Meltdown

[[ Side Note: Meltdown

If you follow me on Twitter you’ll see that I had a very rough afternoon:

Oh yes, it was not fun times.  It’s been a hard week, knowing that within the next two I will be driving over 3,000 mile, moving to and from new places, starting a new job, meeting lots of new people to work with and become friends with, adjusting to new climates/temperatures…the list could go on.  And then there is leaving the life I have made here in Florida behind that also adds to the emotional turmoil of the entire process that is occurring. 

I’m of course sad in some aspects, leaving my current job and coworkers/friends, all my blogging buddies, the beaches and so much more…but then there is the excitement of returning back home, seeing all my old friends and family and the environments like the mountains, desert and the ocean all within a three hour span of each other.

And all of this = MELTDOWN.  Meltdown in what sense?  I became an emotional mess which therefore led to bad thoughts about the food I was eating, the exercise I wasn’t getting in, the sitting I was doing for so many hours, the eating that I completely thought I was overdoing all the time, and the idea that I needed something to control as I was losing it in every other department of my life.

But thank god for this awesome and seriously one of the best women on this planet, whom I talked about what had been bothering me instead of keeping it all in, sifted through some of my thoughts and worries going on in my mind…and left with a bigger heart and more love for myself and her than I would have imagined at this time.  If I had not been able to talk to her about what had been going on in my head…I don’t know how the rest of this weekend would have gone…or my travels home.  I’m pretty sure I would have been a disaster.

But not only did I have the love and support of her, but over a dozen bloggers who sent me a Tweet or a message about how to fight the fight I thought I was losing, that I was better than it, that I could and would conquer the demon in my head, that I was beautiful and strong and would be able to beat my ED again and make it weaker to eventually disappear.

Thank you everyone who sent me courageous words this afternoon.  It was a tough one but with your help we can see how you helped me triumph: I’m now going out with my friends to watch a live band down the road…and tomorrow getting up to go on a motorcycle ride for the first time in my life. 

Life, right now, is awesome.  I have friends who love me, a life that leads me on adventures I never thought I would take…and of course food that I love to eat.

Thank you again. ]]

~~

A quick post about food as I need to get out the door!

I went out for my last day out in the field today and that of course means I was up way before the sun and definitely groggy to boot.  I needed a filling and sustaining meal for the morning so I went with my staple apple and pb oats of course.

The nest checks went great and I saw BABIES!!!  I wish I had some pictures, I think my roomie got some, so I’ll give you those within the next few days when I get a chance.

We finished and I immediately snacked on a pear and a lovely piece of that berry and vegan chocolate chip bread.

Of course by the time we got back and were driving back home I was famished again: time for lunch!  I brought along a pb and almond butter sandwich on the last of my sourdough with another apple.  As you can tell I’m running out of food.

If all that weren’t enough I was still hungry, and dug into my emergency stash of bars in my backpack and picked the one most packed with protein to hopefully help keep me full:

That helped…but I wanted chocolate; go figure.  So I dug into the last of my chocolate TJ’s pretzels…and that’s what led to the meltdown.  Oiy.

And with the suggestion of a blogger, I wrote this on the side of my desk, directly next to my bed so it’s the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.

You should make one too.

I made a quick dinner to help settle my tummy and it was pretty tasty to say the least with my lacking creativity: Gardien Chicken with extra rosemary and tomato slices.

Sauteed it all up…went very well together!  And of course some fruit on the side: MANGO!

So freak’n juicy.

Ok, I have to run now to get to the concert at the bar down the street!

GOOD NIGHT~! 

I Believe…

[[Side Note: I Believe…

…that one day I won’t automatically think of a banana as 110 calories.

…that measuring cups and spoons won’t be essential when I make meals.

…that I won’t schedule out my food based on what I had the day before, earlier that day, or in the future.

…that I’ll enjoy a meal for it’s contents and the love put into it from friends and family.

…that I’ll be able to look in the mirror and love what I see; every inch of it.

…that exercise won’t be to burn off calories.

