[[Side Notes: Internal War
Lately it seems like I am doing so much better. I’ve finally been able to realize all the good things going on in my life and being more realistic about myself. I’ve found a guy that likes me for all that I am and what I do/love and continue to pursue the job that I want/love to do.
But as much as I smile, as much as I laugh, as much as I say, “I’m doing great!” on the inside I feel like I’m breaking. There is something inside there that isn’t healed over quite yet and still spilling out the blood, the negativity, the emotional crisis waiting to unfold.
I currently cannot find a band aid big enough to cover it and stop the outpour. I’m running around trying to stop it from overflowing and creating so much turmoil that I’ll trip, fall and lay their broken.
I take solace in the love of the people around me. I stare into the sky and admire the sun, the clouds, the birds, the breeze in my face. I squeeze my cat with her unconditional love and support, who always listens, even when my talking only comes in the form of tears. I run to run away from the fear, anger and anguish. I try everything to keep from falling apart.
Currently my mind is falling apart, but it’s also still holding together. It just doesn’t know which way to turn, how to take in the support I have around me or the things I am trying to accomplish. It’s mixed up in it’s need for…something. Am I lonely? I’m always lonely, but then again not. Am I sad? Over what? I’ve got everything I need in my life, right? Am I unhappy? Not that I’d like to acknowledge…
It’s the moments the past week that have been getting to me the most and leading to the downward spiral of struggle. I start off the day listening to my body and eating what I need to stay energized and feel good, but then something at some point snaps and I’m left digging my hand into my trail mix, and within moments I’m staring at myself wondering, “What the hell is wrong with you? This is not going to turn your health around for the better?”
It breaks my heart when I reach moments like this and feel sick to my stomach…because I’ve been working so hard to not be like this anymore. I keep telling myself it takes time, you learn from your lessons and so on, but if I were learning, why has it not decreased or stopped yet? I thought that was the point of learning something, to get better at it and be a better person with it!?
I can’t help but ask, “What am I doing wrong? Why is this not working? What in my brain is loose that can’t grasp these concepts?” So utterly frustrating and debilitating to my head.
This post, this frustration has been building up in me for over week when really I should have given it a chance to show it’s face so I could confront it. There is no wrong in admitting how I feel, but there is a horrendous amount of guilt that comes with admitting that you’re still doing something wrong and can’t stop. It’s the exact opposite when I was suffering from anorexia and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get myself to eat…but now it’s why I can’t get myself to stop/not eat.
I’ve read all of Geneen Roth’s books and for a time I was doing great…maybe I need to reread them because the concepts it explores has evaporated from my head. Or maybe I need to read a few new books and see how they help me along, exploring other parts that Roth may not have passed in her books.
It’s a case of snowball effect for me right now and I need to stop rolling. I think the first step is to admit you want to get better and stop rolling. So that’s what I’m doing right here: I WANT TO STOP ROLLING.
What books have you read on intuitive eating or ED that has helped you, if you’ve needed it? I’ve read a bunch of them but it has been years, so I’m up for all suggestions! ]]
Oh how boring I was this weekend, well, other than my date with my cute boy last night!
Whit’s currently training for his first half marathon, that will lead to the same full I’m doing in June, so this weekend he was due for a 7 mile long run that I told him I’d run with him. Of course he was crazy enough to run that long after surfing really early in the morning and then driving over two hours to get back to town! That boy’s got stamina if you ask me! I wish I had it! Haha!
(Source)
Alas, we headed out to the river trail and accomplished a sweet 7 miler, me paying more attention to the birds on the river than the twigs flying up and cutting my legs all over the place. Oops. Priorities people, priorities. Because he’s a speedy guy and I was trying to keep up with him, we ran the 7.06 miles in 1:05, which is about a 9:12 pace; I never run that fast when I’m doing long runs! Haha! I’m gonna have to work on going my own pace or I’m gonna get hurt, so next time I’ll be more careful.
