[[Side Note: Pasta
Out of all the fear foods that I have, this is the one that I am most ashamed to admit.
PASTA.
I mean really? It’s such a simple ingredient. It’s healthy for you. It’s versatile as it can be eaten in so many different ways and flavors.
But it scares the living crap out of me.
If I can recall correctly, I think I have eaten any sort of pasta: spaghetti, lasagna, manicotti, etc., THREE TIMES IN THE PAST YEAR.
Yes, only THREE TIMES.
Unlike the other fear foods I’ve been incorporating into my diet like avocados, olive oils, and peanut butter, this one has yet to provide any solace from the fear I have encompassed around it since the beginning of my eating disorder.
Before now, I have always told people, basically LIED, that I don’t like pasta. I have made up so many excuses about why I don’t eat pasta that it’s ridiculous. But I do it, every single time. And all because I’m afraid to eat it.
To admit this is very hard for me, as I’ve told only one other person of this fear food: Brad. I remember it distinctly and felt absolutely horrible in the process. It was last year, and we were shopping at Publix one night. We were meandering the aisles, looking for the things we needed for the week and paroozed the pasta aisle. I believe he was just looking as was I, but as he was trying to decide which kind of pasta and sauce to get, I was agonizing over telling him the truth that I had been wanting to confess, yet terrified to, for so many years.
I turned around to him and said, “Can I tell you something?” He looked at me and of course said yes and I replied, “This is going to sound stupid. But it’s not true that I don’t like pasta. I love pasta. I always have. But I’m afraid to eat it.” He looked at me a bit blank for a minute and then gave me probably one of the best hugs I have ever received in my life as we stood in the middle of that aisle in Publix. I was on the verge of tears but held back because I was so horribly embarrassed.
After a bit, we continued to look and he discussed with me about why I was so afraid to eat pasta. He went over a list of how pasta was good for you when eaten with the right things and could be made even better depending on the type bought. Of course I know all of this, I have researched pasta and know it like the back of my hand, but from what I can tell, there are two main things about pasta that I fear the most: CALORIE COUNT and SATIETY.
I know that pasta is calorie dense, but when I really look at some of the other things I eat, they’re probably just as dense. I just can’t get past the fact that you can only eat what seems like so little for so many calories. And then there is the aspect of satiety: I’m always fearful that pasta will not keep me full, and because it has so many calories, will lead me to eat more after the fact because I’m still hungry, and will increase my calorie count above what I might have allocated for myself.
It’s a horrible cycle, but I have yet to be able to break it over all these years. I suppose it’s also the fact that I can’t easily measure pasta with a measuring cup when it’s raw like I can with peanut butter and oils.
All in all, it feels ridiculous to be so scared of one food. I tell myself when I think about eating it, “IT’S JUST FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” but it never works.
I hope that someday I’ll be able to eat my favorite bow tie pasta, sautéed in olive oil with toasted pine nuts, spinach/broccoli and sprinkled with parmesan/mozzarella cheese and served piping hot with a glass of red wine. Some day. One day. Hopefully soon. ]]
It’s a crazy night tonight with it being my coworkers birthday and one of our interns leaving so hopefully I’ll be able to catch up on your blogs this weekend! I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you; believe me, my google reader is screaming at me!!!!
18 comments:
i feel like i struggle with my mind ever. single. day.
u should check out toseekmyself.wordpress.com
She is a beautiful blogger and I consider her a friend and she has embraced carbs after so long with fears.
I LOVED your story with the Pasta Fear Food....I think that's one thing I LOVE about you - you are so real and honest. It's hard to share but you put it all out there.
I believe in you and I know that you will brave your fav pasta one day. did you know that farfalle (bow tie pasta) stands for butterfly? Butterflies, fly, like birds you watch....so does that make it a little better :D
Have fun tonight celebrating!
xoxo!
YOU GET EM GIRL.
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself".
Let's try pasta. together... well together via blogworld ;)
Pasta is a weird food for me. I do like it, but as a volume eater, too much of it sits REALLY heavy in my stomach and then I feel gross. But one serving just isn't enough. So I tend to avoid it. Also, I've only ever liked tomato based sauces. Anything creamy or oily gorsses me out.
The 2 of us seem to run very parallel when it comes to food. I don't believe I've ever had an eating disorder, but maybe I'm wrong about that. Hmmm, food for thought.
Pasta is my #1 fear food, for exactly the same reasons you described. it's so strange, because growing up it was my #1 favorite food. I don't know how to get over it.
