There has been a lot of talk about labels when it comes to eating choices, anywhere from being a pescitarian to vegetarian to vegan. But the one I want to discuss has to do with eating disorder labels. When does it leave you? Will it ever and can you simply get rid of it?
I got a comment recently that I responded to in my comments section but wanted to bring the topic out onto the blog because I think it is an important one.
"In all honesty, is it that you WANT to have an eating disorder as part of your identity? i ask because a) you don't exercise that much b) you're not underweight but talk as if you are and c) you seem to eat pretty normal. if you used to have an ED, start to accept the fact that you're recovered a great deal. don't hold on to the label longer than you have to."
It's a good point really. But there is something about eating disorder labels that is different from life choices that we make about our food: we don't ask for it or want it. Because believe me, I don't want it.
Am I recovered?
I'm getting there.
I may seem normal: at a good weight, eating well and fueling for workouts, but in all reality I still exhibit many signs of not being recovered mentally. To be blunt, there is not a day that goes by that I don't hate the way my body looks. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think I'm fat and have a morphed image of my body. There is not a day that I don't hate the number that last appeared on the scale. There is not a day where I don't like so many of the choices I make whether it be about eating or exercise and not want to combat it in horrible disordered ways. There is more exercise and eating that goes on behind the blog than I talk about, but I'm just too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it. Every other day I want to restrict, or go on a diet of some sort, but simply can't because I remember how miserable I felt. When I have a good workout or race I'm happy with what my body can accomplish and power through, but it is never enough. Nothing, is ever enough.
So you see, as much as I would love to say I'm recovered, and shout from the rooftops, "I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER ANYMORE!" I cannot. I do not believe that my ED will ever leave me but do believe that one day I will be able to leave that word behind and live a life of happiness the way it should be led. I think I will be able to deal with these thoughts in a good way and see how much I am more than my body.
Ergo, no, I do not want an ED as part of my identity but it is there, and it will be until I can work through every aspect of it to gain control of my live to live joyfully again. It is not as easy task and I think the mental part is much harder than the physical. Like I said, everything may look great from the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming to be let out. ]]
Today, was a much needed rest day for this girl's body as I had run three days in a row and did an hour long ST session in the midst of all of that. And besides, my left quad (problem area in the past) and knee were soar/achy/weird feeling so a day of no exercise was a must. Don't get me wrong, I still did some pushups and situps, but that was about the gist of it.
This morning was cold to say the least. Can we say Fall already? Not quite, since this weekend it's supposed to get up to the high 80's or low 90's again. But according to the weatherman this will be our last heat wave of the year...we'll see about that.
I didn't start off the morning with anything interesting because I simply didn't know what I wanted, as seemed to be the theme for the rest of the day.
TJ's Cinnamon Raisin Bread with PB and a Golden Delicious Apple
Like I said, not very exciting. Neither was most of the morning or snacks thereafter, since I was battling some freak'n crazy winds out in the desert which resulted with more sand stuck to my chapstick'd lips than ever in my life. At least the grapes, berry bar and apple made it safely into my belly.
The afternoon was no more exciting as Honey had every reason to hate me after lunch (soup and leftover potatoes) as I took her in to get her nails trimmed. Tortured cat = hater cat. Like, devil eyes for a while after we got home. I dared not pet her and instead just fed her lots of chicken shaped little treats. Still couldn't get a purr from her. She'll get over it.
Instead she basked in the glory of getting all my nice, warm and clean clothes dirty again. Please refrain from staring at my pink striped undies...
The rest of the afternoon was spent drinking lots of tea because it was in the high 50's and I was frozen. And a few PB Pretzel Nuggets.
But then, there was something I got from the postman as a belated birthday present.
Hellooooooo delicious. You can bet I demolished one of these babies in an instant. Well, mine didn't quite look like they did still at Mama Pea's house as the postal service did a number on them, but it was probably equivalent to one of them. And maybe an extra half.
Dinner came around and I still didn't feel like eating anything in particular. The past few days I have been an empty hole of hunger and none my appetite is there, but I have no want for anything. Weird body; get with it.
So, I relished in leftovers to keep things from spoiling:
Chik'n patty, marinara, spinach and sheepherder's bread.
And some strawberries. But what you don't see is the pudding that went on there after I took the picture left. There was just a tad left in the fridge. And some cookie crumbs for topping. Geez...
Off to watch some premieres! Will it be Bones, or Grey's? Cause people, this chick doesn't have DVR alright. Just Hulu. :)
17 comments:
Omg those apples with the pb and bread look amaaaaaaazing :). Such a great healthy snack!!
I can definitely relate to this. I struggle daily with my body image. (As much as I would like to be over it, I'm just not.)
I'm getting there as well though and enjoying the healing process. I wouldn't say I've ever truly experienced an eating disorder but I do struggle with disordered-eating. (Does that make sense?)
Anyway, I love that you can talk about this. It helps people like me to see that I'm not alone.
We already talked, so you know how I feel, but I just wanted to thank you for being so brave.
