[[Side Note: Back At It…
Damned. Damned it. This is what I was afraid of. I knew it was going to happen.
So, last week I got several emails and concerned conversations from friends and family about going vegan, and if it was too restrictive…or if I was using it as a way of restricting food in my current diet.
In the beginning, I used the challenge solely as something new to try, to see if dairy was having an effect on my very upset digestive system and help support the planet/environment. Within a few days of feeling better and seeing how much I was getting out of this diet, I figured it was something I could pursue. But there were hidden intentions in between all these other positive feelings.
I did notice that I wasn’t eating as much, as I was trying my hardest to listen to my body. I didn’t take into account (TMI, sorry) that it’s that time of the month, when my appetite is almost minimal. But as proud I was that I was listening to my body and eating so much cleaner, at the same time I was also slightly proud that I wasn’t eating as much. My immediate reaction was of course, “I’m not eating as much…so maybe I’ll lose some weight. Yes!” Of course, this shouldn’t be the case.
I was proud that I had cut sweets out of my diet and was focusing more on whole foods and cleaner eating. I noticed how little chocolate I was eating and no processed sugar in things like cereal. I figured it was all playing into the better feelings from my body and my mentality. I mean, I spent the entire week not counting or caring about calories AT ALL. But still, underneath it all I was proud I wasn’t eating as much and hopefully slimming down in the process.
But then this week came, after the challenge was over. I decided that I was going to continue trying to eat as vegan as possible, making exceptions at places like restaurants an such. And then, it was like a switch went off in my head, and everything came flooding back. All the bad things; the guilt, the boredom eating, the compulsion to exercise and restrict.
Where did it come from and why did it come back? Along with it were the cravings that I thought I would have during vegan week but didn’t, and chocolate has been my sworn enemy this week. All I want is chocolate, and as I’m trying to give it to myself but in a moderate the amount, I can’t and feel horribly guilty. The pressure is getting to me and something that I want to do for my heath seems to be hurting me mentally in the end.
So what do I do? I don’t feel like going back to eating dairy is going to do me any good as I saw how it made me feel, but then there is this tick that went away and is back..I’m not quite sure what I’m trying to ask, if anything, but just to get it out there and well…not let it swell up and get worse.
Ugg, just when I thought it was getting better, it’s getting bad again… ]]
The weather was relentless today! It looked like it was threatening to rain, yet wouldn’t, and couldn’t make up it’s mind about the direction of wind or temperature either! Goodness Mother Nature, is something bothering you!?
I was quite surprised at how well that soy yogurt held me over, but it might have been the addition of the peanut flour for added protein that did the trick. Fullness for me comes in the form of protein, so we’ll see next time for when I might try one without the flour.
I ended up bringing tofu stir fry leftovers for lunch topped on some spinach and spring mix with cucumber and tomatoes. This sucker needed dressing as it seems like the flavors I had last night faded as it sat…sadness. But as least the crackers were tasty!
My mom gave me a bag of these seedy crackers (I forgot who actually makes them…sorry) last weekend and man are they good! They have all sorts of seeds and grains in them; I mean, if you look close enough, you can SEE the QUINOA!
And actually this isn’t the first time I’ve had them as I ate them in AZ last month while visiting Jenn and running the Phoenix Half Marathon!
As per usual, I ended the meal on a bit of a sweet note with a chunk of Blackberry and Chocolate Chip Bread…it’s in it’s last days so I’m trying hard to eat it up fast!
It was a long and draining day out in the field today (even if I did just sit there; watching nothing can get hard on the brain) and was a bit hungry when I got home. As I finished up work I had an orange with some cashews and extra crackers, but stress got the best of me and I busted into too many of these thereafter…
Therein lies the emotions of my Side Note…
And we’ll see where the rest of the night takes me. I’m not hungry so I don’t know if they’ll be a real dinner in the future, but at least something small will make it’s way around…hopefully. Otherwise, bring on the rain and snow and cuddle time with Honey…we need each other for the warmth.
29 comments:
Hey girlie -
That's the tough part about being in recovery...the emotions and behaviors come back so quickly. I still feel guilty about foods and get excited on days that I'm not super hungry. Yet deep down I know what I need to do to be healthy.
The vegan thing is tough. During my experiment with it, I too loved that I wasn't eating sweets and that I felt really clean. But eventually I got a craving, and I know that for me ignoring cravings and denying myself of certain foods isn't a good thing.
If you can find a good balance of being vegan and still eating your chocolate and sweets on occasion, that's perfect! I got the same "worried" messages when I first went vegetarian, but finally my family and friends realized I was still eating enough. You can do the same, if it is what's best for you right now!
