700+ miles to go! I’m so close! And it’s going to be a crazy turn around time since I’m going to have to be at my new job location Saturday afternoon! Madness! But I am so excited and stoked!
Thank you for all the sweet and reassuring comments on last night’s post. Today was definitely a better day and I can’t wait to finally be out of the car and in a place so I can actually move around.
It was definitely a better day today as I kept myself occupied with books, buried things around the car that I knew I might eat out of boredom, and sang my heart out when I thought I might eat something when I wasn’t really hungry. I’m praying tomorrow will be just as successful…so here’s the montage of food from today:
Yogurt in a jar?
OH YEAH…
Plain Chobani, strawberries, blackberries and the last of my pb…which was actually quite a bit!
PB and Banana Sammie…
Lots of chopped up carrots to share with mom…
Some of those crackers from yesterday to help aid my queasy tummy that developed throughout most of the day…
Beautiful flowers along the long and boring highway…
Protein pretzels and apple…along with blackberries!
Awesome veggie salad with half of an AWESOME tasting avocado! I seriously can’t wait to get back to CA and get me some avocados…I’m going to have them ALL THE FREAK’N TIME!
And a mandarin orange…and like, 3/4 of a Bosc pear. First time I had ever had that kind of pear (I had only ever had a Bartlett beforehand!) and I loved it! It was nice and crunchy like I like my fruit and reminded me of an Asian pear! I can’t wait to add more of them to my diet!
[[Side Note: My Great Debate
Over the past few days I have obviously had a lot of time to think and one thing has been sitting on my shoulders: The Scale.
Now, I have a love hate relationship with this dreaded piece of equipment. It has made my life miserable in more ways than one, and has helped in other ways over the years.
Anyhow, I have been thinking about when I get home…and whether or not I’m going to weigh myself. I have not been on a scale since I left home just after the first of the year and have watched and felt my body change in the months that have passed since then.
So what would weighing myself when I get home do for me? It could do good things and it could do bad things? Let me list for you my pros and cons:
Pro:
- If the weight is the same, it will reassure me all the things I’ve worried about over the past months…have really been nothing to worry about. I will see those events, learn a lesson from them and become more confident.
- If my weight has only slightly changed, I again will be able to see that I am living a healthy lifestyle. That even if my weight has gone up, people still see me for WHO I AM and not how I look/much I weigh.
Con:
- If the weight has gone up more than I’m comfortable with, I could spiral into an abundance of guilt and feel the need to start restricting.
- If the weight has gone down I know it will trigger a reaction from my ED still in me that all the things I might have done, people I might have met, relationships I might have made, things I accomplished…will be because I was skinnier. (oh the horrors of how my ED wraps my brain in bad bad ways)
And then there is the aspect of not weighing myself at all. It would leave me comfortable not knowing how much I weigh and if it has gone up or down…or it could lead to me racking my brain about whether or not I could stand not knowing how much I weigh and if I had lost or gained…
It’s an absolute conundrum. Suggestions? What do you do about the scale?
As of right now I’m leaning towards not going anywhere near that damned thing when I get home…but there is small part of me nagging in my brain to know… ]]
15 comments:
As someone who's also had anorexia and bulimia, I know just what you mean. I would say that of course it is better to NOT weigh yourself. It won't really achieve much, and the cons are worse than the pros.
However, I think that eventually you may succumb to the urge to KNOW, and here's what I think:
1) Wait. Don't weigh yourself until after you've been home for a while (e.g. a week or two). It may feel like an eternity, but I think it will be important to get into the rhythm of this new phase of your life before you potentially upset your mind. The nagging in the back of your mind will be nothing compared to the potential nagging if the weight is a number too high or too low.
2)During this time, mentally prepare yourself. Pay even more attention to how you feel, how exercise makes you feel and how food makes you feel. Really appreciating what you've been doing for your body and what your body is doing for you. I find this can sometimes help me, especially if the number goes up but I still feel great. It's some extra 'padding' if you will, for my brain...to remind myself of all the things I should be appreciating about my body, rather than dwelling on.
3) when you do weigh yourself, try to be objective about it. I know this is really hard, but this is something they talk about in Intuitive Eating. Envision yourself looking at the scale and just saying, 'hm, that's interesting.' They call this the food anthropologist, I believe, and it's basically where you try to bring out that voice in your head that is an objective observer. This is normally done in relation to food choices (http://www.ryerson.ca/~jgingras/pdf/Food%20Anthropologist.pdf), but I think it can work in this situation. The anthropologist is the voice that takes note of your thoughts and actions without judgement. That is what you will need...because no matter the 'answer', the important thing is that you do it without judgement.
I love that bag o' carrots.
Screw the scale. We don't own one. Tell your mom to hide it. I haven't gone near on in years. I step on it backwards at the doctor. He and I have an understanding that he'll tell me if there's a problem.
It does NOT define you...don't let it.