Anyhow, you can bet that as soon as we were cleaned up he was starving! I’ve always noticed that when someone just starts off running they get a bit more hungry faster than those that have been running for a while…cause I certainly wasn’t that hungry…but I also didn’t surf that morning! He loves it though, can’t take the surf out of the inland boy!
We sped off shortly after to our favorite Japanese restaurant that serves tasty and cheap sushi: I Love Sushi!
I order the same thing every time because it’s all I can really get there, but you can bet that Whit ordered his heart out and ate it all…runners belly. :)
We started off with their complimentary edamame but it wasn’t enough and we wanted more protein, so we ordered an extra bowl to keep us going until our real meal came along.
I ordered the Seaweed Salad which I love…
Along with my usual Vegetable Roll and Cucumber Roll. I wish there were Japanese restaurants that would venture out on their veggie options.
I’ll give you an idea of Whit ate too, because his are so much more appetizing looking than mine!
That’s along with edamame and the dessert:
How cute is that? Hehe…
We spent the night watching stand up comedy on tv and snacking on popcorn from TJ’s because we’re too lazy to pop our own (ok, in my own defense, I can’t pop mine at home because the power on my microwave is not great enough and just burns the bag; I’ve tried).
This morning I had to travel back home and by the time I got there it was hours past my usual breakfast time so I was starving! I know I could eat cereal in a heartbeat but wanted something to hold me over for a while so I had my oats. I swear I tried to add some variety to them but nothing came to mind. Creature of habit…I wish my oats looked as interesting as the ones that Meghann made this morning!
I didn’t do much the rest of the day since I didn’t have to be out in the field so I got an oil change for the car and snacked on a few handfuls of pb pretzel nuggets. I think I might have had a few too many because after that I felt sick and didn’t eat for almost 8 hours! Yowzers!
I finally had a little something for dinner in the form of the soup I made over the weekend…I can’t let all those good veggies go to waste! Sorry you get a recycled picture, tonight's was just as boring looking, minus the eggs.
And now, some me time…cause ya know, I haven’t had enough of it all day. (shrug)
Happy Monday…
30 comments:
Sorry things are rough on the inside right now. I know how it feels.
I really liked "The Rules of Normal Eating". Don't remember the author off the top my head, but you could find it easy, I am sure. "Intuitive Eating" was a good one, too, but I thought the other book was more straight forward.
Sorry girl, wish I had a book recommendation for you. stick with it though--things will get better!
You should pop popcorn on the stove--its the BEST that way!!
Oh girl, my heart goes out to you. Sending you a BIG hug. And I know how you feel. On the outside, i'm good. My life is great. I have an awesome boyfriend, job, friends, family, school, dreams,... yet deep deep down, i'm not HAPPY. There's something always nagging... always bringing me down. And I use eating as a way of slapping a bandaid on it. I have my moments where I'm eating healthyfully and mindfully and feeling great about myself. And then I start binging and eating when I'm not hungry and so I feel bad about myself, which is just a downward spiral. We have issues. But it's ok. Because I know that there's a way out and we both have a crazy support system in place with loved ones.. just hang in there and keep facing your thoughts. You're going to win this.
Love you.
Something I've learned the hard way is that even when you're "recovered" it's so easy for ED symptoms, even if they're ones you didn't have before, to reappear. It truly sucks. But I've been thinking a lot about intuitive eating lately too. Charlotte just did a post about sitting down to eat anything so I've been trying that. It really does help me commit to eating things as opposed to mindlessly snacking. But it's still hard.
I'm glad you opened up about this, hopefully it reaches out to someone who is going through the same things.
I had a similar problem with restrictive eating for years, and then switching to binge eating. After 2 years of a binge/restrict pattern I finally decided I had to start eating normal meals and consuming a recommended amount of calories from those meals. I initially did gain weight, but about 7-8 months later it was like my metabolism finally switched back to normal. I lost all that I had gained without even trying. I am happier and more confident in myself then ever before, and it was so worth the process.
