Thank you everyone for the positive remarks about the Side Note Feature (and comments on yesterdays specifically) I’ve decided to start including in the blog! All of your support has made it that much easier to start this, get through the hard times and also makes me see how much I can reach out and help others too!
But please be away these Side Notes will be extremely raw and might trigger those trying to recover. I ask you to proceed at your own risk, read what you can if you want, and if you’re not comfortable but still want to discuss the issue, feel free to email me any time you need.
I’ve got another one today, working off of yesterdays Overcoming Fear Foods, which you’ll find in the post in a bit!
But first…today was my first ay of intense field work for the season. And it was awesome. I was exhausted by the end of the 11 hr day, but saw so many awesome things!
There was a lot of finding points in the middle of very burnt parts of the Everglades…and walking long distances out to it!
Me and my coworker in action.
Look at the snake skeleton we found; sucker got burnt to a crisp!
But not only did we see a dead snake, we also saw TWO LIVE SNAKES TOO!!! EEP!!!
Stay away from me you deadly things! No Biting! I don’t need no poison! Because instead I have holes and cuts all over my feet and legs that hurt and burn. Arg! Made for an awesome shower the second I got home.
See all that black in the background? It’s the burns they did yesterday. We had to go out to random points already picked out on the GPS, look for dead invertebrates, and take different height measurements. We didn’t see anything that we could count…but we sure did get an intense workout! It was like being on a Stairmaster all day! So much high kneeing since you sink with every step!!!
I was totally out of it by the time I got home. I was pretty numb, mentally and physically. But after cleaning up and mending to some wounds, I made a good dinner: Mixed fruit bowl!
Leftover Amy’s Tomato Bisque with added vegetables and tri-bean mix. Warm and tasty!
And what better than to have a Blackberry Chocolate Chip Muffin with Dark Chocolate Dreams (that I’m now OUT OF!!! CATASTROPHE!!!) for dessert with some Candy Cane Lane Tea?!
~~
Side Note:
So yesterday I talked about one of My Fear Foods: PEANUT BUTTER. Not only do I find this item harder to eat than others, but also BUTTER, MARGERINE, CANOLA OIL, OLIVE OIL.
Notice a trend? Things with fat? Yes, anything with fat kills me mentally.
I have banned these items in every form, on anything, in every way. I remember times when I used to enjoy them: on my Mom’s Homemade Banana Bread hot out of the oven, on my Grandmas Sunday Pancakes spread with jelly, and in my other Grandmas Homemade PB Filled PB Cookies in care packages sent all the way across the United States. How could I let my fear keep me from such beautiful things? Why do I let one ingredient ruin such wonderful memories?
I have been thinking about this with a bit of time I’ve had out in the field playing passenger, the idea of why I’m afraid of “FAT.”
- Why am I scared of it?
- What makes it so bad?
- How did I get the idea in my head that if I consumed these products, I would instantly gain weight, ruining all the hard work I put in to make me look the way I look?
The last question screamed so many different things to me…I really don’t even know where to start!
I know that when I first developed my ED that I cut all fat out of my diet. Everything became fat free and sugar free, filing my body with so many foreign ingredients that I cringe at the thought of it now. But why did I decide on that ingredient? Why not other things that fad diets scream: protein, carbs, sugars, etc? I believe with all my heart, I convinced myself that if I consumed these “fatty” ingredients, I would wake up the next morning with a second butt, double chin and love handles.
It’s ridiculous, I know. I understand that. I know the truth and logic and accept it, but I JUST CAN’T DO IT. The fear is still standing in my way, blocking me from the step I want to take away. I have tried different mechanisms, like incorporating these things into the food I made at home, baked goods and dinners, accepting foods from friends/others, but something just isn’t clicking.
I have slowly been able to add olive oil into my diet, but it is far fetched. I use it rarely and rely on adding in enough water/stock to keep things from sticking and depend on my PAM spray to do the trick entirely. I realize by using it my food would probably taste a whole lot better, but I just can’t. When I do consume it I see that when I wake up the next morning I don’t have the horrific results I fear, and am just the same ol’ me I was when I went to sleep. So why can I not just let it go?