Hugs. Seriously hugs.
I can totally understand the thoughts and feelings behind this post. I don't think there's anything wrong with going/staying vegan, but it is still important to get in the necessary nutrients and calories to fuel your activity. :) I know you already know that--you are a smart girl--but we can all use a reminder, right?
Always here if you need to spew the crazy thoughts out.
You are seriously so brave for posting this.
Honestly, I don't know much about being vegan or anything, but just wanted to commend you on your truthfulness with yourself and your honestly <3. Many hearts for you + Honey.
While I'm not even vegetarian, so I haven't much to offer on the subject. I do support people who decide to though. And I think as long as you are feeding yourself properly and not restricting things that you need to be healthy, then there's nothing wrong with it.
Although at the same time, I know that someone with the history of an eating disorder would be much more likely to have it negatively effect them as to wanting to loose weight and have thoughts about restricting. It's like any kind of addiction. Maybe once you did notice that when you first started going vegan, you lost weight, and therefore you did start to get that "addicting" feeling. But keep up your weight and your health, and you should be fine mentaly as well.
I really don't know though. It's all a trial and error kind of thing. Do what you know is best!
<3 Tori
Hey, I'm vegan and in recovery and if you stuck with it youd quickly discover (via a whole foods or trader joes) the plethora of vegan sweets out there to keep you "balanced" i suppose. Either that or be "mostly vegan" like my boss is - he's vegan 95% of the time and it seems the smartest way to do it.
Maybe if dairy upsets you, you could steal eat things like eggs and chocolate?
I am not a vegetarian or a vegan, but I do know about recovery and to me it sounds like you are in a little bit of a relapse, but that doesnt mean that you can't pull yourself out of it.
In my personal opinion (which is not really that important) but it sounds like you are putting too many rules back on your food. Whenever I used to try to tell myself I couldnt eat something, I would dream of it and what as much of it as I could get. I think that might be the reason you are craving chocolate. I hope that you are able to make a decision that is best for you. Could you choose to still enjoy chocolate and just not eat yogurt??
I was also going to add that there is plenty of delicious dairy-free chocolate out there! Most of the good stuff from TJ's is dairy-free. You CAN have it all!
Can I just say that I love dark chocolate m&m's? They are my fave! I'm not a vegan mostly because for me, it would be too restrictive for me and my tastes.
My old therapist explained it to me by saying that any sort of restrictive eating plan, even if it's for non-ED reasons initially, is something I have to be really careful of. It's just inherently triggering. Our brains respond to it differently than people who haven't dealt with EDs. For example, I'll never again be able to fast for religious reasons. It's just something I've had to come to terms with.
Does dairy in cooked things bother you? If not that's a way to compromise. Keep yogurt and things out for your stomach but don't worry about it in other things.
I was slightly worried when I read about the vegan challenge...I'm sorry that you're feeling the pull to restrict again. That's the tricky thing about recovery...you really have to go all in and shun triggering things like veganism. There is nothing wrong with going vegan, but there is everything wrong for anyone who is still struggling with ED issues. Because vegan, in a way, is too similar to ED: the rules, the sense of moral gratification, the restrictions, the added care to what you eat...
In my opinion, I really do think it's necessary lay off any food rules for the time being, and instead take a step back from any preoccupation with food.
Wishing you all the best, Melissa!
Aw girl, big hugs. When I first tried to go totally vegan, I had a lot of the same feelings...I felt so much better as a person for not eating animal products, because I felt like they were the "bad" foods anyway. Which is so messed up! That's why I think of myself as "mostly" vegan- I don't purchase dairy or eggs or fish for my own home, but I'll eat them when I'm out. The non-vegan components of my diet are usually the most indulgent ones, and i'm okay with that. Talk to your therapist and family and find out what feels best for YOU girl- you're very environmentally concious and intelligent and I know you'll be able to come to the right conclusion :)
It seems like you've been struggling with your recovery more than usual in the past year or so. I don't have much advice to offer because I don't understand your situation. I would avoid doing anything restrictive because it seems like it is too much of a trigger for you. Could you talk to someone about how to incorporate vegan elements safely into your diet without reverting back to old habits?
I'm sorry that you've been struggling. I can relate to the flood of feelings back and it is very difficult to deal with. The desire to slim down and the pride that comes with eating less are persuasive thoughts. But if you're able to distiguish that it's your eating disorder talking that is a big step.
Although I really have wanted to try becoming vegan I have realized that it would be more for ED reasons rather then for the physical benefits. However, that is just for me personally. If you can achieve a good balence of listening to your cravings and mantaining a vegan diet thats great!
Try to listen to what your body needs right now, it is usually right.