…that I’ll be comfortable in my own skin.

…that I won’t be afraid to buy a baked good at a bakery spontaneously.

…that I’ll find the courage to step out of my comfort zone.

…that alcohol won’t always be considered “empty calories’ and never consumed when I might be able to enjoy it with the company I’m in.

…that negative and fat talk will be eliminated from my vocabulary.

…that I won’t always be worried about a food that isn’t on my “safe list” or outside of my routine.

…that every morning will start with a smile.

…that food will no longer be my enemy and only my friend.

…I believe one day I’ll be able to say all of these words with complete confidence.

What do you BELIEVE? ]]

~~

It was a fun day out in the field day, and full of some awesome eats.

I might have started off my day with some chocolate:

(FYI: it’s a bread and not a brownie/blondie…so I didn’t start off with dessert for my day…hehe)

Of course I paired it with some more healthy stuff, gosh…

And then had some snacks throughout the morning… 

while staring out this small window for almost 8 hours today…

While fearing for my life as gators bellowed around me I scarfed down a vegetable and cheese sandwich…

And a kiwi with the skin.  Yes, I eat and enjoy the skin.  Extra fibre; nom nom.

And then completely geeked out when we caught a juvenile Wood Stork! (this is actually #2, I missed taking pics of the first one)

How cool is this bird!  It looks almost prehistoric!  Like a terradactyl!
 

You can bet he/she was pissed.  Who wouldn’t be if something 5x’s your size was man handling you?

But I couldn’t not hold her/him…ahhhh…WOOD STORK LOVE! 

 

And to celebrate?  I gave into peer pressure and living up life with things like Nutter Butter Cookies…

And I totally ate two. 

They were delicious…since I haven’t had them in years.

I was famished by the time we disassembled everything, lugged it and packed it all back up to bring home.

I was supposed to run, but hunger definitely vetoed the former.  I made up some scrambled eggs, and they were absolutely mouth watering. 

Why do you ask?  Because I added DRIED ROSEMARY. 

BEST IDEA EVER. 

YOU MUST TRY IT!

I actually sautéed up some onions with garlic, then added in some cauliflower and broccoli and at the end two well beaten eggs (helps with the fluffiness I love!)  I topped it off with lots of fresh and locally grown tomatoes and an ear of local FL grown corn…

DIVINE.

And a Chilean mango, just to make sure I was eating international.  Haha…ok, that wasn’t really funny.

And now I’m snacking on chocolate pretzels (because obviously I totally need them sitting around in a blind all day; whatever) and still need to shower after the field work today.

I know, gross.  Tomorrow will be worse.

But it’s also my last day of work.

!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll Be Comin…

Across the United States soon! Can I even express to you how excited I am!?  It’s going to be a crazy few weeks in my world asap!

But the people I’m going to see should be excited because I have goodies I’m going to bring them…

Uh huh, you got that right.  Get ready for some yumminess.

It was an early morning heading out to the field to catch some Wood Storks!  I can’t eat super early like everyone else or I’m just messed up the whole day, so I packed up my yogurt mess to eat a bit later…but I ended up driving and somehow almost two hours went by before I could eat!  I didn’t want to dig into the yogurt because we were still driving (I switched out) so I grabbed my lunch to have instead: AB and Banana Sandwich!

We spent the day out in the marsh in blinds and it was so freak’n hot…I was sweating through all my clothes!  I know, just the visual you wanted to have.

Sure was pretty out there though…and then I took a picture of myself in it to ruin the scenery… ;)

While we were out there I snacked on some grapes, a Cookie Dough Luna Protein Bar (which btw I’ve had before and didn’t like much, but everyone seems to love it so I gave it another try and it was AWESOME!!!), my yogurt mess (Greek yogurt, pear, strawberries and some PB) and a small apple.

I was famished by the time we got home so I had THE LAST TJ’s Apple Muffin…So sad they’re gone, and totally buying more mix when I’m going home next week!

 

I also might have had a small handful of candy coated TJ’s Sunflower Seeds.  Tasty.

