost impossible to fight at times.
The key word here is "almost." Because it IS possible.
My thoughts when I read this post were maybe that you could use this marathon as a tool...a weapon, maybe...to fight your ED. When you have urges to restrict, MarathonMelissa (ha! How 'bout MM?) can step in and use the marathon weapon to battle those thoughts. You know, MM can step in and say, "Um, excuse me...no. You can't restrict because you have a marathon to run."
I also think that imagining yourself as a mentor for others could help. I never considered it, but I believe if I were to endeavor to run a marathon, I'd have the same concerns you're having. Maybe you could "show" me (and pthers, and yourself) that it's possible to fight ED thoughts in order to train.
Hope this helps!
Thanks for that, I'm scared about it too... Last year I trained for a marathon all the way up to the twenty mile run, and then couldn't run more than two miles w out crying in pain and hobbling. What if that happens again this year? I want it badly though, if anything so I can move on and accomplish more goals. So I'll try, I hope you do too, I think you're amazing! Ps: 85 mIn of yoga??? Please donate your attention span in my direction ANY time!!
While I haven't had the same eating issues as you, I am a runner who has had some injury problems and my biggest fear about signing up and training for a marathon is that I'd put all that effort into my training (both physical and mental) and then get let down by an injury and not be able to do the actual event.
Because of that, I have a few thoughts about "the marathon". First is that although I'd really love to run the 26.2 one day, it is NOT the be all and end all and it will NOT define me as a runner. There are other distances, there are other races, I can still be a runner without running a marathon. Also, maybe I just need a few more years of running and training under my belt before my body is ready to train for a marathon uninjured. My hope is to still be running when I'm "old and grey"...so the marathon will be there for me when I'm ready and I don't want to break my body down so much that I can't run for the majority of my life.
You're really brave to put all of that out there. I hope you can deal with all of those thoughts and fears really constructively so that they make you stronger.
I think you really need to examine why you want to run a marathon in the first place. Think about it, if the Disney girls hadn't done it, would it have even entered your head?
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I know that it's very easy to get caught up in competitive behaviours, especially for those with EDs. The fact that they're already planning their next marathons and running straight after finishing this one is a little over-the-top and compulsive in itself. I know, because I suffer from exercise 'bulemia' and I think it's a very dangerous area to get into. I don't want to see you getting sucked in to injuring yourself by trying to keep up with others.
Since I started reading their blogs, I've become obsessed with wanting to run a marathon too, despite my poor bone density and scoliosis.
Just think about it very carefully, okay?
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