I woke up to the thermometers reading 39 degrees! What the what?! I would have gone for oatmeal but there was some greek yogurt calling my name...along with some crunch. Nom nom nom nom...
GY, peaches, strawberries and kashi go lean crunch!
I was jostled around all morning and was hangry by the time I got a break for lunch! I was lazy creativity wise so I just had a veggie burger on sheepherders bread with the works. Nothing fancy. And carrot sticks.
And nothing better than a mixed berry bar for dessert:
Nothing exciting about the rest of the afternoon, other than I was tired and ran into way too many SNAKES!!! Gah!!!!
Thank goodness I had fresh Jonathan apple pieces and blueberry chocolate chip bread to keep me calm, right?!
My parents are coming this weekend for more apple picking so I cleaned up my place a bit since it was a weeeeeee bit dirty after last weekend. :) I wasn't going to because my legs were pretty sore from strength training yesterday but I figured a run might actually help. Off I went for a 3.7 mile run to loosen up everything...which tenses up pretty bad while I'm gripping the steering wheel with a death grip. Tense shoulders...ouch.
Dinner was cooked while I showered quick and needed it to warm up! It's amazing how chilly it gets when the sun goes down behind those mountains! There may still be some light, but most definitely no heat! Yikes!
I bought some TJ's Lentil Vegetable Soup and added in some water and extra broccoli, with a small sweet potato and ketchup on the side. Warmed me up gooooooooooooood.
Grapes were consumed thereafter along with chamomile tea to get me ready for bedy by...after GLEE of course.
[[Side Note: The Other Problem
Through my Side Notes I have gone through a significant amount of my feelings towards my under eating, over eating and anxiety, along with being social. But there is one thing I have left out that plays an additional factor in my ED recovery that I still can't pull myself away from: EXERCISE BULIMIA.
I know many of us have heard of this term, and others like compulsive exercising and as much as I show signs of these, it is not to the extreme or so unhealthy it's going to kill me (because I have been there, many years ago). But I want to highlight this type of eating disorder because I think it goes un-noticed by many. There are many symptoms and signs to look for in someone who has this disorder including:
- Rigidity to exercise session, even when ill or injured (ie unsafe situations)
- Skips social activities or personal responsibilities in order to work out.
- Is overly concerned/obsessive about calories, weight and exercise.
- Will make up missed sessions of exercise no matter the time, day or weather.
- Will add more exercise to a session because they ate more.
- Tries to add in the slightest bit of activity, even in secret (ie pushups or situps on the bathroom, or after going to bed)
- Cannot stand to take a day off from exercise, relax or do something less calorie burning.
When I first developed my ED I would exhibited basically every single one of these symptoms and lived a life of misery. Add in the actions of restricting and I was a complete mess. Over the past 7 years I have been able to walk away from many of these, except for a few.
Eating more or eating out is one of them. There are still many days, where I will have a schedule worked out for training, or just for exercise that day, but if I have eaten an extra bar or something, I will tack on an extra mile. Or a fitness DVD. Or some strength training. And it is never enough. I always feel like that bit of extra calories will drag into the next day and I still will feel like I need to make up for those calories.
Yes, I still do count calories so I know exactly how many I get during a day but never end up with a negative number (thank goodness it's not that bad anymore). But that is still no excuse. I should not have to feel like I need to "burn off what I've eaten" and need to get that idea out of my head.
I know, as well as you do, that the calories we eat in one day aren't just reset the next. Everything balances out in the end and our bodies will adjust. My brain just doesn't want to accept that. The anxiety is horrible.
So this, is my problem. This is what I'm working hardest on getting over, along with my body dysmorphia. I believe these are the last two things that are keeping me from becoming the person I could fully become, and that is what I want this year.