I just stumbled upon your post and couldn’t not respond. I have been battling the scale for a long time. I had weighed myself every day and the number on there—despite knowing that my scale was crappy and inaccurate and that it is normal to fluctuate by a couple of pounds—would completely dictate my mood. If it was too high, I would tell myself I was fat and ugly and feel horrible about myself all day. If it was lower, I would end up making poor food choices because I thought I could justify them. Eventually it became too much. For Lent, I was praying about what I should give up to bring me closer to God (I´m a Christian) and I was hit with the feeling that I should give up the scale. That seems silly, but my obsession with a number was not only damaging my relationship with God but also with my friends and most importantly with myself, because it spurred so much negativity in me. So I went those seven weeks without weighing myself, eating as intuitively as possible, secretly hoping I was losing weight but trying not to think about it. And at the end, I weighed exactly the same, after seven weeks of healthy, balanced diets and workouts. I may not have lost any weight but I felt SO healthy and for the first time I was able to focus more on THAT than the number. I still weigh myself a couple of times a week but before I get on I ask myself, “How will I feel if I do this today?” And if I know it is going to affect how I feel about myself, I step away. Finding that balance is so hard and I still struggle it but I hope that you can figure out what is right for you and remember that it really IS about how you feel! And giving it up feels AWESOME!
I've been scale free for 3 months, at the encouragement of my husband (and after a lot of prayer and tears). The first weeks were the hardest - even though I only weighed myself once every morning, it felt like giving up an addiction - I thought about it ALL the time, I begged my husband for it (we put it in the trunk of his car), I cried over it. It's better now - I see scales at people's houses and I'm tempted, but I make myself stay back. I don't know if I've gained or lost weight... and while a part of me is still curious, I know that in general I don't NEED to know - there is NO benefit in that number. I know if I'm healthy by what I'm eating and how I'm moving - the whole picture of it, not just a one-day snapshot. Go for it if you can! It's been hard, but mentally liberating and healthy!
Ugh, I feel you on the scale problem. I had a debate going in my head last night about weighing myself, and I just went ahead and did it this morning. And you know what? I'm up 2 pounds from when I last weighed myself, which could very well be water weight, but it could also be actual weight. And I'm okay with that. I still look in the mirror and am satisfied with my body. I'm not going to pretend that ED didn't give me a little bit of anxiety at first, but I marched right downstairs and made myself my normally-sized breakfast and enjoyed it. The way I see it is that the scale will always be there, and even though the number doesn't matter, my weight is a part of me, so I need to learn to love it just as much as everything else You know in your heart what will be the best for you, and whether you want to put yourself through it :) Good luck with whatever you choose love!
Just don't weigh yourself.
Don't do it.
The cons are so much worse than the pros, and what is knowing the number going to do for you positively? Really.. not much. Just wait another few months and reevaluate then.
In general, regardless of your past struggles, remember that the body naturally changes every few years. That is a good thing. it means your body is maturing and changing with time.
Screw the scale- just stay off.
xoxo
I'm glad things are going a bit better girl.
As for the scale, yeah I'd say don't weigh yourself. But that's just me. Because I know that it NEVER ends good. If I weigh more than I think I did, then I feel IMENSE guilt and start restricting, even sub-consciously. If i weigh less, it makes me happy and then I start to restrict and bring it down even further. So, ignorance is bliss. Especially right now. I know that this whole sitting on my butt and not exercising for months has made me gain weight, I'm not stupid. I don't think i've gained a massive amount but it's still there. And most of the time, I'm OK with how I look but I do NOT want to know much I weigh. I mean I kinda do.. but I know it's better for me to not know. If that makes any sense.
Good luck!
Personally, I weigh myself every Wednesday before I shower. I made a pack with myself way back that I would take the number for just that. If it was more than I would want to see, time to buck up a bit. I refuse to let it rule my life anymore (I use to get on it 3 times day...in the morn, after work, before bed...no joke)and this has worked *for me*. I'd suggest maybe wait until you are home and see how you feel at that time.
Just like someone else said, I can't NOT post a comment after reading this! I think you should not only quit weighing yourself, but actually SMASH your scale! It's an incredibly empowering exercise, let me tell you. After being tied to mine for a long time, I finally did just that...and now my scale sits on my bookshelf in a jar, smashed to bits.
Actually, I think you've inspired me to go write a post about it right now! So go to my blog and check it out if you get the chance... bingeeatingsecret.blogspot.com
What a journey you are on!!
As for the scale..I hear you! It totally controlled my life for awhile. So, my suggestion is to not get on it! It's not worth it! Your are gorgeous and the number doesn't define you like Mama Pea said:)
add me to the "i can't NOT post" group! :)
this is a really tough one, because you really can't win either way...if you know the weight number, you may or may not be happy; if you don't know, you continue to obsess over what it *could* be...
i currently weigh myself every morning, but i did go for about 6 months without checking at all. i've tried once per week...so i don't have an answer for you, just wanted to say you're not alone!
some very helpful comments posted already, too - thanks for sharing, everyone.
the scale is evil and I hate it....Enough said...:)
Maddi
xxx
Alright, this post and its comments are really making me reconsider even keeping a scale in my house. I weigh myself probably around twice a week right now, and I'm pretty sure it does more harm than good. I'd imagine it would feel a lot better to just not know...ever.
Sorry, Mel. I obviously don't have good advice! LOL. Just wanted to commiserate.
I used to step on the scale daily as part of my eating disorder, but since getting out of treament in November, I only get weighed when I go to the doctors. I appreciate not knowing my weight!!
Yogurt in a jar is pretty genius if you ask me!
I go through a similar thought process every week with the scale. I always end up going on a few times a week, and FOR ME that is a good balance of accountability and not being overly obsessed. For you it sounds like you should step on far less often. I hope you find your balance with it, Melissa <3
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