Fears

[[Side Note: Non-Food Fears

Over the years I have developed a fear for many different foods, including peanut butter, oils, and pasta.  There has also been a fear of calories and/or counting calories meticulously, bad habits from mirrors and scales, and an assortment of other things, including jeans, and in general: clothes.

There are many items of clothing I refuse to buy, wear, and even try on, including BELTS, TIGHT TOPS, and anything with HORIZONTAL STRIPES.  It’s ridiculous really, but I feel like this bring out the flaws I believe I have (though really, the dysmorphia I have about my body is what brings about these thoughts, since many tell me otherwise).

BELTS: I own one.  And I didn’t buy it, it came with a pair of pants I bought.  I refuse to wear it because well, I don’t need it as none of my pants are falling off, but most of all because I think it makes my waist/hips look huge.  All I see when I wear belts is bad, nothing fashionable about it.  I have tried many times to wear one for the fun of it, but the buckle part is what gets me the most, along with the tightness it creates around my middle region…

TIGHT TOPS: This one is a biggy.  I buy shirts a size larger than how they fit me at the store because I know fair well they will shrink and I will not wear them if they are tight around my body.  I have bought or had a few shirts purchased for me that did shrink and were too tight, even just the slightest, and I have never worn them again.  I know full well that I have not changed sizes, in this aspect gotten any bigger, but again, like the belt, I believe they bring out my flaws.  It enables the people around me to see the parts of me I have been hiding to put on the persona that I have.

HORIZONTAL STRIPES: This is ridiculous really.  All because of some stupid magazine article I read far too long ago to remember, and have seen many times since then, but that horizontal stripes will make you look like you have a wider body.  It drives me crazy to no end.  I look at other girls in this kind of pattern and they look amazingly gorgeous, yet I can never see myself that way.

I’ve been reflecting on these items the past few days, trying to decide why they are so harmful, other than me thinking they will make someone think less of me.

So, I wore a belt.  Well really, I needed to because the field pants I wore expand/stretch as I work throughout the day and evidently by the end are falling off.  But I wore the damned thing, and to tell you the truth, within minutes I wanted to rip it off my body.  I hated the way it looked and accentuated my hips/waist.  I didn’t like the tight feeling it gave me around my body.  I didn’t like how the buckle made my shirt look as it sat over it.  It was a wave of emotions that almost brought me to tears. 

But I kept it on, and I’ve worn it for three days straight.  I’m becoming more comfortable with it.  Don’t expect to see me wearing one with the next pair of jeans I put on though, the comfort is coming only with necessity.  Hopefully one day I’ll be able to wear one with my favorite pair of jeans, with a an awesome design and color, and with the confidence I see so many others shine bright.  We shall see.

As for the other two…those are much harder for me. Maybe not the Horizontal Stripes (as I have worn them before, even on TV for an Operation Beautiful Feature!) because I do have a few, but wear them on rare occasions.  The tight shirts though?  Anything form fitting in my mind is out of question.  But we’ll see how that goes…as I push my own buttons to fight my own fears and live freely like I wish for every single day.

What fear are you fighting to overcome?  We can fight these together! ]]

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See what being out in the field without music does to you!?  I have been forgetting my ipod the past few days so my mind has been running amock…not that it doesn’t when I do have my tunes, but even more, and usually in a different direction without it.  Joy!

Anyhow, man today was a toughy.  We did an insane number of steep and long hills today and every muscle in my legs ache!  You know there is stretching going on as we speak!

I again started the day with a great cereal mess, but since I’m out of my Kashi mix (gasp!) I had some TJ’s O’s and Cinnamon Puffins.  Oh man, I forgot how much I love Puffins. They are so damned good!

I mixed up the usual berries and pb with the cereal and headed out the door!

 

Mid morning I had a mini clif bar, and thank goodness for it because I didn’t get to eat lunch until almost 12.30, having had breakfast at 6am and the snack around 9.30!  Yikes!

I took a picture of my lunch at home because I don’t take my camera out in the field anymore, but I wanted to share it with you!  I knew that I was going to want something savory and cold since the temps were in the 90’s today, so I mixed up a nice cold Couscous Chickpea and Veggie Salad to enjoy.  Oh man did it hit the spot…and held me over until I got home 4 hrs and 3.5 more miles later (we did 6.5 in the morning!)

The salad included:

• 1/2c leftover couscous
• 1/2c chickpeas
• 1/2 roasted bell pepper
• cherry tomatoes
• 1/3 diced cucumber
• handful of chopped spring salad mix

Delish…

And what else would I enjoy the most (other than real ice cream) upon returning home on a day like this?! My own homemade banana, berry chocolate pb ice cream of course!

Holy moly this was divine.  And topped with the cereal (in which another two handfuls were consumed afterwards…I wanted crunch!), I was in heaven.

Since it’s National Eat Your Veggies Day, I had to oblige and eat even more veggies in my dinner!  I’ve been wanting sushi so badly but don’t have any nori, so I went with my second craving: Tacos!  Well, I guess they’re more like lettuce tacos since I didn’t have any taco shells…but you get the picture!

I used diced up eggplant pieces mixed with onion and TJ’s Taco Seasoning to make the innards (tehehehe) and served it up in a few red leaf romaine leaves needing to be eaten!  What better dinner could I ask for!!  Nom nom nom!  But it was so spicy! I def need to not as so many spices next time!  I had to eat an apple with every bite! Ah!

And for dessert…a handful of pb pretzel nuggets I picked up this weekend…and a small block of chocolate and some cashews. ;)  Need the protein!

It’s Friday tomorrow! YAY!!!