That, is what I want for my 25th birthday. ]]
11 comments:
Keep working at this Melissa...you've got the strength and courage to win. I believe in you. :)
everytime you are honest on your side notes I want to hug you. Instead of restricting food, I end up binging then exercising TONS the next day. It's crazy..I never see "progress" in my strength cause I am just burning off what I consumed during an emotional meltdown. For YOUR birthday I want you to slowly be free of everything cause you deserve to flyl like the birds you watch. ;)
Oh, I can relate so much. I was really bad with this until about a year ago, and I've slowly gotten better since then. I know the comparison trap isn't good, but whenever I get down about a rest day I look at blogs like HTP or Fitnessista and tell myself that if those gorgeous girls with amazing bodies can take rest days, so can I. Also, I've found that it helps to plan an ENTIRE day with friends to take my mind off of it. The other weekend I went to Long Island with a group of friends and literally didn't have time to exercise, which really helped. It's always easier to manage when you don't feel like you're just sitting around cooling your heels!!
I know this advice isn't much, but hopefully it helps a bit. It sounds like we've both had a lot of the same struggles, so if you ever want someone to just chat with, I'm always here!! Hope you have a great hump day love!!
Ahh I needed to read this post! I pushed myself wayy too hard with running last semester and got a stress fracture, yet I feel like I still have a lot to learn when it comes to listening to myself. I hate that I feel guilty for taking a day off of exercise, because we NEED them. I totally understand when you say it's "never enough." I am really working on just being my best self and NOT comparing to others, too!! It helps a lot.
Also I loove TJ's lentil soup AND I think I need to go buy more Kashi GoLean Crunch. It's my fave and you always make me crave it!!
A great post and a good issue to talk about! I think I've been borderline obsessive with working out in the past (Definitely not now) but never to the point where I would classify it as a disorder.
nothing amazing to add to your post, just wanted to say hi :)
melissa, thank you SO MUCH for this sidenote. man, this is an area in which i really struggle, and have for years. and thanks to the comments left already - esp Gabriela's - really good tips!
i love your blog, your honesty, and your thoughts. you're not alone and thank you for allowing me to feel not alone, too! we'll all keep journeying together (hope that doens't sound too hokey!) :)
I struggle with this problem too. Right now for me it's easy in retrospect to say it's not okay to exercise but in the present it's hard to say no. I never have been professionally diagnosed with an ed I do see that I draw toward some of the tendencies.
Like today, for instance. I feel like a I ate a ton a food for lunch (lots of fruits & veggies) and now feel the need to go and do some form of high intensity cardio even though I designated today as a yoga/rest day.
Thank you for being so honest here--you deserve nothing but the best for your 25th! :)
That's interesting about the compulsive exercising. Not so long ago I was killing myself to try and maintain a weight that just wasn't doable for me. That included exercising every single chance I got, even if it meant missing out on my kids events or social time. I also did the whole "I ate x amount of calories today so I have X amount to burn off now". I'm so glad I overcame that mind set although I still catch myself checking calories burned at the gym to see if I "zeroed" out my breakfast, bar, etc every now and again.
You've overcome so much this past year that I'm sure you'll come a long way on this goal, too!
in all honesty, is it that you WANT to have an eating disorder as part of your identity? i ask because a) you don't exercise that much b) you're not underweight but talk as if you are and c) you seem to eat pretty normal. if you used to have an ED, start to accept the fact that you're recovered a great deal. don't hold on to the label longer than you have to.
Re: Anonymous
Believe me, I do not want to have an eating disorder. I know I have come far from when this started 7 years ago, but just because I'm ok on the outside (ie eating normally, exercising and such) does not mean I am recovered. the THOUGHTS are still there. the guilt and anxiety are still there, which stem to other problems such as my social life and self esteem.
so of course I don't want to have this...I've beaten one part of the disease by making my body healthy and fueling it like it should be, but it doesn't mean my brain/mentality is healed. that is what I'm working on and hope to remedy with the work I'm doing with a therapist. I truly think this is the harder part of recovery than the physical, and it takes time.
there are several forms of eating disorders and work in different ways. I may not be full blown in any of them, but they're still there. Maybe you could say I'm just one messed up kid, but in reality, it stems down to ED and I still experience the symptoms.
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