It’s still something I’m working on. I’m always looking for different ways to overcome these fears and the one that seems to work the most is getting my buttons pushed, by someone else. I know that I should be able to do this by myself, but at the same instant know sometimes I have to reach out and ask for help. So all my loyal, lovely, and new readers that have come across the blog:
How are you overcoming foods you fear (if any! Because if you have none, I’m envious!)? What seems to have worked and not worked? What did you find most difficult about it?
16 comments:
isnt it so crazy how NO ED is the same?! i have NEVER been afraid of certain foods, but rather calories. for me it was all about calorie count-i could eat all carbs, all fat, all protein and it wouldnt matter, only the calories! weird, huh? and even thru recovery it was like that! i find this soo interesting!
like katie i was all about the calories, didn't really matter where they came from. but of course fat is more calorically dense for a smaller portion, so naturally many of my fear foods are fats! i still struggle with incorporating those things into my diet. i'm not sure if it'd work for you, but i've begun eating "versions" of the foods i fear (but with the clear intention of working towards the actual food, not just replacing it with the lower cal version!) like for cheese i now eat laughing cow instead of none, or with peanut butter i'll eat some pb and some pb2 which is not high in calories, i'll use olive oil spray (more than one spritz!) whipped butter instead of the regular kind,etc. it's not perfect, and i have to be careful about getting too comfortable with these impostor foods lol but i think it's helping me overcome my fears. omg, i could NOT do your job, snakes scare me senseless!
ewww, i hate snakes! but i must say, those were pretty cool looking...you see so many neat animals on your field adventures!
in terms of fear foods...for me, it's certain complex carbs. i used to never eat bread or rice (unless i eat sushi...but even then there were times where i would just pick off the fish and leave the rice on my plate and tell people i'm saving my stomach for the fish since that is what i'm paying for). i still rarely eat rice and i almost never eat bread or toast. starting last year, due to the influence of my then-boyfriend, i started eating noodles again...but when i have a noodle-based dish, i'll eat all the vegetables first to try to get full off of that.
it's completely illogical because i don't have the same fears about cookies or cakes or pastries which are way more fattening and bad for my health.
i also don't like nut butters but i think that might just be due partly to personal preference. but every time i have eaten peanut or almond butter, i feel like i have literally gained a pound right then and there and i feel horrible afterwards. i don't feel the same way about cooking oils, though...not sure why. funny how my mind is so inconsistent.
The fats were what scared me too, and they still do. However, I do use them more often than I did before. I started to notice that my hair was thinning when I wasn't getting enough fats. That was a big wake up call for me and something that I felt extremely self-conscious about. Now, I incorporate some healthy fats into my diet: a little bit of avocado, nut butter, hummus, about a tsp. of olive oil if I am making sp fries. I am still scared to jump on the fat train completely. I know I am doing A LOT better than before (when I would literally not want to consume one gram of fat). I feel like once I start letting myself eat whatever, I will start binging. Eating anything and everything. I want to be healthy, but at the same time I don't want to be overeating.
I think fear of some foods has left me as I've learned more about them. Like the health benefits of both nut butters and olive oil, and how I know eating whole foods is better for me than something processed. I make my own peanut butter now - just throw peanuts in a food processor - and I feel so much more free to eat it because I made it and I know it only has peanuts in it. And peanuts are a whole food and they grow and they can't be that horrible for me. So I'd say learning about food benefits has been the best thing for me and has helped me embrace foods rather than shun them!
(Keep up the asides!!!)
I don't have many fear foods anymore but I am still working on the fat issue. I've been adding more fat in these days and have noticed how much more satisfied I feel. Working with Gena has helped and hopefully, I can stick to all the fat once we stop working together.
I liked your side note feature too!
I have to say, taking nutrition courses really helped me overcome fear foods. For example, I took an entire class last semester on carbohydrates and lipids. They are important in so many biological functions! So if I reduce my fat intake now I think "omg, what about the myelin sheaths?????? What if I screw up my neurotransmitters?" lol. Maybe that's just more paranoia though?
