[[Side Note: Not What I Thought
I have to tell you the truth. As much as I am so excited to have PR'd on this difficult course, I thought nothing but failure most of the time. Even now, I'm still in disbelief at how I got the time I did. Why do you ask?
Before the race:
I had a huge fear of failing. I thought about all the training and how it wasn't enough. I knew I was doing all the right things: fueling while running, fueling better before and after the run, being at a higher elevation, running hills, upping my miles...but I never seem to think it is enough. There were three speed workouts in a span of well, too long and I knew I needed more.
But the biggest part I had to deal with was my weight. Yes, I bought a scale. Yes I use it, not very often (ie 2-3x a week) but I still use it and that number is still there. And it was up from the last 1/2 marathon I did at the end of January in Miami. How could I possibly run a 1/2 marathon faster now, weight up as it is? And to boot, my running clothes are not fitting light they used to. How did I go from them being pretty flow-y to having the rim of the leg touch every inch of my thigh?
During the race:
I feel horrible. I feel like I can't do this. I'm going to fail and not hit my mark. I'm going to let so many people down that have been cheering me on.
After the race:
How did this happen? How did I actually beat my old time? How is this possible?
Because, I did everything right this time. I listened to my body during the run and provided it with what it needed. I gave it the salt and electrolytes it needed, the water and food to keep it running and feeling almost 100%. I ate things needed before and after; I stretched and walked; I massaged and listened to my body. I did what I was supposed to do, and the results show.
So yes, I may have gained some weight because I still have some issues to work through as far as emotional eating, but there is nothing to be ashamed of as far as my body goes. I have never felt more strong in my life than I did during that race, and I have run A LOT of races in my time as a runner. It was amazing, and really I can't describe it like I wish I could. It was like a star went off in my brain and released these things have should have been released so long ago.
I'm trying my hardest to move away from the material things or looks wise that I keep believing I'm defined by. It's hard though, as it's been ingrained in my head for so long, so many long long years. And I know that as soon as I'm able to overcome those struggles, that I'll have more races like this, but there will be no fear of failure. There will be anxiety yes, but it will be the good kind, the kind I want and will help propel me to the end of the course with a gigantic smile on my face.
Oh what to do now...what to do to overcome this... ]]
12 comments:
Hi! Im not gonna lie, my guess is that your shorts seem tighter because you have more MUSCLE!!! :D And that is something you should be proud of! And so what if it isnt all muscle, you look gorgeous and are strong anyway! Just saying...:)Dont let weight gain get to you, it never leads anywhere good-focus on how strong and how fast you have become instead!! I still cant believe you PR'd on that course, that really is AMAZING!!! :D
Maddi
congrats on your PR!
with very few exceptions, every single race i have ever run in my life, i pretty much feel horrible during it. not the whole thing, but periods of it, are just sooo hard. I am pushing, working, giving it alll the effort i possibly can and so of course I am tired and wonder and don't feel so hot on any level, and then, I usually step back and say who cares, it's just a race, that's when I am happiest. And I look around, see the spectators, see the clouds, see my husband running next to me, and it's all good.
Random comment.
Congrats to YOU!!!! :)
You are amazing! I love you.
It's definitely hard to get over the number. My suggestion - get rid of the scale!!!! The number will NEVER be "good enough." When I was at my lowest, I still felt like I needed to lose more! Now I've gained a bunch of muscle (and you probably have to - that's what happens when you exercise AND fuel properly) and I feel stronger and more confident in my workouts. Just remember every day how far you've come and how the number on the scale is not worth it compared to PRing/ your overall happiness level. Great job on combating those negative thoughts during your race!!!
You are so much stronger than you'll ever know.
Listening to your body instead of giving in to that disease is exactly what you needed to succeed. Look at you Melissa - you are strong, you are beautiful, and you are sub-2:00 hr half marathoner. And look at those voices in your head? What have they accomplished? Nothing! Shove your medal in their face and show them what you can do when you ignore them!
You rocked that race lady...amazing job!
I agree with the others that you're bound to have gained muscle, especially with all of that training on hills you've been doing. It's still hard to remember that though when your clothes start to fit more tightly and that number on the scale goes up (even for someone like me who doesn't have an ED). One thing I do to counter those thoughts is shamelessly admire my muscles when I'm doing yoga or strength training. :) It helps me to restructure those thoughts in positive ways.
I love your reflection and honesty about the race - I think you are so amazing for listening to your body and providing for it during training and during the race. You fueled your body properly and look what happened! :) You are strong. Remember that everyday!
you are definitely in the middle of a long and ongoing process to find a place where you can trust yourself and believe in your own power... just looking at your life it's easy as an outsider to see your power (hello moving alone all over the country), but you'l find it too
I am with Maddi - you probably have way more muscle than you did in January!
Great job!!! I love how positive the end of this post is - I wish I could get those negative demons out of your head . . .
Hugs!
Biz
what I love about you and me is that we understand that it's NEVER gonna be better...weight and self image issues will ALWAYS plague us but we gotta carry on..we have to look at the positive. I've been eating like adam on man v food lately but I just have to believe that tomorrow is a new day. WE have to forgive ourselves and let our bodies do what they naturally do. You are an amazing athlete but we have to take it a day at a time. <3 you! And for the love of GOD donate that scale to the salvation army...it's bad to have that at the house...I use to have 2!
Hey, hun! Remember...muscle weighs more than fat and I'm sure that in fueling properly you've packed on some gorgeous muscles!! And those muscles helped you PR b/c they make you strong, right? I think you're doing awesome!! :)
I can so relate to those feelings. (Hi! I'm a new reader!) For me, it's a struggle to push those thoughts aside and focus on my accomplishments and my strength. I love your honesty about your feelings.
Be proud of you! Congrats on the PR! I can't wait to read more.
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