Foodbuzz’d Emotions

[[Side Note: Foodbuzz’d Emotions

I enjoyed Foodbuzz so much last weekend.  It was an experience beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life.  Surrounded by good company and great food it was everything you could ever want in a beautiful San Francisco foodie filled weekend.

There were different emotions for different aspects of the weekend, so we’ll go one by one. 

First off: FOOD. 

Well, that’s a given.  Throw someone with an eating disorder into a room filled with food using ingredients like butter and cream and you’re screaming for a catastrophe.  Granted I did better than I thought I was going to, but it was still hard.  I enjoyed the things I ate, if I didn’t like them I didn’t finish it, and stopped when I was just a tad over full but not sick to my stomach.  But even though I was living in the moment food wise, there was so much stress behind those smiles about how I was going to counteract the bites and tastes I was consuming. 

The emotions running through my head were beyond sincere and no joke, I was worried about how I was going to wake up the next morning.  Were my jeans going to fit for another day of this?  Was I going to have to get an entire new wardrobe after these indulgences?  How exactly will my mind react to the changes about to take place.

It was reassuring by the time I woke up Sunday morning as all my friends headed out for their 13+ mile runs that I could still fit in my pants and that I was doing just fine.  There was no need for tears over buttons lost or shirts too tight, and in all seriousness, it was because of the people I surrounded myself with that made for less stress than I had anticipated.

Secondly: FRIENDS.

I cannot put words to how much the three girls I roomed with made the weekend.  Not only because we are so awesome together and know how to have a good time, but the pure positive presence they emit for all to see.

I am a person of simplicity so it was hard to stand next to these girls all glammed up in their leggings and makeup.  I wear pants and t-shirts for a living so to make me dress up puts me in a very difficult place and as simply put, I don’t know how to dress myself like a girl.  Ask me to find something to wear in 60mph winds in the 30* desert temps looking for birds and I can give you a menagerie of choices.  But being feminine is way in the back of my book I have yet to read.

I mean, I’m not a boy; I wear clothes that make me a girl, but I never feel comfortable in.  And to be surrounded by such beautiful girls, my roomies and everyone else at the conference included, was very hard to handle.  But I can’t thank my roomies enough for reassuring me that the simple clothes I brought were ok, that I was going to look fine, and that I just needed to be comfortable.

Kind words and the elimination of fat talk from our little hotel room was what I needed to keep me going that weekend.  Granted I was jealous of the long runs they were going on while I could only run 4 miles on the treadmill, their attitudes were passionate about having a great time, spending time with friends and enjoying the great event they were taking place in.

I cannot thank these girls enough, and I bet they didn’t know they could be such an inspiration.

Lastly: RUNNING.

I dabbled with this just a bit in the last section but let me be blunt and truthful: I was envious of all my roommates the entire weekend.  I wanted to steal their legs and go out and run the gorgeous Golden Gate Bridge (which is on my life list but who knows when will ever be accomplished) and along the North Shore.

But all in all, I was not jealous of the running experience they were having, but the crazy amount of calories they were burning while I might have done an 1/8 of what they did.  Sadly my brain still wraps most of my exercise around how many calories I’ve burned, and on top of that being injured doesn’t make things any easier,

I remember standing in the room after all of them had left thinking, how am I going to make up for this?  I’m exhausted and lethargic, but I have to do something.  I feel lazy but I have to burn them away…

I may have done a simple 4 miler on the treadmill, but what I didn’t include was that one of those miles was done faster than I have done in a very long time.  Yes, the mile was done to get my heart rate up and burn those cals, but it was also run in frustration…why do I keep resorting back to this kind of mentality when I can see myself getting so much stronger in other areas?  Why does positivity not resonate to every area of my life?

Alas, one last hiccup that was sitting on my shoulders the entire weekend that made it a bit strenuous was that I had a doctors appointment on Monday.  Talk about stress to the maximum.  I’m sure you’ve read previous posts about my weight debacle, troubles with the scale and the rudeness of the nurses, so the appointment was none the less something I wanted to avoid after the weekend I had.

 

I was strong and made the request to not be weighed, having been there a mere 3 months earlier but my request was refuted and I had to step on the scale.  Enter panic attack, that actually raised my blood pressure she took afterwards!  I tried my hardest not to look at it, but it was just there, staring me in the face.  Not to mention the nurses always say it out loud.

Of course you can imagine my relief that after taking an entire month off to not weigh myself (which required getting rid of my scale) that the number was the same.  How could it be after the weekend I had, filled with so much salt I could have made an ocean for another planet?  Well, I guess it wasn’t that bad…now was it?

After having experiences like this, I had to sit back and give myself a pep talk, that see, there was nothing negative that happened and I had nothing to worry about.  I spent the weekend with that weight on my shoulders that simply didn’t need to be there.  It’s getting better every time I’m pushed to do these sorts of things, but I can’t wait until the day when it simply doesn’t exist anymore.  When that day will ever come, I will never know, or if it simply will.  But a girl can wish and strive towards that, right?  ]]