This is how I felt this afternoon:
I’ll get to that in a moment. The rest of the post will explain and lead up to it.
I started off the day with my fearful TJ’s LF Almond Granola that I had yesterday and today, it wasn’t as hard to eat. I actually gave it no second thought after I had eaten or any other time during the day. Baby steps and accomplishments here! I had it with a white peach, strawberries, raspberries and some TJ’s Natural PB.
I spent the morning out here finding places to set up places to do bird point count surveys…did you know the Mojave Desert has several different birds that are species of concern or endangered, along with other endangered amphibians, mammals and lizards…all of which I’ve been lucky enough to come across!
I did a serious amount of 4-wheeling today in the area and man does my right calf hurt from all the driving! It was exhausting so I snacked on one of my Berry Oatmeal Bars to revive myself…along with some semi-cold coffee. Bleck. I needed it to stay awake though, I was pretty exhausted.
A bit after lunch time I headed home to work on paperwork and finally eat my lunch! I ended up eating what I brought with me but paired it up with some cold fruit from the fridge that’s on it’s last leg from the farmer’s market last week.
Enter a piece of bakery bread with a mix of pb and justin’s chocolate hazelnut butter, cantaloupe and a pluot. So freak’n delicious.
That chocolate hazelnut butter gave me a nasty chocolate craving so I had the other half of my TJ’s Dark Chocolate Bar for dessert.
And then I noshed on Cinnamon Puffins.
It was not out of hunger either, which made me feel absolutely and horribly guilty.
Herein lies the truth and pain that further ensued. I had plans to go out tonight with my own test against my social anxiety by attending a monthly Art Exhibit and Show around the downtown area, but after this afternoon of mindless noshing and not having exercised all day, I felt I couldn’t go. I couldn’t show myself out there in public in front of those people I didn’t know because I wouldn’t be good enough, I wouldn’t be someone they would want to talk to and get to know. It’s a horrible cycle that my brain goes through during these times, but I took a step back and looked at the situation.
I consulted a few friends who were there and ready to provide guidance and kind words, and then proceeded to take a nap and calm myself down. I slowly got dressed and then even decided to put on makeup. Yep, I wore the stuff that I hate because I can’t put it on right, but also because I feel like it draws attention, the kind that I’m more afraid of.
Anyhow I headed out and enjoyed the art work, the cool breeze of the mountains, the sound of the trains and chatter of so many townspeople who all know each other because the place is so small. I focused on the things that brought me joy and relaxation and stayed calm. I was able to have fun.
I found it ironic when I came across this sticker on the mirror at the Train Museum and couldn’t help but post it and believe it 100%
I was in a B&W mood so bear with my photographs from tonight…
(See the train going by in the background?!)
I hadn’t eaten dinner before we left so you can bet by the time I got home I was famished. I needed some veggies for the day so I had a huge spinach salad w/ cucumber, tomato, red bell pepper, broccoli slaw, a veggies burger and TJ’s Sesame Seed Ginger Dressing. I also had a fresh ear of corn on the side I got yesterday at the market. Of course with a bit of salt. Best way to eat it!
But I have to tell you the truth about dinner.
I didn’t want it. I felt like I had to eat it because I hadn’t gotten my veggies in, or enough protein. And then…I was restricting. Salads like this are my safe meals, the ones I resort to when I feel like I’ve eaten too much, not gotten enough exercise, etc. I remember days like this years ago, endless days of salads and vegetables to fill my belly so I wouldn’t feel hungry and need to eat.
A part of me is proud I ate this because I feel like I accomplished something by restricting. But then another part of me is disappointed that I gave into my ED by restricting after overcoming it by going out into town this evening. I’m on a whim right now about how I feel. I was certainly full after this meal so I haven’t eaten anything else…but I’m still bothered by the fact that I gave in.
Tomorrow is a new day though. I’m working through these emotions that have plagued me for too long and destroying them. I can’t wait until I can be free of them…hopefully sooner rather than later…
Hope everyone has some fun plans for the 4th! I’m excited for it because of the 5k and my parents are coming up for the day to see me! What do you have planned?
19 comments:
what I see in this post are two WINS. You went out and you ate something nutritious for your body and you fought the urge to restrict. they are WINS girl. Whenever I binge (and trust me...I've eaten 3 full chocolate bars at once) I can't look at my bf cause I feel so GUILTY that I am doing things behind his back...I get it girl but just take each day at a time. BTW which is better justin's hazelnut nut butter or pb&co chocolate dreams? Have a great 4th! I'll be working today!
Hi Melissa! I just found your blog and started reading it. I just wanted to say that when I read this post I see a lot of victory. You went to the art exhibit. You reached out for support from friends. You enjoyed yourself even though it was a difficult thing for you to do. You paid attention to what was going on with you at dinner.
As you know, there will be setbacks in recovery, but it doesn't mean you failed. You might restrict or overeat or exercise more than your body needs. But you grow by learning from those moments.
