Don't think I forgot about these Insights! I've just been a bit side tracked but I have every intention of answering every single Insight!
Um, can a plain ol' desert count? Because that's where I go about every single day. So...5 songs? This should be interesting because most of my music is sappy and whoa is me...is that bad? Hah!
- Let Me In by Save Ferris: I have loved this song since it came out in...1999? Omg its so old...but how could you not love it when it was on an episode with Roswell, with Katherine Heigl was still a no name? Oh yeah, I liked her before all of you even knew about her. Ok, unless you watched Roswell. Anyhow, this song has always had a place in my heart. It may be a breakup song but I can't help but love Monique Powell's vocals...it simply blows me away every time. (here's a link to the song on YouTube someone did and as great as the song is, it's covered in kittens too! They're so cute!)
- Fearless by Colbie Caillat: Again, another breakup song but it 's a strong one. I mean, it reassures you how strong you are without that guy and you can come out stronger, and still love. How could you not love that?
- Eye of the Tiger by Survivor: This song always helps get me pumped for...anything. I mean, how could it not?! It's got an awesome beat too, something you can jump around to and throw your fists at.
- I Will Remember You by Sarah Mclachlan: This one holds hard and true to my heart for two reasons. I had a friend from elementary school whom I was great friends with up until she passed away from a brain tumor when I was 19. When my best friend called to tell me she had died this song came on the radio and every time I hear it I remember all the good times we had. The other reason I love it so much is because when I was in high school...I died. Ok, well, it was fake but I had an obituary (that I wrote). I participated in a program called Every 15 Minutes to promote the prevention of drunk driving and it was the song of our vigil. It was a touching and eye opening experience.
- and...I have no more.
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(My friend sent me a picture of us at the finish line of the race! Look at all that gear! I must have looked like a fool!! Haha!)
(My friend sent me a picture of us at the finish line of the race! Look at all that gear! I must have looked like a fool!! Haha!)
I should have known the cereal wouldn't hold me over very long so I had a snack plate mid afternoon of an Asian Pear, Laughing Cow Light, a bit of hummus, and TJ's Wheat Crackers. Enough to tide me over for family visits!
After chilling out for a bit with the extended family I was starting to get hungry so I fished out something from the fridge for dinner.
I've been slackin on the vegetable front the past few days and am feelin' it in my sluggishness, so dinner was filled with them:
- Chickpeas
- Tomato
- Corn
- Cucumber
- Broccoli
- Carrots
- Basil
- Garlic
- Balsamic Vinegar
And then I continue to believe I was still hungry and had these for dessert:
If you can't tell what the later is (which I'm sure you can't) I made these a bit ago and they're graham cracker cookies with chocolate hazelnut butter inside covered in chocolate. Decadent no? Yeah, watch six of those go in my mouth...
Tomorrow is another day...
[[Side Note: Finding a Light the Day After
I've fallen over and can't get up. But I'm trying, I just have to.
I have to find the light of balance.
I'm learning. The past few weekends with long runs and traveling has been inspiring and brought me to a good place in my heart and mind. But there is still a part of me that I'm having to work on: the day after. (It's kinda hard to describe and I'm not sure how this is going to come out, but eventually it might make sense)
I used to have a hard time on the day of a long run: being able to fuel while running and then eat to recover afterwards...instead of focusing on how many calories I burned and how it would help me lose the weight I wanted to lose. It has gotten easier as of late as I see how much better I feel and aren't just mush the rest of the day. It keeps me motivated to listen and take care of my body.
But now I struggle with the day after. I have never felt so anxious; it drives me crazy to take a day off. It becomes the worst eating day of the week. Why the worst? Because I feel out of control with my hunger and my cravings...my sodium levels are still out of whack, I'm still dehydrated and probably missing calories from the day before.
Yet my brain likes to scream, "How do you know?!" The answer is: I don't. I just have to try and listen to my body, but my brain doesn't want it. It wants to treat the day like any other during the week when I don't do as much exercise and trick me into believing my signals are wrong and I'm eating far too much. It plays tricks on my mind, trying to convince me to exercise and burn burn burn...it makes me feel more guilty than I should.