Then I headed out for a run after doing 15 pushups (trying to build up the number!) and added in some speed-work to the 6 mile total run! 

I ran the first 2.8 in 24 minutes and then decided to run a fast mile to see where I might stand…Not as good as I would have hoped, but I clocked in at 7.45.  I was hoping for under 7.30, but I was also pretty tired, under the weather, and going against a very strong wind.  I think I’m just looking for excuses though. LOL.

I wanted to run a 1/2 then 1/4 on the way home at the same speed (or faster) but I got through half the 1/2 mile and knew it wasn’t going to happen…so I just jogged the rest of it all the way home. 

That felt MUCH better.

I was super excited for dinner as I knew it was going to be filled with lots of veggies! Can you tell?

This monster Open Faced Vegetable Sandwich included:

• 1 portabella mushroom
• 1/3 bell pepper
• 2 thick slices of onion
• spinach leaves
• diced tomatoes
• leftover butternut squash
• a piece of sourdough bread

And of course I had to taste test my baked goods for my friends…

Holy hot damn!  This is the best version yet!!!  Might be a post of the recipe soon…do you want it?

Ok, I’m off to get some rest, err, SLEEP!  I got woken up at 3am to stupid people out on the golf course, and barely got back to sleep before having to wake up at 5.30am.  Ugg.

RIP Digi…

My original digital camera finally bit the dust today…what a sad, sad day.  Ok, really it’s not that bad, as I use my old one as a field camera so I don’t have to worry about my new and better one getting damaged…but I digress…

You have been through so much digi and lived such a great life.  I mean, Australia twice, New Zealand, San Diego, Florida (twice), Colorado and Texas.

Here are her last lovely pictures…actually, not so much as they’re pretty or focused.  Joy.

6am breakfast before field work?

• Apple muffin
• 1.5T Naturally More PB
• banana
• strawberries

So unexciting.  Sorry for that.

But I had a gorgeous sunrise!  I wish I had been at the beach to see it!

It was a fish day…and I snacked on some chocolate/pumpkin seed/peanut/cashew/raisin trail mix and an orange.  Quite a bit of trail mix.

But don’t worry, I didn’t eat with the same hand I was handling these critters with…

That would have been gross.

And if airboats weren’t cool enough, um hello, instant toaster!?

That would be my wrap, with cheese that wasn’t melted…until I left it there for about 30 minutes and it melted it to make a great toasty wrap in my bag!!!

Yes, I’m a genius like that.

And had it stuffed with leftover butternut squash from last night, tomato and lettuce…along with the awesome and melty melty cheese…FYI I hate cheese that isn’t melted.  It feels funky…on my tongue.  Texture and me don’t mix.

And the ride home couldn’t have been longer.  So I caffeinated myself up a Mochawalla Odwalla Bar.  Yeah, you got that right: Chocolate and Coffee.  What more could you ask for?!

I was famished by the time we got home…I thought I would be able to last till dinner with an apple for a bit of a snack, and that did me no good.

So what happened at 5.30pm?  Dinner peeps.  I’m a granny, but damnit I was hungry.

 

Obviously there are carrots and hummus…but what was in the sandwich other than lettuce and tomato you can see?

I promise there was protein in there…in a fake form.  Morningstar Chik’n Patty.  Last one.  Only two more pieces of fake stuff in my fridge to use up before I leave…

And then there was work and blogging and these delicious babies (these things must be stuffed with crack, seriously)…before I finally decided to get off my butt and watch NCIS not a shower yet.

