Fighting Back

[[Side Note: Fighting Back


I have an inner demon that rears it's head pretty high every once in a while.  And as weak and miserable as I feel, I fight back.  The Demon says one thing, and I scream another.  It likes to think it's always right, but I know it's always wrong.  This is what it said on Monday, and this is how I fought back...


"I wake up miserable.  The first thing that presents itself is, "I feel FAT."  WAIT.  Five steps back, "You can't feel fat.  What's going on?"  Well, "I feel like...so many things.  I'm putting anxiety over anxiety and making everything worse.  I'm failing at what I'm supposed to be good at."  Ok, "So, run through your emotions, run through the feeling and figure out what's really bothering you."


Initial thought: I feel fat.


Real thought: I feel...

• lonely = not many friends, not social
• like a failure = eating is whacked out, can't control and just eat when hungry
• rejected = I can't catch a boy's eye.  If I do, he turns the other way.
• displaced = No friends around that are my age, all are married and have kids.
• disheveled = Nothing looks good on me, my hair is officially uncontrollable and a mess.
• not good/pretty enough = My clothes don't fit, I have no fashion/design sense, my body is soft/pudgy, the mirror shows the errors of my actions

I feel...lost.  As much as I feel found with so many revelations, my heart is still wandering around aimlessly through the world with the feelings that no one cares (even though I know they do).  Why can I not believe that people love me for who I am, my vivacious spirit, unique environmental and avian antics, and smile when I laugh?  My sarcasm, dry humor, dedication, passion and just...being me?  What is so bad about being me?  Why is it so horrible?  Because you're not as pretty as the next girl or surrounded by boys?  Well you know what: Maybe she thinks the same thing about you.  maybe she wants that kind of laughter you have with your friends, maybe she wants to get outside, be dirty and enjoy the wind in her hair...maybe she wants to really be you...so then what?


There is something about taking time to think things over when you feel upset.  I got through dips and falls like this but I always come out better on the other end.  It takes time, like this one, a day or so, but in the end it's ok.  I hate that I even have to go through these periods, but I'm learning, and healing.  And that's what my blog is all about, right?  Oh helllllll yeah.


How do you fight your demons?  Well, I really hope you don't have any in the first place, but how do you fight back? ]]


Today, was such a better day.  How could it not with this kind of morning:

Now that's what I call a good morning.  I had originally packed a smoothie that was defrosting in my lunch bag, with the knowledge of the days temperature getting up into the hundreds...but it wasn't quite that hot at 6.15am.  So I swapped out breakfast with lunch (apple and pb sandwich), which was just as good and sufficed ok.

You can bet though that as soon as that sun came up over those hills it was blazin out there!  Standing around in 100+ degree heat w/o any shade is harsh.  I drank more water than imaginable...and needed even more.  It was off the hook.


I did have a morning snack of a piece of blueberry walnut bread and some cherries, but was too delirious from the heat to take a picture of them for you.  You can see it from yesterday if you really want, it's not that exciting.


Hours later I was starved for lunch and what better than a 1/2 defrosted smoothie to help cool me down!?

I got home to run some errands and had the intention of doing a speed workout, but with the temps as high as they were and the fire that is burning like a monster to the West, I decided to opt out of it and do something inside my nice cool apartment.  I fueled up before with a bowl of cereal and some cantaloupe before getting my core kicked by the man in P90X.


I have never hurt so bad in my life.  Ok, that's an overstatement; it was definitely hard though and I was still sweat'n balls in the apartment!  One day I'll have ripped abs like that man...ok, not.  Just to be toned would be fine with me.


I think she wanted in on the action too.  Or she's jealous of my mad skills:

After cleaning up I started on the marinating tofu I had going along with lots of veggies to make an awesome stir-fry for dinner!

It was deliciouuuuuuus.  Along with the very tart plout from the farmer's market:

There was only a bed of lettuce underneath that, and I needed carbs, so I snacked on some honey twisted pretzels afterwards.  Tasty tasty.


Tomorrow's gonna be another scortcher!  So I'll be out the door earlier than you can say, WHAT?!  And I'm supposed to be getting my computer back and WORKS.  Yeah, we'll see if that happens.