I want to relish on the high from my performance of the day before, not wallow in the worry that I'm eating too much. I need to believe that sitting around and eating is healing the muscles I beat up so badly in those miles and those hills. But it is so hard. It hurts my brain and heart to think about. It rips me to shreds because somehow, some way, (please don't hate me when I say this) I still think I'm going to wake up the next morning and have gained 10lbs. They are ridiculous thoughts, ideas and antics, but I just can't shake them.
I sit here now after that dessert scolding myself over it, wanting to punch out a shit ton of situps, pushups and jumping jacks to get rid of them. But I'm not; instead I'm typing this to release that anxiety. It's not working very well, but it's a step in the right direction, along with taking time to play with Honey, tend to my personal hygiene (ie take a shower, get your head out of the gutter! hah!) and get into bed with a good book to try and relax...
Any tips? I really want to be able to enjoy my running with all the joy it could bring me, but my continuing fight with my ED is robbing me of it. I really hate this and being this way...Ugg... ]]
12 comments:
hmm i think i would want something ridiculous and upbeat to keep me going... likee some b spears? (i'm a sucker, what can i say) also love my maroon 5 john mayer etc...
anyways, hope you havea restful evening and pleasant dreams
tons of love
becca
Sorry to hear that you're struggling... Oftentimes I don't like running and associate it with just a means to "undo" stuff, if you know what I mean. I think it's a daily battle and one that might be aided by running in company.
It's a constant daily struggle that a lot of us go through, even me. :( But when I have my guilty days, I have to remind myself that my worth isn't based on what I look like or how many lbs I am (or feel)! Don't forget to love yourself!
I hope the running continues to be a healthy outlet for you...but it seems like it might be causing you a lot of food stress. You have to fuel to run (you know this). If you are hungry, there is a reason, and with all the running you are doing, it's no wonder!
Love you, hon.
turn your desire to release the energy/emotion into something of joy - dance like no one's watching! celebrate your body and all that it does for you!
I think you said it best the other day when you said "food=fuel"...don't think that you are being lazy or "fat" the next day..just think of that day as a day for you to get STRONGER for your next run. You are so gorgeous in the race photo!! so strong!!...and fast! -mymarblerye
hello! I've been following your blog for a week or so and totally love the honesty and warmth!
Very touched by your "insight". I can relate so well. The feeling to always be doing "something" is with me too. So on my days off - I usually try to do something low-key like yoga (so good for us runners!) It fulfills my emotional need to do something physical but I am also nurturing my body - stretching and gently strengthing it. It also helps to clear my mind and release tension and anxiety.
Hang in there! You are doing GREAT!!!
I LOVE SAVE FERRIS! I was a sophomore in high school when "It Means Everything" came out, and I can't listen to that album without feeling like I'm sixteen again. I wanted to BE Monique. Great, GREAT songs. I'm pretty sure all of my desert island music would be Green Day - I'd be hard pressed to pick my top five, though.
I have the same problem - my "rest" day it is always SO much harder to eat enough than the days when I'm exercising. Rationally I know that I need the calories to recover, but there's always that ED voice just focusing on the calorie numbers. I'm trying to fuel to eat rather than eat to fuel as well, so I can definitely relate there. It's hard to keep perspective, but I just try to make an effort whenever those thoughts crop up to use my nutritional knowledge to defeat them!
So sorry about this but think it's great for you to have an honest outlet here - I hope today is better! I understand your appetite, sodium levels, etc feeling off. I've been running more lately and really learning to pay attention to my hunger cues and working on fueling and re-fueling properly. I just try to remember that I have to take care of my body in order to do the active things I want to do everyday. It helps.
Oh girl- a big hug. I've been struggling with feelings like that for a long time now, and I've found that the biggest remedy is to eat what I know I'm supposed to. When I don't deprive, my cravings aren't nearly as bad, and I have so much more control over them. Plus, there's a peace to knowing you eat enough each day, instead of undereating one day and overeating the next....by doing that every day, you don't feel the need to compensate for an indulgent day with lots of running and restricting.
Sending lots of positive vibes your way!
It's a little tough for me to proffer advice here, since I'm not an expert in athletic training (and have no experience with it). But I do find that the day after strenuous exercise is usually thirsty and ravenous for me.
My way of dealing with that is simply to obey! Eat often, eat large portions, and REALLY hydrate. I don't think that you should try too hard to quantify, justify, or explain food on these days, Melissa. Just give your body what it needs, and know that, in a few days, you'll have evened out. Maybe this is inane advice, but it's what I got!
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