I love ya!
the label really will start to leave you eventually, it just takes a a lot of time. I've been working on recovery for 4 years now, and it was really only in the last 6 months that I feel like it's let go. I still have days where I don't like my body, or I make choices that I'm not comfortable with, but the thoughts don't take up most of my hours like they used to. I takes time to heal, but it will happen. Take care :)
K
it's crazy how someone can "judge" you based on what you post. My post show me as a funny gal but deep down I struggle EVERY.SINGLE.DAY with my image, with my weight gain. ED is a MENTAL disease..it's not what we "appear" to others! Great honest post..I hope you taught the idiots out there a thing or two.
Your post is so right on. The person who posted those comments obviously has never been in recovery from an eating disorder. As someone who has dealt with disordered eating ranging from ip in an ED unit for anorexia to a bulimic and everything in between for more than half of their life, I understand that that comment would have hurt. You are so brave and doing so well. It is hard, really hard but you are making better choices every day and are an inspiration to many.
Bec.
ED is so much more than a physical manifestation of restriction. It's an entire mentality. You've made great strides in just the time I've been reading your blog, but only we can really know the inside of our heads. I still push disordered thoughts away sometimes, even though I consider myself "recovered." I think the problem with the ED label is that, like all labels, it categorizes and belittles something much bigger. You are more than the ED you did have or still struggle with. It is clear that ED does not define you, and that's all that matters.
I hope you have a wonderful day!!
I actually JUST read an article about eating disorder labels.
You can have an ED and be at a healthy weight.
You can be miserable at a healthy weight.
You can not exercise and be wrapped in an ED.
don't let stereotypes fool you!
week is almost over, yay!
looooove,
bec
M
We've emailed about this..and I feel strongly enough to write it on a comment....anyone that makes a comment to you, the way that person did, clearly has never struggled with an ED. You know my story - and I know yours. When you develop an ED, and the moment you attempt to recover, you are always in recovery. Forever. It's a disease. Those naysayers that think it isn't - forget them. They don't know what they're talking about.
You may get to the point where your identity no longer aligns with having an ED which will be great!, but you will always remember where you were and where you came from. It will always be a part of who you are...because once you no longer feel the way you feel (dysmorphed body image/calorie counting/etc) you'll be able to look back on it and say...see how strong I am? :-)
Hang in there babe! You're doing great!
I think body image is something that relates to everyone - I have negative thoughts about my body all the time but I have never been diagnosed with a formal eating disorder.
I appreciate your honesty and bravery in writing about your feelings. It takes a special person to do that!
I can relate to what you're describing. I've definitely come a long way from when I was first hit with my ED, but there's still a road in front of me that I need to travel. I'm happier now, but there are still days where I'm not happy with my body, my food choices or anything of that nature. And not to brag, but my eating habits are dead on healthy; no refined anything, hardly any extra sugars, ever, etc. And I still feel upset about some of it.
The comment that you don't think the ED will never go away is something I find sad but true. I don't think I'll ever lose the effects of this, but I'm sure there will come a time when it's not as bad on my life as it was before.
I apologize for the scattered comment, but I felt the need to express my ability to relate to how you feel and I wanted to let you know that I'm open and willing to listen if you ever need someone to talk to. It's always better to have a friend to support you. :)
i posted the comment and i thought it funny that people expressed with such certainty that i must never have had an eating disorder because of the suggestion that you have to consider when it's time to let go of your "label" when it doesn't apply anymore. indeed i have had a very serious eating disorder for many years and i have been successful in recovering from it after it destroyed many years of my life. one of the difficult parts was embracing the concept of me as a healthy person rather than the "girl with the eating disorder". my point is that if your behaviors reflect recovery, don't stop your brain and self-concept from catching up with that.
I feel like i'm in the same boat with you as far as the ED goes. I'm physically recovered but it's still a mental struggle. But we're not alone :) And it will get better, I know this.
I've been feeling the same way about eating.. hungry but nothing is really appealing. Odd for me.
Those cookies look AMAZING!
Love you doll!
Interestingly I recently had a very similar reply to a post of mine. I'm not sure why anyone thinks these are ways we choose to feel. They've obviously never been in a similar place.
I'm sorry you received that thoughtless comment but am glad to see all the supportive comments that you so rightly deserve.
I wonder if someone who has ever had (or still has) an ED (or any addiction) is ever truly recovered. I believe 100% that recovery is doable and people go on to lead very normal, healthy happy lives, but like an alcohlic say, is it ever GONE? I def think it becomes a part of a person and shapes them into the people they become so I guess it's up to the individual to use their power in a postivie manner throughout their lives. And I think you're doing that, Melissa. You may struggle, but you are consistant in fighting this and I think that tenacity will take you so far in life.
I sure hope all that made sense and I haven't offended anyone!!! :/
Have you read the book "Life without ED" by Jenni Schaefer?
I have Binge Eating Disorder and agree that even though I am MUCH better, I'll never be totally clear of the ED. The book Life without Ed helped me understand that I am not my eating disorder, so instead of beating myself up about it, to not let it get me down. I would be mad at myself for making a "wrong choice" but instead I learned that "Amy" wasn't making the choice, "eating disorder" was.
It helped me out greatly, if you haven't read it I'd recommend it.
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