And because this post is soooooooooooooo f’ing lame…I’ll leave you with this entertaining list of 25 things I saw on Lisa’s blog today…

• Where would you be able to spend hours and be happy? In the middle of the Everglades or the mountains.
• What’s your favorite kind of doughnut? Hate donuts.
• Do you have any tattoos or piercings? 4 piercings; two in each ear.
• What is your favorite movie? She’s All That, 10 Things I Hate About You
• Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? Mom of course, who else calls me?
• Are you still friends with the people you knew in middle school or high school? yep yep!  I still get together with many of them every time I get home from a job!
• What is the last thing you ate? Too many PB Pretzel Nuggets.
• What did you want to be when you grew up? A Marine Biologist.  I guess I came close...
• Name three things that are close to you: Phone, laptop, GIS book.
• What was your best subject in school? Math and Art History.
• What is your favorite restaurant? Ruta’s!
• Any hidden talents? I play the piano?
• What is your middle name? Nicole.
• What is your favorite website? blogs blogs blogs…and foodgawker or tastespotting.
• How old were you when you had your first kiss? 15.
• Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate of course.
• What is your favorite girl’s name? Emiko, my grandmother’s name.
• Favorite store? uh, Trader Joes. Duh.
• Would you rather be a rock star or a famous athlete? Athlete…in running.
• Favorite food? Nut buttttttters.
• What are you wearing right now? shorts, sports bra, undies, t-shirt.
• What is your favorite animal? Hamster!
• Did you graduate from college? Cum Laude baby!
• What does your last text message say? Nope, think I’m good.
• Do you have any nicknames? Mel, Missy Miss, Missy, Lissa…

Hope you enjoyed that…menagerie of madness.

Awesome. Or not.

I’m off to chat with some of my awesome friends on twitter now…She’s helping make me feel better right now.

Speed Demon

Did you miss my weekend?

Blogger Meetup at Sublime w/ Gena

Awesome Bridge Run

Side Note: Calorie Counting

~~

I think getting a watch was the biggest boost to my running confidence, since I’ve been lacking it as of late!!!

We’ll get to that in a minute…first some grub.

It was a very warm and humid morning and of course, who wants anything on a day like that that isn’t COLD, right?!  Heck yeah…so I had a pumped up smoothie in a bowl…pumped up how?  I added extra nut butter duh.

• 1/2C each frozen raspberries and blueberries
• frozen banana
• 1/2C USAB
• 1/2C Kashi Puffs
• 1T PB
• 1/2T AB

I loved it with the extra nut butter…and it definitely helped keep me full through the morning and into lunch…which was eh…

I put together a vegetable and laughing cow light cheese sandwich on a Bagel Thin and paired it up with two chopped carrots and hummus…

And some of the sweetest strawberries around.  Nom nom.

Most of my day was spent doing data entry since it was POURING RAIN, rolling with THUNDER, and flashing with LIGHTENING!  The madness of it all…we had water piling/puddling up all over our yard and coming in every window we might have had open.

My energy levels dipped mid afternoon so I snacked on a mix of milk chocolate pretzels, dark chocolate edamame and an apple.  At least there was something healthy in there. :P

And then, I went for a run. 

Oh glorious hella speedy run.

I finally broke down this weekend and bought myself a new watch, since the one I lost was well, gone (it’s ok Bobbi! I was probably better off w/o it this whole time!).  Anyhow, I set out today with the idea to run a bit harder than I feel like I normally do, and I suppose did pretty well judging by how I felt during the duration of it.

I planned to run 5.6 miles at a speedy pace and use the last 4 at a slower pace and as a cool down.  I didn’t look at my watch until I hit the halfway point and saw it saw 23.51, in which I automatically decided that I wanted to get a negative split for the second half, and you know I totally did! I ran the second half an entire minute faster and was back home at 46.40! 

I was super stoked and excited I had run as well as I had!  I finished up the last .4 miles and ended up with a final time of 51.30.  I used Cool Runnings Pace Calculator to find out my average pace (for the first part): 8:15!!! For the remainder I had an average pace of 8:25…

I can’t even express how happy I was when I saw this time!  It has been a while since I’ve used a watch to time any of my runs, and really, it’s very very freeing not to have a time or pace lingering over your head when you should really be enjoying the activity and your surroundings; well, unless your training for something…but anyhow, I digress.

