[[Side Note: Therapy
The fear is overwhelming. It’s like meeting a new person you’ve been waiting to see forever, and not knowing how you’re going to make a good impression. What you’re going to wear. What you’re going to say.
Many of you read, commented and emailed me about your experiences with seeing a professional for counseling on eating issues of all sorts and I’ve taken your advice. I’ve finally found someone to see and it’s happening tomorrow, at 6.30pm PST.
And I’m terrified. I’m always worried about first impressions and this one stands above so many that I’ve had to encounter. I’m on the edge of my seat as we speak, less than 24 hours before having to say something like, “I have an eating disorder; I’ve had it for over 7 years. I need help, and I need it now.”
As empowering as that statement seems, it’s sitting at the tip of my lips. I can’t actually say it. I’m not in denial, I’m just terrified. This means it’s really happening…and is it going to pay off? Am I about to splay my entire life to this person and get better in time in return?
I’m terrified. I need all the encouragement I can get. I need nerves of steel for tomorrow. I need to be reassured this is the right choice (though I know in my heart it is), that in time I’m going to figure things out and get better (which I hope to everything under the sun will happen) and that finally the sun is going to be shining brightly on the other side like it was so long ago…
I need you all now more than ever. I need your kind hearts, words of wisdom and strength to finally get me to walk through that door tomorrow (I’ve tried in the past, only to sit in the parking lot, cry, and drive away), to say the things I need to say and start healing. ]]
~~
It was a hot one today. Don’t even ask me how much water I consumed because I’m pretty sure the Colorado River is down because of it. No joke peeps, temps over 95 degrees will do that to you. :)
I started off the morning with a cool meal…but somehow the yogurt disagreed with me later…I’ve never had a problem with GY before! What gives!?
I swear there is GY down there…and a small peach, blackberries, strawberries…underneath all that cereal and PB.
Lunch was nothing exciting as it was just a PB and apple sandwich, and a Z bar that I had a few hours before out in the field. I have totally lost my appetite out in that heat. Totally sucks!
You can bet I came home ravenous and wanting something cool again! Raspberry/Strawberry/Banana smoothie anyone? A little bit of USVAB to get out the kinks and Voila! Along with some protein of 1/3C trail mix.
I did about a 1/2 hour of ST before I couldn’t take the hunger anymore and whipped up a nice grilled veggie and chickpea salad! Oh how I’ve missed chickpeas! How do I not eat them more often?!
And now snacking on blueberries and cherries…before showering and bed.
I hope you all have a great Tuesday!
24 comments:
Even making that appointment is an accomplishment! It's about taking one step after the other. Sometimes you take a step forward; sometimes, backward. We're only human. Still, this is huge- lots of congratulations on making that first move. Remember, you're there only to face yourself, nobody else. You're there for yourself, so there's no need to 'perform.' There's no one to impress. Stay strong!
I agree with anonymous. Best of luck tomorrow!
Yes. I agree, you definitely did one of the hardest parts already! It's always so annoying for me to have to change therapists bc I feel like I'm having to tell my whole ED story over and over again.
But just imagine that you're talking for yourself and not for anyone else. It'll be therapeutic to you just to say what you need to.
Best of luck dear! <33
Floey
Write it down on an index card and put it in your purse - the statement you need to say. If you get through the first 15 minutes and haven't said it, pull the card out of your purse and hand it to the therapist. She/he will understand and not think anything of the method!
It will help - I promise. Steel your nerves, girl! This is the start of something great, and we are all behind you.
I am so proud of you, Melissa. You can absolutely do this. You deserve to do this. You have a beautiful life ahead of you...don't postpone the opportunity to live it free. You are stronger than you think!
Well done on making the appointment - you should be so proud of yourself for doing that. You can do this. Like Anonymous said, you're there for yourself. We're all wishing you well.
Lynne
Great job making the appointment! You are so strong, and yes the walking in is really hard (I still sit in the car for a few minutes before I walk in and I have seen this therapist for 2 years and like/trust him). But I know you can do it! You have all of us backing you! And just think of talking to him as a verbal blog session...
First, I love you. That must be said.
Second, when you said "I'm not in denial, I'm just terrified"...OMG Mel, I have felt that exact same way so many times, but I've never been able to articulate it so beautifully. That also had to be said. :)
Third, some practical advice from some things that were helpful for me:
- go in with a completely OPEN mind, and TRUST that this person knows what their talking about, and truly wants to help you. BELIEVE you are doing the right thing, and BELIEVE that you *will* reach your desired outcome
that being said...
