[[Side Note: Climbing Back Up
As much as I was hurting last night, after working through today and reflecting on the problems as of late, I know I can climb back up from the fall I have taken.
I have realized that I just need to take my time, look at things from a different perspective when I look at them badly, ask for help when warranted even when I think it’s not, and just breathe.
Breathing is always good.
My brain may have taken it’s mentality over the edge and I took it out on myself physically, but that is over. But as much as I’m done punishing myself physically, I need to work hard on not hurting myself mentally. My mentality is in a very strange area, and it’s not sure where to turn. I feel like I’m standing in one of my plots out in the middle of no where and I can’t figure out where North is. Or South. Or East. Or West.
I have played with the idea of seeing someone professional over the years after seeing a counselor when I was in college, but I have always been afraid. I remember believing back then that by going to a counselor that meant that this was real, my ED was real and that I was messed up. I know that that I have an ED and don’t deny it. But I’ve believed since then, over the years, that I would be able to heal myself with all the knowledge of ED’s that I have, but I don’t believe that’s the case. Yes, I know an insane amount of information about ED’s but as much as I know, it’s not helping me get any better.
Again, I have been contemplating seeing a professional but I’m scared. I’m terrified and feel like going to one is going to be a burden on myself financially. But I know that it will be worth it in the long run. I have talked to Brad and a few others in the past about this, how having an unbiased opinion will help me and have someone dissect my brain to really see the underlying reasons for why I am still affected by my ED will help me.
But I’m scared. I’m scared to death to let someone in like that. I remember when I first met my counselor all I could do was cry, and cry hard. It’s easy for me to talk to so many of you online, in person and on the phone…but something about a professional…
Have you seen a professional? Anywhere from a dietician, nutritionist, counselor or other? How did you go about doing it? How did you feel? What did you think? ]]
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Today was a great day! We found what we’ve been looking for and now I hope there will be more! Yay!
Quick photo recap of today’s eats:
Breakfast: Apple and Cinnamon Oats with TJ’s Flaxseeds and PB! That stuff is tasty! The flaxseeds add a lot of extra nuttiness to the pb!
Snack: Homemade trail mix that included thompson raisins, golden raisins, cranberries, cherries, chocolate chips, pb chips, pepitas, lightly salted cashews and lightly salted peanuts. I had a nice handful!
Look who I encountered! SHEEP!
Lunch: Sheepherder’s bread with Artichoke Hummus, 1/2 piece of cheddar cheese, tomato, cucumber and lettuce. And an orange. And more Homemade TM!
We walked almost 9 miles of hills today so I was pooped when I got home! I really wanted yogurt and berries but I’m out, and with being gone this weekend I didn’t want to buy my big container and let it spoil. So I had to leave that part out: Strawberries and Natural’s Honey O’s.
There was also a handful of dark chocolate edamame and raisins that went into my belly afterwards.
I was super excited for dinner because I was inspired from watching an episode of Everyday Italian the other day. Giada made a frittata with pasta in it and it sparked my creative vibes:
Why not make a quiche but use leftover pizza as the crust?
Oh heck yeah I did.
Well, I tried.
It didn’t come out as well as I had hoped, first of all because I used the wrong kind of pan. We don’t have a skillet yet and only a regular sized saucepan so I had to use that…and it became a bit hard to flip and take out of the pan.
Anyhow, it still tasted great! I laid down two pieces (they’re all small) of my leftover cheese-less pizza then topped it off with two whipped eggs with added broccoli and cauliflower. After I took that part out of the pan I laid down two more pieces of pizza and flipped the first part on top of it. Sadly I overcooked it a bit…see the burned part. It just meant it was extra crispy!
But the best past of today?! Look what I saw in the local town newsletter: The First Self Serve Yogurt Store!!!
Obviously you know where I’m going to be on the 27th. Along with the Farmer’s Market that starts that day too! Who could ask for a better day next week! AHHHHH!!!
Now to start my weekend…with sleep. Then more madness like last weekend…fingers crossed I live through all of it!
17 comments:
I, too, have thought about seeing a counselor (not just about food issues, but life's troubles in general!). It's a tough decision to make, because it's a huge trust thing, as well as just the fear that no one will understand.
I understand that fear, but I do think you should consider it. What if it really, really helps? Wouldn't that be worth it? :) Thinking of you, sweetie!
Oh, and I know this random, but you mentioned TJ's flax...have you tried their almond butter with toasted flax seeds? SO GOOD!
I've actually just started seeing an ED specialist, in nutrition and counseling, I took the plunge after being very indecisive about it all. Please let me know if there are any questions you have at all, I'd be more than happy to answer them. You can get me via my blog or email.
Debs xx
I've read your blog for a long time, but never commented before. I find a lot of inspiriation in your honesty about your struggle with your ed. This "sidenote" really caught my attention. I, too, have struggled with a nasty ed (for about 10 years now) and am finally in a great place with my recovery. I couldn't have done it without my therapist. When I first started to see her, I was very reluctant and actually spent a good two years lying to her about everything. However, from reading your thoughts, it sounds like you're ready to be honest. I just started therapy before I was ready. Eventually, I came around and my therapist is now my rock. I recently had a set back in my recovery (serious injury caused by osteoporosis developed during one of the more dangerous times of my ed). I made it to my weekly appointment to see her and came out feeling strong, confident and able to tackle this thing (PB was at home waiting for me!).