Seeing my time has shown me that, in all seriousness the 9.30 pace I thought I was running…was not so much at all!  Not that 9.30 is slow at all…I suppose I’m jealous I don’t run like I did in high school cross country where my average pace used to be just over 7.30 a mile.  I only wish I could get back to that time in running…but I also ran about 40+ miles a week with 2-3 days of speed training…oh to be young again. Hah!

Anyhow…that’s about the most exciting thing to happen today.

Dinner tonight is a combo of food needing to be eaten…so it’s pretty random!  I sautéed up some onion, bell pepper and spaghetti squash, then added in and egg and two whites for some protein.  On the side I had more veggies to boot!  I roasted up a butternut squash that I marinated in a bit of olive oil, garlic, Italian seasonings and crushed red pepper (while I ran) and baked at 375 for about 50 minutes, and boiled up a fresh ear of Florida corn.

There’s organic ketchup back there too…but it looked very unflattering…since it was the end of the bottle.  My boss agreed.

I’m off to get ready for a long field day tomorrow, along with the day after, and after that, and after that, and after that!  It’s going to be a crazy last week here!  Madness how everything starts to pick up now that I’m leaving! 

6 days and counting until home and new job!!!

Lackluster

What is this? Two posts in one day?  Too bad this one isn’t anywhere near as exciting as the first one…

I’m waiting for the drama to start with the new Side Note I did on Breaking Bad Habits II: Log Counts.  Just kidding, I totally don’t want any drama; just to help out at least one person who might need it.

I got the most minimal amount of produce I could at Publix with only a week left here in FL and came home to nap…of course.  And eat like, two cups of grapes.  Damn they were tasty, and nice and cool since it’s in the 90’s and miserably humid.  Yuck.

I tried my hardest to convince myself into a run, but that didn’t happen…and then I realized I hadn’t done any strength training for a while, so there ya go!  Besides, I’m honoring my New Years Resolutions (yeah, remember those?!) of doing ST sessions two times a week. 

There ya have it, an hour of ST down and sweaty in my room with my SELF cards.  I need to get more of those…I like looking at cards to mix up instead of following videos…means I can watch TV too!

I was weak in the knees by the time I finished, so I quickly showered and got myself some food!  Because it’s hotter than the dickens you know I wanted something without any heat for dinner.  What better than veggies and hummus mixed together, paired with a bagel thin and a crispy fuji apple?

I totally wanted some Japanese curry for some reason, but that stuff cannot be consumed when it’s more than 70 degrees outside.  It’s not meant for warm or hot days…especially when my body revolts and swells like it does.  Yuck.

And finishing off the night with hulu, some chocolate sunflower seeds…and packing.  Agg…I can’t believe I only have a week left…which reminds me, plans have changed as my friends restaurant is no longer opening on the first and instead on the sixth, which I obviously won’t be here for.  Makes me so sad…I totally wanted to attend a soft opening for a restaurant. [[Major sad face]]

Breaking Habits: My Log Count

[[ Side Note: Breaking Bad Habits

First off, thank you to everyone who was extremely supportive with the drama that ensued after my last Side Note about boys.  I appreciated each and every comment and email I received and it has helped me keep an uplifted spirit to continue doing my Side Note feature for the blog.

So what is this one about?  Most certainly something I still struggle with, just like the post I did about Mirror/Body Checks a bit ago (which btw, how is everyone doing with that?!  I know that I have gone 6 straight days without checking the mirror first thing when I wake up in the morning and maybe a total of 4 times in the past week when I’ve been at home!  Yippee! )

This struggle is something that comes and goes with time, sometimes for an extended period of time, or a short bit…but it always seems to come back and haunt me.  And it’s something I try insanely hard to hide from everyone I know:

CALORIE COUNTING

I feel like this is and will be one of the hardest things I’m going to be able to completely drop from my life.  When I am able to get away from it for a while it’s because I become so busy that I don’t have the time or patience to track every morsel of food that goes into my mouth and body.  But when I’m left with too much time, too much change or stress/anxiety, it comes back with a vengeance. 

