I’ll start off with the light hearted part of me, then we’ll get to the Ask Me Anything!, which will be pretty intense…(and long!)
Anyhow, I was up nice and early at 5am to go out and catch some Wood Storks! We set up huge mist nets and sat in the trucks, to wait.
It was a long wait, and sadly we caught no birds, but we had a great time getting to know each other!
We were out the door by 5.45 and I knew I wasn’t going to be hungry, so I brought my breakfast with me: Banana Nut Odwalla Bar (my favorite!) and an apple.
It wasn’t long before I was hungry again, so I went for my banana and carrots (which were supposed to be for lunch, but didn’t last. oops!)
I couldn’t wait any longer and dug into my lunch at 11am. I was starving! I had one of the last pieces of Dave’s Killer Bread w/ a tablespoon of natural pb and some crofters jam. So good.
Lunch obviously was a bit small, so I dug into my bar reserves; It has been so long since I’ve had a Peppermint Luna bar! Sweeter than I remember!
When we got home I took a 20 min nap and in preparation for my workout this evening had some cashews.
I then went out for a sort-of-run. I ran 3 miles, walked a 1/4 mile in between each one, and the last 1/4 afterwards. My legs and knee felt great! A bit tight, but good! I’m going to have news about potential races or ditching some on Friday!
I came back home with strength training in mind since I haven’t done any in a bit and promised myself to do it 2x a week, so I did the same session I did last week! I’m still walking wobbly if that tells you anything! Whoo!
I needed to use up the refried beans I had saved in the fridge, so I sautéed up some garlic, onions, bell peppers and cauliflower in taco seasoning, then mixed it with salsa and the beans. Whooeee yum! I put it on top of spinach and topped it off with more tomatoes.
I’ll probably have a snack as I can already feel the hunger coming back! [[Edited to add: I had some Kashi h2h cinnamon and chocolate chips!]]
Ask Me Anything: My Eating Disorder
Do you find that you struggle with your ED daily?
I like to say that I’m in recovery, that I might even be recovered, but I still struggle with my eating disorder EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. It influences different parts of my life in different ways, and I go through different sorts of phases, but it always seems to be there. Only once have I ever felt really free of it, and it was sadly only for a short time, but I hope and know that one day I will be able to get back to that.
As of late I have been having a hard time because I got injured after the Miami 1/2 Marathon. I have not been able to exercise, actually just running, since then and it has been ripping me to shreds. This has been hard for me for several reasons:
-Not exercising makes it hard for me to understand hunger signals. Not that I can’t understand what they feel like, but why they are actually there. It’s hard for my ED mindset to grasp that even when I do barely nothing all day, I’m still going to be hungry, and some days more than others. Running has always been associated with eating for me, and after almost 10 years of pounding out the pavement I always feel like feeling hungry has to be justified by some sort of activity I do throughout my day.
-I feel horrible. Not so much physically, because I have been strengthening my body in other ways that running since being injured, but mentally. When I don’t exercise, my mind (ED mindset really) has this ridiculous idea that all my hard work is just going to fly out the window overnight; that I’ll lose the fitness I’ve acquired, become less athletic looking, etc. It’s pathetic really, because I know and understand it will never occur, but the thought is still there.
-It makes me jealous. Yes, I get exercise jealousy. When I see my coworkers and read all the blogs about the exercise everyone is doing, I get jealous. I feel lazy just sitting around letting things heal when I could be out running with Brit, or trying out routines like P90x or 30 Day Shred. It drives me up the wall. It makes me feel weak and frustrated. I just want my body to cooperate and let me do the things I enjoy and help me get through life without being driven crazy. All in all though, I know I’ll be able to do those things eventually, I just need to be better first!
Did you ever have therapy for your ED?
When I was in college, a friend of mine forced me to go to the counseling center on campus because she knew I was starving myself and was making myself sicker as time went on. It wasn’t anything official, but I did see my general counselor for the spring of my Freshman year, all of Sophomore year and the first half of Junior year. Every year I went and saw him less, going from once a week, to once every two weeks, to once a month, to once every two months. I only saw him once my Senior year, and it was basically to just go and catch up (and he had moved out of the general counseling center into a different section).
