[[ Side Note: To Be Weak…
I’m sure you know what it feels like to feel physically weak; to stumble around, having everything spin in the distance and feel the need to pass out. There is also the aspect of feeling weak mentally, where it seems like the things you’d wish to accomplish will never be, maybe you’ve tried so hard for so long, or your brain just hurts from it all…
But here I’m talking about physical weakness. It’s a terrifying thing to me because it takes me back to the days when I ate so little I’m surprised I was even able to get out of bed in the morning. And when I feel it anytime now a days…it makes me terrified, almost paranoid, in a sense.
How so? It makes me feel like I’ve failed again. Failed? Yes, failed; as in failing my body by not providing it with the food/nutrients that it needs to sustain itself. I’ve only got one of it and I have to treasure it for all it’s worth.
As of lately I have felt just as weak a I did back then; in the beginning when I was feeding myself just enough to sustain my body…if I were lay in bed all day and not move. Yet even though I am past those days, I am feeling the same way, and it is scaring the living crap out of me.
I am feeding myself enough, right? I am eating and not fooling myself right? I’m not exercising too much and compensating correctly for it? What am I doing wrong? How am I going to correct this?
I know that I have been doing a lot more work as of lately with my job, and this could be a factor. But that was over a week ago. I know it was a serious four days of physical labor, but I should have overcome that by now. How could my body be revolting so long after the fact?
I’ve pondered over the fact and duh, of course I’ve been eating…but have I been eating the right things? I’ve never had a problem being a vegetarian through all the other kinds of physical training I’ve done from running 10ks, 15ks and Half Marathons to new strength training routines, Core Fusion and Yoga…so what is it?
ParI’m trying to listen to my body and it’s responses to my activities…but it scares me.t of my ED has been attributed to perfection and the aspect of not failing. I was afraid to get anything lower than an A in college, I had to strive to be at the top and be liked…and to fail was a horrible thing. This brings it all back, the retched feelings of despair and failure, that I’m letting so many people down and won’t be able to get back up…
But luckily I’ve been able to adapt my way of thinking and realize that no, I have not failed…but need to do some adjusting. I’m getting signals that something is wrong…not necessarily something I have done, but that something might be off…it should be looked and remedied.
As much as I write about my past experiences with my ED and how it made me feel in the past, this is the one that most terrifies me in the present. It’s hard to remedy that ache in my body, how I wasn’t able to control something and might lose all my abilities in an instant…there is something to this day that just erks me about it. Thank goodness I’ve realized the hideousness of it and am working hard to make sure I don’t have to feel it anymore… ]]
~~
I did a ST session with some of my Self Workout Cards yesterday before heading out to dinner and boy did I wake up tight and soar! I decided that a nice 3.5 mile jog would do me some good and loosen up those tight hamstrings and calves!
It was nice and relaxing, and the humidity wasn’t too bad with the passing thunderstorms we’ve been having!
By the time I got cleaned up a bit (still have field work to do) and changed I was famished for breakfast! I can’t get enough of my TJ’s Pumpkin Muffins…so I an artistic feat of it!
Can we tell I used a horrible knife to try and cut my muffin? Or that I simply don’t know how to cut anything? Haha…
I layered this baby up with bananas and some TJ’s PB along with the rest of the banana on the side…what a great combo of flavors.
I already want to eat it again!
Ok, off to do some work! Need to be productive!!!
14 comments:
wow! what a great looking banana muffin thing---looks like heaven.
Im sorry to hear you are struggling and feeling weak. It's good that you recognize it and can talk it out and make the necessary changes you need to.
*hugs*
Thank you for sharing this! I'm glad that you recognize that have not FAILED, you just need to tweak things a bit. I think that it couldn't hurt if you ate more, as much as you exercise and as intense as your job is BUT you should listen to your body and do what's right for you. I know how scary that feeling is.
The pumpkin muffin stack, too cute!! I suck at cutting things too... my sweet potato fries are always never uniform :)
Love you!
