Not For The Light At Heart

[[Side Note: Struggling, To The Max

If you are struggling with an Eating Disorder or are sensitive to the subject, please be forewarned that this post may cause a trigger for your recovery.  Ergo, read at your own risk.

It has been a hard few weeks.  My head is a serious mess and I think I need to vent it all. I’ve talked to a few beautiful and encouraging women about it, but I don’t know…

I can’t take my own mentality anymore.

I feel like I want to rip at my thighs, hips and belly.  I want to scream at myself for thinking this way.  I want to take my brain out of my head to get rid of the scrambled parts that have developed over the past four years from my eating disorder.  I want so many things…yet can’t seem to obtain them when I believe they are attainable.

As much as I’m loving field work, it’s been very hard; mentally and physically.  My body and mind have never felt more worn out than they have in the past two weeks of work.  I walk anywhere from 6-12 miles per day in the heat, cold, wind and sun.  It wears me down, especially when I don’t find what I’m looking for.

But the biggest downer of how I’ve been thinking about work: how many calories I’ve been burning.  F’ing ridiculous!  I can’t believe I sit there and calculate how many meters I’ve worked, then convert it into miles which I can then convert into approximately how many calories I might have burned.

And on top of that?  I don’t want to eat.  But I do, and I hate it.  I can’t eat things I like because in my head I don’t want to eat, to not negate all the walking I’m doing to burn calories that will lead to losing weight.

Where is the idea of losing weight coming from?

Well, I F’d up.  I finally stepped on that stupid scale last weekend when I was at home at my parents.  As much as I fought it, I couldn’t handle the inner pressure of not knowing how much I weighed, if I had gained or lost since leaving Florida, and based on that…the madness that would ensue in my head about why people would actually talk to me, based solely on how I look or how much I think they might think I weigh (though in my heart and soul know they don’t give a shit).

And on top of actually weighing myself?  I’ve been doing body checks.  Damnit, I was doing so well with that too!  Since I had made the pledge to step away from the mirror I had only checked my body 6 times since then.  SIX!  How did I go from 6 in a few months to god knows how many in the past two weeks? 

Someone just shoot me out of my misery.  I feel like I can’t take it anymore…

And with all that said, I feel like 1,000lbs (hah, no pun intended) has been lifted off my shoulders.

I know in my heart that all this is bogus and stupid.  I know in my heart that my head is messed up and I know better, because I don’t do all those things and walk away from them.  Even when I don’t want to eat, or want to restrict hardcore, I eat because I’m hungry.  Because if I’m hungry, I get weak and cranky, and I can’t do my job if I feel like that.  And how can I be happy if I can’t do the job that I love so much?

With new surroundings, routines, home, people and work I have tipped a bit over the edge that I have been able to stand on.  But now that things will hopefully start to simmer down after the wedding (I won’t even go into how much that is stressing me out; whole other story) I’ll be able to reevaluate how to handle these problems; that I’ll be able to look at my body in the light that so many others do instead of all the flaws that I make up in my head; that again I’ll be able to enjoy what it does for me, how far it carries me and the activities it lets me participate in…

Thanks for reading. ]]

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Um, who was excited for today?!  Why?

Because I bought my Healthy Living Summit Ticket!!! AHHH!!!

Who else got their ticket?!?! 

Another long day in the field today!  I tried something a bit different in hopes of being kept full a bit longer.  This one worked pretty well!  I held me through 5 hours and 5 miles of walking freak’n huge hills and mountain sides!

Cereal Mess:

• 1C Kashi Puffs
• 3/4C Kashi H2H
• 1/4C Kashi Go Lean Crunch
• Large spoonful of Natural PB
• Large Banana

Many long hours and water bottles later I was starving for lunch!  I was totally dragging and dove into my lunch faster than you can say eat!  I ate the orange and Laughing Cow and Hummus Veggies Sandwich, but not the carrots (which I saved for later with some PB!) and another apple!

The drive home consisted of carrots and PB but I was still hungry by the time we got to the apartment!  I had some greek yogurt left and mixed it with a few diced strawberries, cinnamon and some Kashi H2H…best snack ever!

Along with the few handfuls of Slightly Salted TJ’s Cashew Pieces…protein baby!

I was treated out to dinner by my boss tonight and enjoyed a simple and light appetizer of Spring Rolls with tofu.  I lovvvvvvved the peanut sauce they had on the side to dip in!  You can totally bet I wiped that baby clean!  It was delicious!  I need to make spring rolls again and try for another spicy nut sauce on the side!  Last time I used Sunbutter but this time I want to try either peanut or cashew butter (you’ll see it on the blog soon!)

I’ve got one more long day of work tomorrow before my crazy wedding weekend for my bestie.  I can’t wait to show you all the pictures and all the bridesmaids (one being me!) in their dresses!  I can’t wait to see what you think of the dresses!!!