When I'm majorly stressed out, I definitely see a return to irrational fear foods. This is a hard semester for me, and I feel like my mind copes by making "rules" that don't make sense. Right now, they aren't interfering with me getting good nutrition though and I know that graduation is just around the corner :)
I'm the SAME as the first two commenters. I avoided fats but only because they had more calories than other foods. If I was somehow able to incorporate them into my "calorie plan" I would be all set.
HOWEVER.
Pasta is still super scary to me. For some reason I always seem to believe it is just LOADED with calories...even in a small amount. GAH!
so glad you've started this side note on your blog! i am actually in the same mindset as you. i am afraid of fat. the only fat i really consume is pb, like you talked about yesterday. i am VERY afraid of butter and have also started using a little olive oil to cook in. i am actually trying to incorporate more fat into my diet, but i am finding it a bit difficult because i realized that practically all of my foods are fat-free! augh! i am also concerned about the calorie counts, so as moretolifethanlettuce said, fat is the first to go because it is more calorically dense. i'm a volume eater, so its a tough balance for me to make sure my mind thinks i've eaten enough to be full, watch the calories, and eat calorically dense food. one thing that has been working for me is buying not full-fat dairy, but 2% dairy, like string cheese to include in my snacks. whew that was a long comment... sorry. good luck!
It so weird --some people are afraid of fat...others of carbs...others of calories...
Fat is NOT a problem for me - neither is calories...i could eat nut butter , nuts, oils, etc etc ...full fat nondairy milks, everything and never ever be bothered...
my problem is that my sister always has associated carbs to exercise...and since i dont exercise, i feel guilty about carbs....its rotten....and the only person that can change the self is the self....its one thing to do it...but to stop the stupid guilt and confusion KILLS me...
have a nice day Melissa.
Hun, I hear ya on the fats. I am anal when it comes to butter, oil and I still will NOT use margarine even though I buy the "healthy" kind. I'll only use spritzer butter and my olive oil mister. I also always sub it out when baking for fruit purees. I remember baking with oil, butter, etc and not thinking twice about it. Now it just grosses me out to even measure the amounts. I did Weight Watchers a few years ago which was a great program that helped me lose 15lbs. On the other hand, it also left me with a sometimes unhealthy view of foods that I really should be incorporating into my diet. For instance, I bet if I ate some butter/oil, my skin wouldn't be so damn dry. *sigh*
On a more chipper note, your job rocks. I'm seriously jealous sitting here at my desk looking at your cool pictures (especially the snake skeleton!And that bowl of fruit looks awesome.
i really appreciate your honesty when you answer your questions. yes fats are scary but remeber- it is all in moderation. i also was liek katie/stephanie with the calories though.
I can definitely see why fats/oils would be a fear food. I do use them regularly, but if I'm really honest, I know I would cringe if someone presented me with, say, a salad that was drenched in oily dressing. Or seeing the grease that stains a pizza box. We've been conditioned that way in our culture, in my opinion, so I wouldn't beat yourself up over this one. The number one thing that makes me NOT fear adding a reasonable amount of fats to my meals is the nutritional benefit! My skin glows, I feel great, my hair and nails are healthy and I stay full longer. Can't shake a stick at that!
It is so crazy the things we can convince ourselves of, and how we each have our own fears. For me, I'm fearful of the same foods as you (olive oil, butter..) but because of the calories, not the fat content.
But I think you are wrong to say that you "should" be able to overcome these things on your own. We all need some support, and it can come in many different forms. Definitely having the "assistance" of others helps me overcome fears around food.
Looks like an awesome day in the Everglades. By the way, I passed the sunshine award to you. :)
http://veganmindedblog.com/2010/02/18/sunshine/
Again, I can relate. Fat has always, always been what I am afraid of. Which eliminates a lot of things. Some things I feared the most were peanut butter, eggs!!!, olive oil, butter, avocado, and anything fried. What has helped me to overcome them is knowing how good they are for me.. and they taste amazing. Like with nut butters, little by little over time I would add just a little more to my morning oats until now I am eating a full tbsp (which is a BIG step, or was a big step).
And i'd always be afraid that if I ate these things, or ate too many calories in general, I would wake up and have gained tons of weight and be HUGE. Like you said, time after time I was proven wrong but it still doesn't click - the fear is still there. I still do struggle with some of these things, especially the oil. But it's better! And it's all about progress.
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