I think you are an amazing example of not settling with the eating disorder but continuing to fight even when it is hard. (Well that was a long first comment!)
I am so proud of you! You did an amazing thing - and took amazing pictures!
Take things one day at a time - that is all you can do!
Enjoy the fourth of July!
I'm glad you went out even though you didn't feel like it. That was huge. And I wouldn't look at your salad as a failure....it was a healthy choice for a meal....whether or not you really wanted it...
Exactly what you said, tomorrow is a new day. That means there is always a fresh start and a chance to improve as each day goes by. Like you said earlier in this post, you are making baby steps, so eventually it will all add up. Keep up the great work and enjoy your weekend! :)
Maybe my perspective is skewed, but I don't see your dinner as restrictive at all! I think you should be proud of the bravery and courage it took to go out on your own, and not beat yourself up because you ate a salad (with protein, carbs, and some heft) when you got home. You have nothing to feel bad about. Be proud...I know I am!
I agree with all of the commenters, you should be proud of your day because you did accomplish so much.
More importantly though, what you share is making a difference for others who struggle with EDs. The more I read your blog the better I realize how much my ED still controls my life. Your honesty and openness motivates me to reconsider and address my own issues. I sometimes think because I eat a normal amount of calories and fat that I'm healed, but the fact is there is still a lot I need to work on. Thank you for your rawness and know that you really are making a difference :) Happy Fourth!
Aww girlie, I feel for you here. I often find myself trapped in the same "I'm not good enough" cycle. I'm SO proud of you though that you did go to the event regardless. That is a positive outcome in my book! And sometimes the bad thoughts about food and our bodies are there. But it also sounds like you're relatively good at listening to your body. In the end, I think it's just important to remain calm about it no matter what. Calmness always seems to help.
Have an awesome fourth of july weekend!
Good job for going out! I remember that that used to be really hard for me. Now I don't mind it so much. And the salad... I eat a salad everyday for lunch! Sure, it does feel "safe". But its also a healthy way to get in a lot of vegetables and protein that the body needs! Not to mention... at least to me, a good salad is one of the tastiest meals in the world.
The way I see it, you accomplished something very hard for yourself today. There's a part of you that is disappointed because you didn't live exactly your ideal... but recovery isn't about being perfect, it's about making steps, small steps. It's about awareness. It's about challenging yourself in ways that you can handle. I think yesterday was a success for you. It's hard to go out in public when there are so many negative thoughts weighing on your brain... but you did it. And for that you should be proud.
You're on a journey. That journey starts with awareness. You have that down.
Hugs to a very strong person.
I agree with what some others have already pointed out- you did make some great success here and should really give yourself credit for that! Setbacks will always come in small doses- getting healthy and free is a long process and will be neither perfect nor quick. But cherish those proud moments where you act as brilliantly as you did now! x
Melissa, I can't even tell you how proud I am of you for going out. That is BIG girl. No matter what else happened, you did something no matter what that stupid voice in your head was saying.. you had a victory. And sometimes we fall, but we have to pick ourselves back up. And the important thing about the salad is that you recognize it as an ED behavior, which is the first step is putting it to a stop. I believe in you. You are a STRONG woman and you CAN do anything you set your mind to. Stay strong. Always here for you. Love you!
we definitely have our tough days, the ups and the downs, but i think you are absolutely right that tomorrow IS a new day and we just need to move on, let go, and keep chugging forward. and know that to move forward, the tiny steps DO matter... im proud of you girl!
(and i love the black & white photos!)
I just think you are one of the most beautiful and toughest people ever.
I envy you (I confess), I yearn for the physical abilities you have hon.
Every day and every moment and every meal...it doesnt' have to perfect. Do what you do. Then the next day do again. Just love yourself and don't be so toughie on u.
Hey lovely
Thanks for being so open and honest in your posts. It really makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who wants to isolate a lot of the times. It's always me not thinking I'm good enough to be with other ppl, or that I'm fun enough or interesting enough.
However, you're different in that you made the effort-- as hard as it was. And you did an amazing job! You're such an inspiration, so keep on going as hard as it may be.
Goodluck on your run tmrw!
I don't have plans yet, prolly just catch some fireworks and relax, rent a movie, finish up hmwrk...fun :)
You are an awesome photographer girl!
Dana xo
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
Hey girl, awesome post. I love how you really put yourself out there. The photos are absolutely amazing- even gallery worthy! I know what you mean about "safe meals". I have a few of those myself that I always go back to. It feels so good once you eat our of your comfort zone and realize nothing's changed, though. :) Keep it up. We're here for you!
Hey girl,
Just wanted to let you know that I don't comment often because I read from my iPhone and I'm not at my computer a lot during the day anymore. Anyways, I just wanted to say that you are AMAZING. Not only for your passions and career (which honestly, I am envious!) but for your courage to put it all out there. I read this blog and in a way, can relate to many of the things you describe. You are beautiful from the inside and out and it comes through in your writing. If you ever need a friend, let me know.
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