I have these days too, where I feel as though ED still has the power to take a toll on my body, even when I think I'm eating enough. I definitely think you eat "enough," just like I know I eat "enough," but I think sometimes our bodies just need a little extra, which is intimidating. I hope you start feeling better soon, love- hang in there!!
Thanks for stopping by my blog!! I can't wait to read more of yours, I love your story and think you're such an inspiration to so many people! I know you can stay strong and get through this rough patch.. I always just tell myself that these rough patches are meant to make us stronger. You can do it!
P.S. that muffin tower looks amazing! And trust me, I'm terrible at cutting things... I can't even cut an apple down the middle :)
Hang in there!
<3Megan
http://healthyontherun.wordpress.com
i love your muffin tower!
You are so in tune with yourself. It is such a great lesson for all of us. I've been feeling "weak" too lately, which is odd because I'm eating much more and more protein in general I actually just called my doctor today. Maybe you could check in with yours?
wow you are amazing!! girl- we all have those week times where we have to re-group and re-evaluate. you are so much stronger because of it. theres a light at the end of every tunnel-God will get ou out of this rut! you are awesome and so honest..i love it
I've been really struggling lately. With crazy amounts of stress going on I'm back to obsessing about food... I hate it and have broken down more then once, but I'm doing OK still eating :) I know the shakiness I've also felt that more then I care to admit... It's time to tweak things and get back to happy right ? :D
Just a thought, how is your blood sugar? Have you ever been checked for hypoglycemia? I'm in recovery from an ED and I have reactive hypoglycemia. basically, my body doesn't react well to things that have sugar in them, which includes natural sugar like fruit. I have to be really careful and make sure I pair fruit with lots of protein or I get a horrible crash and feel weak and sick like I did when I was restricting. It sucks because I have to pay a lot of attention, too many carbs sends my sugar plummeting. I'm wondering if maybe you're feeling something similar? I could be totally off base but just thought I'd share. And you most definitely have NOT failed. Recovery is a long and difficult journey...especially if you've never had an outside help. Hang in there!
Hi!
That sucks that you arent feeling 100%!! maybe you are anemic?? Because of not eating meat or getting enough iron? I am...and I think those are the main reasons why. But ya, even if you are for the most part healthy, if you are really lacking some nutrients to the point of being anemic, it can really affect your energy!!
I hope you can get everything worked out and figure out what your body is lacking! And your muffin tower looked soo so so good! :)
Maddi
xxx
Hey my dear!
Great post. It's either something psychological, or something physical, and it's always worth getting tested for anemia or low B-vitamins just to rule out the more physical stuff.
But if it is more mind-body, then I can say that I do relate. For years and years and years post-recovery I would sometimes panic when I felt weak or tired. To this day, I get hyper-vigilant if I feel at all tired (even if it's obviously work-related), and I am probably more careful than I need to be about having nutrition at all times (whereas the "normal" thing to do would be to miss a meal or not sweat having a smaller one now and then, to have days of imbalance without worrying). I used to feel bad that this was a overly neurotic habit, but the truth is that I feel my best if I'm just very conscious of balance and of getting adequate fuel. Perhaps a woman who had never suffered wouldn't think about it, but I'm NOT woman who never suffered: I'm a woman with a history, who now lives a totally healthy life. It's different.
I'd say your crazy work routine has your body asking for more food. And that you should definitely indulge with bigger meals, if you can find a way to do that without overstretching your stretch levels too much.
oxo
That was STRESS levels. Sorry!
I love the muffin stack idea!
I am glad to hear that you don't feel like you've failed yourself and that all that's needed is some tweaking. I've heard our bodies change every fews years so maybe that's what yours is going through now...
love what you did what that pumpkin muffin, yum!
feeling weakness is your body trying to tell you somehthing - i'm glad you are listening to your body and acknowledging it, ED teaches a person to ignore those thoughts and doesnt let you realize that weakness is your body telling you something!
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