We didn’t talk about many things that really focused on my eating disorder as he wasn’t an eating disorder specialist or anything, but more about the things in my life that might be contributing to the occurring problem (moving away from family, starting at a new school, losing two grandparents in a very short amount of time, etc). I would have (and in a sense still do) liked to have actually worked with an ED specialist and dietitian/nutritionist, but never got up the guts to do it (and never had the $$ either). Maybe one day.
I am working my way through recovery from anorexia, but I am still very strict with my eating/mealplans/etc. Just wondering how you got to where you are today with your eating. You eat healthy, yet don't deny yourself treats, and don't seem to follow a set meal plan. Is eating and calories still a fear for you?
It has taken me a very long time to get where I am today. I went from eating very restrictive in both foods and calories to, even now, still trying to integrate foods that I am afraid of (pastries anyone? bagels? candy?). Coming into recovery I was not provided with a meal plan and never followed one I might have found anywhere, but basically did it all on my own. It was hard, but I did it. Slowly I started to add in, granted in very small amounts, foods that I had nixed from my diet, and up the amount of calories I was eating. I won’t provide numbers, but I had certain “trigger numbers” for certain foods and days (ie ones with or without exercise) and I think that was the hardest part of moving through my recovery. The calorie counting had been ingrained in my head and no longer was food looked at for it’s nutritional value, but simply as a number. Basically I just had to keep pushing myself, as hard as I knew it was going to be.
Today I still struggle very much with numbers. I got through phases where I won’t calorie count for a bit, then something will click and I’ll go back to it, and then fall back out of it again. Right now I’m currently counting and measuring everything, but I’m trying to get away from it by hiding measuring cups where I can’t get them and using bowls/utensils I’m not used to using. It’s hard, especially right now with the injury issue I talked about, but I know that as long as I keep trying, I’ll more than likely move forward than backwards!
Still on the discussion of numbers, I’ve fortunately been able to walk away from the obsession with the scale (since I move around so much and don’t own one, or have one at my disposal wherever I go). I used to weigh myself religiously every morning after I woke up, to probably around 20 times a day when I was at my worse. Now a days, I’m lucky if I weigh myself more than 4-5 times a year! That’s exciting and uplifting to me!
I also don’t have much of a problem with clothes and numbers because I hardly ever go shopping (since I don’t have much $$ to spend!) and have been wearing the same clothes for years. I did have a hiccup about this when I came home after working in Texas this summer and fall, but got over it when I realized that I had worked parts of my body differently than ever before, ergo changing how I would fit into my previously owned clothes! Now I’ve just accepted it!
Do you know approximately how many calories you eat daily? It doesn't seem like you eat a lot on the blog, so I’m just curious! Also, I’m not suggesting you calorie count, just wondering!
I answered this yesterday, but I’ll say it again: I get in around 1600-2100 a day, depending on my activities. I never eat less than 1600 and often can eat more than 2100 on a day when I am doing a lot of field work or exercising. It just all depends…and I try my hardest to listen to my tummy!
And I’m concerned you’re concerned I don’t get enough to eat! But my answer to my next question might help remedy that!
Do you document everything you eat on the blog?
Simply put: No. There are many times where I eat the same snacks day in and day out and are grabbed on a whim, so I don’t take pictures or talk about them. I have been trying to get more of a focus on the blog, and trying not to bore you with bowls of cereal or carrot sticks and apples. Therefore you’ll probably see more pictures of just my meals since they’re maybe a bit more interesting…but like I said, many of the munchies that I get are left out of the blog.
Hope you made it through the monster! And I’m glad to hear everyone is enjoying to get to know me better. If you ever have any other questions you can always email me (trying[dot]to[dot]heal[at]gmail[dot]com) and I’m here to answer!