I know that everyone's experience is different, but I think if you find the right fit with a therapist, it truly can save your life. It's an outlet to get all of those disordered thoughts out and get on with your life. It's refreshing to have someone not involved in your life that can validate your fears and thoughts and give you positive things to do with those feelings. Plus, I'm a firm believer that everyone needs to talk about themselves for an hour a week :).
As far as a nutritionist goes, I've been there and done that as well. I found that I know enough about nutrition to provide myself with what I need. From your knowledge of food, etc, it seems like you do to. But it might be helpful to see someone and come up with a game plan to introduce foods you might not normally eat. Like I said, each persons experience is individual.
I've also been in a residential treatment place, which completely saved my life and followed up wit a local support group. Both were great, but it just depends on how much help you think you need.
As far as the financial side of it goes, don't even think about it. Your life is much more important than any amount of money. It's taken me a long time (and a lot of money) to come to that conclusion, but my quality of life is so much better than I could imagine it being.
I hope this helps. Keep fighting!
I need to start keeping up with your posts more cause I SERIOUSLY "feel" you on so many things. I went through a bad funk last month and probably binge ate 3-4x a week and YES my weight went up but I finally had to write in HUGE letters on a board "STOP PUNISHING YOURSELF WITH FOOD". That simple act of acknowledging something was wrong and wanting to GET OUT of it has helped me. There are times when I want to see therapy as well but I'm scared to...being in a new enviornment is differently NOT helping but WE the blogging community is here. -mymarblerye
I saw a therapist in HS and still see one occasionally now that I'm in college. I think they can be absolutely invaluable in recovery and sorting out your feelings; however, I've realized that they're not miracle workers. They can help set you on the correct path, but truly healing is up to each individual. I hope you make the best choice for you- if therapy seems like it will help you, then go for it! Hope you have a great weekend girl :)
Hey Melissa - I definitely know that feeling of being terrified to see someone. I remember the first time I went to therapy when I was feeling sad...there's so many feelings there - will this work? what if it doesn't? what if i find out things about myself I didn't want to know? Can I afford it? Is it worth it? With an eating disorder there's also so much resistance because the terror that comes with "getting better" - I think it's often synonymous with "gaining weight." All that said, I definitely think it would be a good thing to do for you. I saw a dietitian in college when I was struggling with some disordered eating and she was SUCH a help. And she helped me with things that I never would have been able to help myself with. Sometimes it's nice to kind of sit back and let someone else solve our problems for us once in a while :) As for the money - you really do just have to look at it as an investment in your long-term health. It was something that I really had to do (because I HATE spending money on things like that!).
Anyway - best of luck on whatever decision you make! I'm rooting for you!
delurking here....
i DEFINITELY would recommend seeing a therapist. i have struggled with an ED for about 3 years now, and about a year and a half ago things were really bad, weight wise. at that point i could see the sense in getting "treatment," which i promptly stopped once i reached a healthy weight. throughout the past six months however i have still been dealing with major anxiety issues surrounding food and weight and other parts of my life in general. about three months ago i started therapy again. the first two months i was fairly closed and didn't get much out of the appointments, but over the past month i have noticed a HUGE difference. i am actually starting to deal with the things that precipitated my ED and anxiety issues. i can also see that being at a healthy weight is just the minimum requirement of ED recovery. Despite still purging occasionally, having issues with obsessive exercise, and having soo many fear foods i thought i was fine because i was at a "normal" weight. Being in therapy has made me much wiser as to the extent to which i am still letting my ED deny me of life.
i think it's a good idea.
i am a fairly closed person and there are a lot of things i have difficulty talking about, especially to a "perfect stranger," but just remember, therapy is a gradual process and you don't have to tell your deepest secrets straight away. i think it is important to feel comfortable with the person, to have them learn a bit more about you and for them to find out what you want from your sessions first off, and then moving on to more personal topics will be both more effective and not so hard :)
seeing a dietician might also be a good idea; knowing what i was "supposed" to eat in a day, as told to me by a professional made it much harder to listen to my ED!
good luck, whatever you decide to do!
girl PLEASE go see a therapist- it was seriously the best thing i ever did- i know that God creates people like that to HELP US.. its not a sign of weakness, i think sometimes people are too prideful to go because they think they can do it on their own but for real this life is so hard sometimes, we CANT do it all on our own!! I wuld not be nearly as STABLE and healthy as i am now without therapy, case and point! praying for you girl
Oh honey, my heart just goes out to you as I read your post. It is scary to see someone because it means you are going public with it, and that someone else is holding you responsible for things. It may feel like you are handing over some of the control over your recovery, but in my experience, ED therapists are your guides to recovery. They can't force you to do anything, they make suggestions and then it is up to you to decide to make the change.