Thank you for sharing ... you're amazing.
Wow. What you wrote completely hit me; I feel the exact same way about it! My family is Italian and growing up, we ate a lot of spaghetti and macaroni. As my e.d. developed, it was the first food I cut out, and it's one of the only ones I have yet to be able to approach again, likely because it was a favorite binge food of mine. If I don't keep track, I could easily eat three portions, and that thought terrifies me...so I've blurted out every excuse possible not to eat it. I'm still reluctant to touch it. One day though, you'll be able to embrace everything and indulge healthfully...I just know it :)
That is *exactly* how I feel about noodles and rice...totally one of my irrational fear foods. I used to even pick out the rice from sushi. You can do it, though! Just one step at a time. And as always, thank you for being so courageously candid in your journey.
You've now got me wanting your favourite pasta dish...that sounds delicious! I hope you can one day enjoy it without fear.
can i just say that this post really, really hit home for me? we are so similar in our food fears. i am so totally scared of pasta. like you, i have an issue with the calorie count and density of it, and that i'll need to eat more afterwards b/c it didn't fill me up. you were so brave to finally admit it to brad... i don't think i've told anyone explicitly, but since my family sees what i eat everyday and i don't eat with them when they have spaghetti (sometimes i'll have shiritaki noodles instead... clear giveaway), i think they know.
i think part of the problem is that with peanut butter, avocado, and oils (all of which i have also successfully brought back into my diet happily), pasta is usually the MAIN aspect of a dish. the pb, avocado, and oils are side aspects, drizzled or topped on top of other things. so we tend to use less. or at least that's how i see it in my head right now.
i'm also a huge volume eater! that's why i love my huge salads topped with 3 or 4 yumtastic things -- it fills me right up! and for the same amount of calories, i could probably get 1 cup of pasta and some marinara sauce...
i know that we can beat this, though! hoohah!
I think you feel the way a ton of people do.
I think it's a good idea to make the supporting actor and not the lead role. I like to add lots and lots of veggies and tomato based sauces and have it w/ something else.
Funny - when people say they don't like pasta, I usually don't believe them. It's such a neutral and diverse food that I think people are fooling themselves.
To be perfectly honest, although I love it, I'm a little afraid of pasta, too. If it's not portioned out, will I eat the whole bowl? ('Cause I could.)
Just as you said, pasta is just another food and it could be really satisfying. Actually I find meals high in carbs and fat are the most satiating meals. But it's great that you know your fears and your reasons, so you can attack one each time and one day you'll conquer them all!
Pasta definitely used to be one of my fear foods, and 99 times out of 100, I will not order pasta out at a restaurant. I have, however, become comfortable preparing it and eating it at home (mainly bc I now live with my boyfriend and pasta is a really easy dish that pleases us both!) To make it more filling, I usually add a protein and some veggies ... that way it is almost like rice! I buy whole wheat varieties and use either tomato sauce or olive oil/parmesan. Served with a side salad, it is very filling and balanced! You can do it!! :)
How about starting easy? Make a big bowl of veggies with sauce and just add a bit of pasta to it. Over time you will become more comfortable changing that ratio and adding more!
You are always so honest, and so brave!
First of all, I think it's major that you've embraced other foods you were scared of: avocados especially (says the avocado queen!:)) Realize that these things happen one at a time, not all at once! So just the way you were terrified of nut butters at one point, but now aren't, you'll soon be able to eat that bowl of pasta without fright.
Also remember that pasta IS and can be very filling, especially when you make it with lots of veggies in your marinara! Tons of fiber, tons of nutrients. Maybe you could whip up a veggie sauce to go with the spaghetti, and a little parm or nooch on top--I bet you'll be sated and also so thrilled with the taste.
And there are also really fun pastas to explore: I happen to love soba noodles, and a few clients of mine have mentioned that Tinkyada's brown rice pasta is stellar.
xo
i'm the same way! esp the part about satiety, nothing scares me more than the thought of eating a "fear food" and still being hungry! i recently had a bowl of WHITE pasta and let me tell you, it was great!
I usually just have a ton of sauce, veggies, and beans with my pasta and it will fill me up well! I honestly think I end up with more toppings than noodles. It is definitely a staple food for me!
do we share the same brain!?!?! honestly- i feel the exact same way about pasta!! it is really embarassing but i know exactly how you feel- the full factor is exactly what I fear, it is so unreasonable!
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