- don't be afraid to seek a different therapist if you don't feel you click with this one. I really believe it's SO important to find the right therapist for you in order to make progress.
(I saw four different people before finding one I knew was right.)
Also
- STICK WITH IT. I stopped going to appointments as soon as I started to make progress so many times...don't make the same mistake! It's important to continuously have that support.
Again, LOVE YOU! Get excited! Life is about to get better! :) :) :)
Good luck today! I hope you're at least giving yourself credit for this tremendous step, which is bound to be scary. But I know it will be a valuable, strengthening experience no matter what. Will say a prayer for you!
Girl! We are here for you! If you ever need anyone to lean on, talk to etc, we're always reading and supporting you 100%
I know you are nervous, but I think it just shows how strong you are to go get help, especially before things potentially get worse..
My love & prayers are with you!
I wish I had something super-encouraging and empathetic to help you through this hard time. Unfortunately, I've never experienced an eating disorder. Nevertheless, I think you're being very strong and making the right decision. I wish you the very best of luck, and please let me know if I can do anything further to help YOU help YOURSELF. :)
All the best!
I was going to email you the other day to see how it went...but now I know you have it tomorrow. Good luck. You are being strong for MANY of us by taking this step towards a healthy future. My prayers and thoughts are with you!
Just remember that you will feel SO much better after the appointment and will be proud for going. Scary things are hard to overcome, but are usually the most rewarding in the end.
I am so proud of you even coming to the realization that you needed more support, and decided to even just try therapy, let alone the fact that tomorrow you are actually going to follow through. Think of how far you have come, how much you have overcome in your journey thus far. It hasn't been easy, but you have gotten through. You can do that again.
I understand you wanting to make a good first impression. I always want to do that too, and I tried, when I first met my therapist, to create this persona that I thought she would like. But I just wasn't able to keep this up. I bared my soul with my therapist, and it just wasn't possible to appear perfect all the time. You don't need to be anyone other than yourself. I know people say this all the time but the reason they do is because it is so true. You are a beautiful, intelligent, funny, and caring woman and there is no reason anyone would not like you for who you are. If you are nervous, try even telling the therapist that. It will help to lighten the situation and let them know how you are feeling.
Mel, YOU CAN TOTALLY DO THIS! Follow your heart, listen to your intuition, and most of all, believe in yourself. As one of the wisest bears ever said, "... you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.” And I will be with you, your family will be with you, the blog community will be with you. So when you step over the threshold into the office, know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are all holding you in our thoughts, our positive energy, and most of all, our love, support, and compassion. Go get 'em girl!
xoxox
Trust in yourself and in your own strength...you can get through that door tomorrow and get those words out into the open. I like the index card idea... And, remember this, the therapist you're going to see is going to listen to you, really going to listen to you and will NOT judge you for anything you say. You don't have to impress anyone, you don't need to be perfect...just start talking and the words will come. It's hard, so hard sometimes, but the talking gets easier with time and practice. You can do this Melissa...we believe in you...your family believes in you...take that in with you. *hugs*
I wish I could come w/you and hold your hand. You're a strong chica. Always remember that even when you feel weak.
Good luck with your appointment!
I've been lurking on your blog for a while, and I think you're pretty awesome. Take care of yourself.
You are so strong Melissa and while tonight might be tough, you will get through it and you will move forward. I know you have it in you and I'm so excited for you! Let me know how it goes!
You got this. I know it is hard, but it will get better. My sister always calls me on her way to therapy, sometimes to get off her chest what she needs to say in there or just to get her mind off the fact that she is driving there. Good luck!
I wish I had some wonderful way or articulating how worth it this whole experience will be, but all I can say is that it WILL make a difference. It's absolutely TERRIFYING, I know, but remember why you're there in the first place- to rid yourself of this obsession, this fear, this way of thinking. It's going to be hard, but you CAN do it. You have so much life ahead of you, do this for YOU and DON'T GIVE IN when ED tries to stop you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers love!! xoxo
I have been reading your blog for some time now but I have never commented. I wanted to let you know that I am here, another reader, who understands your struggle. From the bottom of my heart I hope that you are able to battle this and find a way out for good.
Just wanted to wish you good luck, as I'm on the west coast too and it's approaching 6:30 pst. You can do this! :)
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