It is hard not to go back to old habits when something triggers you, but when you've come this far with your progress, how can you just corrupt it? Keep working on it, I promise someday you will be able to control your emotions and your habits, and you WILL be happy with who you are.
I don't think you need a book I think you might need to talk with someone again. If you've read the books - especially Roth - then you know what to do. It sounds like you're not in a good place to actually live it though. I know it's a super rough road. All your readers can leave comments and let you know that you're thin and beautiful, but you don't see it for some reason. How about focusing on other things and reading a non-ED related book, enjoying life and eating without guilty or worry? At least for a week or two? Like drive far away, open up your car door and say "Get out Ed. We need some time apart." Then, drive home without him :)
Thank you for being so true and honest in your post! I feel like we are on teh same page. I have been going through the same stuff too lately!
A book that has helped me was " Loving Your Body" by Dr. Deborah Newman!
On a brighter note; your sushi looks sooooooo delicious!
Girl email me if you need anything okay :)
<3 I hope you can find some peace this week. Sending you warm wishes.
hi girl!
i read your blog a lot and I am a college student suffering/recovering from an eating disorder as well. I know that feeling of being able to tell everyone I'm great, I'm great but knowing that at any moment the outside will crack just like the inside is. Luckily I have what I call my Bible. My best friend went through the same thing as me and recommended this book to me. It's called LIFE WITHOUT ED. I have gotten my mom, boyfriend, roommates, in-laws, and brothers to read it because it literally makes everyone, including yourself, understand the monster ED is and how to deal with him. I don't normally binge eat (well i binge on what I think is alot like a couple servings of pretzels and then go for a two mile run) but the book does cover a lot of binge eating so maybe it will help you. I know this book saves my life and every time I am struggling, I just start reading it. Even halfway through a chapter. It gets me through my life. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give this book a try. I promise it will change your perspective on how you view ED.
Sometimes, I find myself eating 1/4 a bag of TJ's trailmix or even worse 1/2 the bag in a blink of an eye. Usually I'm pretty good about sticking to a serving, but it takes an abnormal amount of will power and strict self-talking to prevent myself from sneaking in those extra helpings.
I'm trying to teach myself. I hate feeling like I ate too much even though I KNOW logically that I only ate 500 calories (for example), but I eat often and sometimes it seems as if that's all I do.
Sometimes all I want is to deprive myself because I'm always hungry anyways! I feel like I have a bottomless stomach.
It's always a war inside of me.
Hopefully, us commenters opening up as well, will help you feel less negative. We're here too, we're struggling too!
Hey,
First of all I want to say that I admire your honesty and your determination to meet the issues head on.
I am also dealing with many issues in terms of eating and I am trying to find the balance between life, exercise, friends, eating, food, and doing what is best for me and my body.
I tried to read books on intuitive eating, but I have come to the realization that -for me- intuitive eating and what that really means is different for everybody.
I think whats most helpful is to stay mindful and accept the beautiful, strong, and powerful woman that you are. When I feel down on myself I always try to focus on how strong I feel and how I am thankful that I can walk and be present and attempt to make someone else's day better.
That is what is most important in life . . . realizing your true importance to those that love you, acknowledging your power and ability to change the world and the environment for generations to come, and forgiving yourself.
Thanks so much for your inspiration. I also would like to help the environment and I plan on becoming an ecologist/ marine biologist when I graduate.
continue being fabulous!
This hit so close to home. I battled anorexia for a long time and now can't stop eating at times. I want to be able to eat normal meals but it seems like such an overwhelming task to master!
Your honesty and openness is amazing. Thank you :)
I can relate to every single thing that you are feeling right now. On the outside, everything is fine. I'm eating well, I'm not overdoing the exercise and I'm living my life as best I can. But there is still that war in my head that just won't die down. I'm always getting thoughts telling me not to eat this, to swap this with that, to take the longer route on my walking path and it's mentally exhausting. Yes, I laugh, I smile, my hair is no longer falling out and I LOVE my food. But I don't understand why these thoughts won't just go away.
