So Now What?

[[Side Note: The Second Wave

After finally being confronted by my friend and confessing to my family that I had an eating problem I remember sitting there and thinking: NOW WHAT?  How do I go about trying to get back to my normal self, or person rather, since my head is seriously screwed quite possibly beyond repair?

It was suggested to me by my counselor that I try and see a dietician to work out what foods I needed to gain back all the weight I had lost, how to overcome my fear of certain foods and resolve my control over eating only a certain number of calories.  I was left in a bit of a debacle because

• A) I’m a student, therefore I’M BROKE
• B) Where am I going to find one?  I had no idea where to look?
• C) I’m afraid to still reach out to others
• D) I’m not ready for someone to tell me what to do.

There was so much fear in going to a dietician to start my recovery, so eventually, I told my counselor I would be ok and do it on my own.  Now most would think, how the hell is a severe anorexic going to heal herself from this horrible thing she has put upon herself?  How is she going to get past so many of her fears and troubles ALL BY HERSELF?  This is something you have to be very very strong for, and even many who do get professional help do not succeed and fail or have major relapses.

So now what?  What do I do?

I read.  God, did I read like a maniac.  I read so many books.  I checked out every single ED recovery/psychology/self-help book from the library I could.  I spent hours at Barnes and Nobles and Borders reading in the aisles.  I spent hours taking notes and trying to determine the best way to go about healing myself.

I learned a lot of things, including the horrible effects I was letting take toll on the one and only body I have.  I became afraid of what I had done to myself and grew to proceed on a mission to make myself better.

So what first step did I take?  I joined a group.  Not a real group, like ones you’d  attend everyday or see people and talk to face to face, but a virtual one.  I found a web board on one of my favorite medical websites, WebMD, and joined their Underweight Support Group (which now is just included in an all encompassing Diet Exchange Site they’ve created recently).  I was terrified in the beginning, talking about my struggles and the things that I ate, didn’t eat, or was afraid to eat, but over time it became my life savor (I like to believe it was my first entrance into a blogging type of world as I updated on there several times a day!)

At the beginning, I introduced myself, told my story and got the most helpful feedback from some of the greatest girls in the entire world.  They were in essence, the ones who held my hand through most of the really painful things I encountered with my recovery by myself.  Everyday at the end of the day I would log in and post a food journal (FJ), telling how much I had eaten at each meal and how much exercise I had gotten that day.  With each FJ posted, I would get feedback about where I could incorporate more food, the different foods I could try adding in in little amounts, and how to reduce my exercise to prevent from burning more calories.

In the beginning it was hard to listen to their suggestions, adding in the extra 1/2 cup of cereal, an apple with the skin, bread with the crust, peanut butter in a form that wasn’t included in a granola bar, a dessert, etc.  It was some of the hardest times I had, since I had no one there physically to help me and hold my hand along the way.  But their reassurance on the board and through emails and chat made every bit of effort that much more worth while.  Their confidence and power was overwhelming and made all the difference when I wanted to give up.

It took me a long time to start integrating more and new foods into my diet.  I had a “forbidden food” list a mile long, and I posted about some of the items and my fears behind them.  Over time, some of them being a very long time and still to this day I can’t get myself to eat or comfortably eat, they were digested by my little belly.  How was I able to restrict myself from chocolate for so long?  How did I avoid eating bread or carbs in any shape other than fruit?  How did I do it?

I think back on it now and all the effort that I must have put into my days avoiding so many different kinds of food.  It’s amazing the amount of time I used to spend thinking about food; about what I was going to have for my snack, what time I was going to have it, how it was going to affect what I had for lunch, how I was going to exercise it all off, what I would be having for dinner depending on what I had eaten earlier in the day, or if I’d have room for some snack after dinner. 

Good god, how did I think about this all day long!?  I can’t fathom it now.  Now a days I look at the fridge two seconds before a meal starts and think, “Huh, what can I create with that?”  If I look at the rest of the day and what I’ve eaten it’s definitely not in my old mindset but more along the lines of, “Have I gotten enough veggies, fruits and protein in today?”

It’s still a mystery to me how I got where I am today.  Better than I was then.  But there are still things from then that I’m working on.  We’ll see how it goes.]]

Quick food recap!  I gotta get to bed!  It’s mainly the meals as out in the field was crazy today!

Breakfast: Blue Diamond Almond Butter with Kashi Cinnamon Heart to Heart, Fage Greek Yogurt, a peach and strawberries.

 

Same Lunch as Yesterday:

Product Review!

I tried one of YouBar’s other sample bars for an afternoon snack today: The Breakfast Bar

 

It seemed extremely similar to the one I had yesterday but the addition of CINNAMON gave it a very tangy taste.  I really liked it though! 8 out of 10!  I also tried to just suck on the bar instead of chewing it to see if that made a difference, and of course it made it last longer, but otherwise still the same.

Happy times out in the field!  We are the TECHS!

Dinner was done after a 5 mile run and a 10 min ST session before hitting the shower while potatoes roasted, which was followed by the fastest production of eggs and veggies I’ve ever made in my life.

Potatoes were dipped in organic ketchup and eggs were topped with salsa.

Strawberries were dessert.

And now I’m exhausted; more field work tomorrow! ACK!