I have seen a therapist consistently for about a year, and at the beginning, I hated it. The first few months were not helpful. I didn't want to share my inner thoughts with this person who I thought just didn't get what I was really going through. As I have begun to open myself up, I have found therapy to be very helpful. It was my therapist, in fact, who encouraged me to start blogging! I realized that most of the time, she does understand, and that sometimes when I think she doesn't, she is just saying something that I don't want to or am not ready to hear. Also, many ED therapists have had an ED themselves, and the experience inspired them to help others. You may find they understand more than you would have thought. They are there for you when you need someone to talk to, they can give you reassurance when you feel scared, encourage you when you feel like giving up, allow you to see where you have been blinded by the ED.
Do what you need to do to recover. If you think therapy would be helpful, there is no harm in trying it. You can just try out therapy for a while and see how you like it, but keep in mind that it does take time to get to know someone and to build up that level of trust until you feel that you can really share. I also saw a nutritionist, but didn't find that as helpful. I have a large background of nutrition, and I know how to eat healthfully (fruits, veggies, etc). I found that most of what we talked about I already knew. Nutritionists can be helpful though in setting up a food plan if that is necessary and in providing support for reaching a healthy weight.
I understand your fear. I know it is hard to even be so open about your path to healing on your blog, let alone face to face with a person you don't know. I don't know what will work for you, but I hope in sharing my experience with therapy you become more informed and better able to make a decision that will help you. There are many roads to recovery, and therapy is just one of them.
I am thinking of you girlie! Big hugs!
xoxoxox
Mel, I had your last post pulled up all day yesterday with the intention of leaving a comment...and never did. I almost did the same thing with this one. Why? Because I'm really, really struggling right now, too. I want so badly to give you good advice or encouraging words, but right now, the words aren't flowing.
Anyway, sending love and prayers your way. We'll eventually beat this shiz FOR GOOD! :)
When I had a major breakdown and had to take a semester off due to my eating disorder, I started to see a psychologist. I hated opening myself and my fears up to her because I felt that she would think I was superficial or stupid. I always think others are judging me based on my disease. I didn't feel comfortable but I think it's a matter of finding someone you trust. I'm contemplating starting to see someone again though.
Thank you so much for your honesty!
I have seen a counselor off and on for the last 10 years of my life. Yes it was a HUGE burden for me financially but it was abolutely and completely worth every penny. As Brad said, it is great to have someone point out things to you that is completely neutral - things that will help you see life from a different perspective.
Have no fears about seeing one!
I'm no expert, but I think now might be the ideal time for you to consider talking to someone professional. You are so reflective and motivated for change and those are two qualities that I think are so important to have in a counseling scenario. I feel like you are right there in kicking this ED in the butt and that maybe you just need someone to guide you over the little humps?
Love you Mel!
Hey Melissa- I've been reading your blog for awhile but have never commented. Just want to say that going to therapy can be life changing. I work in the mental health field with the goal of working with people like you - intelligent, insightful, determined people who need some extra support to get through a tough time and break the habits/mentality they are in/have.
I can definitely understand your fears...but our job is to listen to you, support you, encourage you, and NOT judge you. In the 5 years I've been in this field, I've heard some pretty crazy things. And I can honestly say that I have not judged these people...but tried to understand them. Everyone's different. The world would be so boring if everyone was the same!
I really think you'd be making a good decision by going to therapy. It'll be hard, no doubt. And ya know what? If it takes you 2 months to be able to really open up to your therapist, then it takes you 2 months. You go at your own speed. We don't push our own agenda on you. We follow your lead. (and if not, if you feel like you're being pushed too quick, GET A NEW THERAPIST!!). There's no shame in any of it. We are here to help you heal yourself.
Good luck, I'll be reading! :)
Email from me comin atcha tonight :-)
I saw a counselor when Noah was 8 weeks old. I was feeling so out of my element with everything....having the 2 kids, finding out when Noah was only a week old that my place of employment had closed and I had no job to go back to, money...it was a tough time. Within 5 minutes of talking to the guy I was crying so hard i could barely breathe....and then I started to feel better. I saw him for about 2 months and it was a life saver for me. I believe that if you are at the point where you are considering it to go. I don't think it's something you will regret. (((HUGS)))
Hi there!
I've never commented before but I thought maybe I could be somewhat helpful on this topic. I toiled away for years trying to beat my ED without seeking professional help, just using the knowledge I had gleaned from various sources. I could have written the book on eating disorders, and how to recover, but I wasn't able to take the steps necessary to fully commit to getting over it, once and for all. I was very reluctant, but when I finally got the help I finally admitted was necessary, my recovery journey has turned from a downward spiral to an uphill battle, but one that I am winning. I've recently completed a partial hospitalization program and with the help of dieticians, psychotherapists and psychologists I am proud to say I am very much in recovery and have been symptom free for over 6 months. Giving in to asking for help is never easy- in fact it was the hardest decision I've ever made- but it was so worth it. Hope this helps somehow! Best wishes:)
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