The only way that they will is to start tackling the underlying issues. It's not the eating that is the problem, it's why we are using how and what we eat as a way of coping with our feelings.
When I first started seeing my counsellor I didn't realise that I had underlying issues. It wasn't until she started suggesting possible reasons for my issues that I finally realised that I really have had a tougher life than I thought. Life isn't easy, and most people use healthier ways to cope like going for a walk, talking to someone or simply writing in a diary...but we turned to our bodies and we gained control of our lives by controlling the way we looked and by using (or not using) food.
I don't really have any answers as I'm still trying to find them myself, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm going through the same thing at the moment. But if you really try to get into the deep, dark and hurtful memories that you have, maybe you can figure out why you need to use food as a means of comfort. It is often times painful to recall past memories, but it will be incredibly worth it if you want to live a life free from the grips of any kind of eating disorder :)
Thanks again, Melissa!
xxx
Oh, and this book [http://www.amazon.com/Intuitive-Eating-Revolutionary-Program-Works/dp/0312321236]is really good in describing how to eat intuitively. It's written in a very simple way but I have found it worthwhile in my efforts to become an intuitive eater :)
I know exactly where you are sitting right now. I'm sitting in the exact same place. We can get through it.
Some books that have helped me are Jenni Schaefer's "Life Without Ed" and "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me." No one has ever understood me so clearly as the author did in these books. It reminded me that there are other people out there that know what I'm going through and that I am not alone, no matter how lonely I feel.
You can totally beat this war.
oh my love. I know how you feel. I had a bout with NOT eating back in high school. Now I'm the binge eater. I hate eating and eating then HATING myself after. It's so sickening. Even as I type i can't help but think of the love handles that are sticking out...I hate this feeling of disgust with ourselves....and we need to stop. I try to remember that we have people who love us and want the best for us...and we deserve to not HATE ourselves. Look how fast you can run!! You need to treat yourself and your body with love to get through those races...I still haven't read Geneen's book cause I'm scared!! love ya melissa!
I used Feeling Good by David Burns. It's not about eating specifically, but the suggestions he makes about journalling were what turned my ED around. When I was having that anxious about-to-explore and hate myself feeling (which I usually coped with by binging), I started doing the journalling technique and it really helped.
*big hug from NH*
I don't have any eating related books for you, but I have an author to recommend whose writings I think you might get a lot out of. Pema Chodran is a Buddhist nun who has written a lot about finding your true self, ways to slowly take charge of thoughts in your head, how to stay true in hard times, etc... 'Things Fall Apart' is one that I particularly enjoyed. I also enjoyed listening to them on tape because she has an excellent speaking voice, and I was able to let the words sink in more.
And, even if it doesn't feel like it, being able to give voice to these words and feelings is definite progress. Remember that...you're able to speak to others, be honest with yourself and others, and that is such a huge leap from where you were when this journey began for you.
Pav and I send our love and purrs from the cold, wintry NH mountains.
Wow, this is such a powerfully honest post and brings up so many emotions and feelings I had from my ED days. Healing is a huge process that takes time and I'm so sorry things are still rough. But it sounds like you're making great progress.
For me, a high raw diet helped kick out a lot of my hangups left over from my ED, it helped me to view food simply as nourishment and rediscover my appetite while giving me confidence in eating good foods in the quantity needed to satisfy. Maybe consider a raw detox book like Natalia Rose's:
http://www.amazon.com/Raw-Food-Detox-Diet-Five-Step/dp/0060834374/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1295981847&sr=8-2
Not because I'm recommending a vegan diet, but because it helped me to view food in a different light and reconnect with my body's needs through whole foods.