And this is where I hide my guilt:

In an excel file dubbed “Log Counts” on my desktop.  I’ve deleted it as a shortcut several times over the past few months, but all I do instead is go to my most recently viewed items and open it there.  Boo.

This document has been through quite a journey, because it actually started all the way back in the Spring of 2007 in my senior year of college.  But it was created not with the intention of watching my calories to make sure I wasn’t going to go over, but to make sure that I wasn’t going under, as I was training for the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon at the time.  So yes, there were good intentions for it in the very beginning.

Alas, over the years it has been morphed into a vessel of torture for my brain and body. I could be away from it all day and not give it a second thought (say for a day that I spend entirely in the field) but as soon as I turn on my computer and start writing a post, reading blogs, checking emails…the thought of it is always lingering in the back of my head…how many calories have I consumed today?

Granted, I always have a rough number in my head because truthfully, I know the calorie count for just about anything, so it’s hard for me to not look at something and know the number.  But this usually solidifies things in my head about how many calories I’ve really taken in.  And you can see how detailed it is too, down to food groups, which meal or snack it was, and the amount of exercise I got that day.

There are actually columns further over that ask questions like:

• How was this meal?
• How did it make you feel?
• How did you feel before and after you ate it?
• What tasted good?
• What made you full?
• What didn’t?

As you can see, it was not only an outlet to track calories, but also to track the emotions I was having at the time of eating as I also struggle a lot with emotional eating. I don’t really use these questions much now a days but I do thankfully find myself asking them when I am eating to make sure I’m doing it for the correct reason (ie I’m hungry, and not bored or thirsty).

Where am I going with this? Obviously I’m still struggling and this is one of the big things I’m trying to move away from.  I like the days where I don’t track everything I eat on this damned file, or where I don’t whip out my phone to manually calculate the number of calories I’ve consumed now that I’ve say, eaten lunch.

It’s a whirlwind of a cycle I’ve been through with this thing, but with this blog and it’s turn towards a bigger focus on my recovery, I’ve become more and more determined to kick it to the curb.  All it does is cause more stress and anxiety in my life that I might already be having, and I surely don’t want that.

If you’ve had struggles with counting calories and then nixing the habit, how did you do it?  I know and have heard that it can take a long time to finally release yourself from the cycle, but I’m motivated to get this bad habit to move out of my life. ]]

~~

It’s been an odd morning for my belly today, because seriously, it does not want to be satisfied at all!  I believe it’s the heat…HOT WEATHER = RAVENOUS BELLY for me!

I wanted something different for breakfast and decided on some oatmeal pancakes ala Kath’s true and trusted recipe…that I of course tweeked.

• 1/3C instant oats
• 1/2tsp baking powder
• 1 egg white
• splash of USAB
• cinnamon

I topped it off with a smashed banana mixed with a tablespoon of Sunbutter and more cinnamon and the last of my fresh strawberries.  Everything tasted great!  I think my pancakes need some vanilla next time though!

I spent the morning catching up on much needed blog reading (as my reader has skyrocketed over the past few days I wasn’t able to check reader with my computer messed up) and really wanted some iced coffee. 

What, Melissa drink coffee voluntarily?! 

Yes, why yes I did.  I mixed together:

• 2C mild coffee
• 1T Ovaltine
• 1 packet of Sun Crystals (a type of sugar)
• splash of USAB
• several ice cubes

And paired it up with a small bowl of Kashi H2H for some carb love’n. 

That didn’t last me very long at all…but most certainly left me wired.  I tried my hardest not to go back into the kitchen and guzzled water like no other but I still had a horrendous empty feeling in my belly.  Enter a super early lunch for me!

It’s seriously hot and miserably humid here so I wanted something cool to eat: Yogurt Mess!

• last of my Greek Yogurt
• two handfuls of Kashi Puffs
• pear
• tablespoon each of TJ’s PB and Crofters Spread

Now I’m off to Publix to do a little bit of grocery shopping and be in an air conditioned place! I feel like I’m melting!

And grabbing an apple spice muffin to nosh on as I drive.  I’m hungry, AGAIN.