Sending you love and light. Have you read Geneen Roth's newest book, Women Food & God? It really spoke to me. Also, Marianne Williamson, has a new book out which is on my to-read list, A Course in Weight Loss. It is actually about healing the internal stuff, the only way to make lasting positive change. I wish you the best!
::hugs:: I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know how you feel, Love. You have this huge battle to fight, something you've been used to giving into for years, so don't forget those little steps that you've done on a daily that are leaps from what you did before. You are strong, your readers can sense that for sure. Hang in there!
Reading all these comments make me feel better because I'm in this cloudy funk this week too. I am BLESSED with so many great things and amazing people, yet my heart is heavy. I don't feel at my best and I'm reverting back to feelings from college. I was in an abusive relationship that scarred me for life and some days are harder than others, but I'm a different person now, and so are you. You have the support of so many, including your readers. You'll fight through this.
I suffered from severe anorexia for 13 years and afterwards when I was finally doing better, or at least I thought I was recovered/recovering, I headed down the other path. It is actually very common for individuals who have struggled with anorexia to later face overeating/binge eating disorder/bulimia. I know how it feels to not understand how you can go from starving yourself to not being able to stop eating--but realize that both are not that different: you are using food (either in absence or excess) to cope with emotions and constantly obsessing over it. A great book for learning to eat intuitively is Intuive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and and Elyse Resch. Even more amazing for people specifically dealing with transitioning from eating disorders to intuitive eating is http://throughthickandthin.myfreeforum.org/. If you have any questions or I can help in any way, let me know. You're not alone :)
Melissa,
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I know exactly how you're feeling - some days we are so up beat and thrilled with out progress, and other days we are just overly emotional and sad, crying for no reason when everything we have is so great. It's time liek these that my mom tells me I need to go back on antidepressants, but I can't justify that when other times things are so great!
In that post I wrote about balance, the quote about it being normal to constantly move through stages of balance and imbalance helped me a lot. It made me realize I'm going to have good times and bad times, and the best I can do is try to make sure the good times are the best.
I find I need to occupy myself to stop from ruining my day - a good TV show, reading at B&N, or getting my nails done. Just something to take my mind off of the food.
Hope you are feeling better!
sending you lots of love and as much strength as humanly possible. all the best love <3
things will get better! I have been going through somethings similar this past week, and I know the guilt, the pain, and the shame associated with binge eating. You will get over this, and you just have to take every day at a time. As hard as that can be. You have so much beauty, talent, and passion within you. Never forget how that :)
You truly do not know how much I appreciate the honesty you put into your blog. I am struggling as well, and to hear someone else vocalize my own problems so well definitely makes me feel not so alone.
Know that, though it may be difficult, you can get through every rough patch that you encounter.
I have not read intuitive eating books, but one book that I definitely recommend is Unbearable Lightness by Portia DeRossi. Until I read this book, I thought that I would be stuck managing my eating disorder forever, but it showed me that complete recovery is possible.
Best wishes, much love.
I found 'It's not about food' by Carol Emery Normandi and Larelee Roark helpful.Maybe you've already heard opf it? good luck! :)
Gosh I get all this...and I am so sorry for your frustration. I feel the same way. No one believes I compulsively overeat but I DO!
I have read the books too but you know what? Its the DOING that's so hard. I think it is important we applaud ourselves everytime we are able to stop "in the middle" of it. You know what I mean. Pausing and thenm realizing what we are doing.
~Missy
I just found your blog and want to say thank you. You are so honest, so real. I was crying a few hours ago, feeling some of the exact same feelings you were talking about. Keep your head up and know that things will get better. That is what I am telling myself, what I am working towards. Thanks again--Cindy
Have you ever read Hunger Pains (http://www.amazon.com/Hunger-Pains-Modern-Womans-Thinness/dp/0345413938/ref=sr_1_10?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1296165491&sr=1-10)
I thought it was good.
I'm sorry things are rough right now :(
love you
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