Good luck girl, keep fighting, you're so strong(:
Something to think about staying vegan is whether it was simply removing dairy that had such an impact on how you felt. If that's the case, then maybe still keep in things such as eggs, maybe dairy in things like baked goods,and such and think about it more as being dairy-free than vegan. I know elimination diets (which is kind of what you're working with here) can be really hard, and I imagine doubly so when the ED component is thrown in, but it can be a really good way to figure out what specific foods upset your stomach or cause your allergies to kick in.
Please just keep in mind that with the amount of training you're doing right now, your body is at the weight it should be at. I know, easy for me to say, especially as I'm not coming from an ED perspective. But when you're in serious training your weight should hold pretty stable which tells you you're refueling enough to keep yourself healthy and injury-free. Keep putting these thoughts and struggles out there lady...admitting to the struggle is the hardest part.
This is a journey, for sure, with peaks and valleys and successes and challenges. Keep pointed in the direction of health and you will get there!
Ah, Melissa....I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this! Maybe try to look at it as a "bump" in the orad that will even itself out?
struggles never go away! totally my post topic for tomorrow. keep trying to do the right thing. everyone is here to support you!
Katherine
Overcoming any kind of eating issue is tough. I battle weight on the other end of the spectrum. There has been setbacks and more obstacles to overcome, but in the grand scheme of things, I've only improved in the past few years. One day or one week at a time isn't the whole picture. So don't get discouraged or feel guilty, but instead learn from it and push on.
I'm not a vegan but I know there are a lot of healthy vegan foods to keep your calories up and keep you nourished. Fats, avocado, nuts, coconut oil, etc. are excellent. Also, I agree with the vegan chocolate! I buy cacao nibs and raw chocolate bars that are fabulous.
Good luck and hope that you do what makes you happy and as healthy as possible!! :)
Maybe you just weren't eating enough? I tend to crave sweets when I need more protein. There is vegan cocolate or even raw cocoa nibs ( I eat them on dates with pb) that are vegan. The thing about it is, you can eat so much more food when you eat clean... probably much more than you're used to and not gain weight. So I guess I don't know why you're restricting when you're eating clean.
I'm sorry girl,
I know what it's like to have the best of intentions and then have ED take it away from you and make it all about restriction. SUCKS.
About going vegan, you may be able to continue this diet plan so long as you keep up with your calorie intake and make sure you're getting in some denser snacks and food groups!
You're going to be fine. Recovery is not an easy process, and we all have our slips. Recognizing your ED behaviors means that you are all the more likely to conquer them, though! :)
Good luck!
<3 Haley
Aw i'm so sorry you are in this dilemma girlie....As you can see you are NOT alone, and we have all experienced the exact feeling you are having and are here for you.
Personally, thru all my therapy and recovery, I just know myself enough that I can't place restrictions or do any "diets" (not that veganism isn't legit at all!), but just any kind of way of eating that prohibits certain food would be very triggering for me. I hope u can find a good balance, and you obviously know that you have so many people that love and care about u, u are not alone girlie!! xo
I got that a lot from my family too when I went vegan, good times. I definetely ate less when I first went vegan because it was hard to find veg-friendly foods, it was an adjustment, but I eat planty now. For the old feelings returning, try not to worry about them, just step back. slow down and focus on all the prior progress you've made and that you're trying to nourish your body with whole, good foods, not processed foods.
I had some old feelings return when I converted and took a guilty pleasure in eating less, but I also noticed my running and athletic performance suffered considerably if I didn't eat enough and I was setting myself up for crankiness and injuries.
Its such a mental battle, a mind game! But you are strong. Think of all the nutrients your body needs just to function and love it! Figuring out what your body needs and what it can handle is also hard. Trial and error of course. Just keep being positive! Hugs!
by the way, did you ever try Kombucha?
LC
Awww Melissa,
Hugs! I am so sorry you're struggling
I think it's really admirable that you're so honest with yourself and on your blog. You can't expect to be perfect. All you can ask of yourself is to acknowledge these feelings and hope to move on from them.
XOXOXO!
Would you be able (allowed?) to listen to an audio book out in the field? I know you have to have your eyes free, but it could help occupy your mind. I borrow them from the local library and put them on my iPod for listening to on the bus...
I think that is why I didn't do the vegan challenge...cause I know I would be doing it for weight loss. Don't give up on yourself cause of these secret thoughts, as long as YOU realize it then you are being honest with yourself. Every day is a struggle so learn from it but remember to FUEL FOR YOUR RUN.
I run into trouble when I restrict my diet in any way...it opens up a little gate for my anorexia to come in. I had to start eating dairy again...and let that be "OK" and as soon as I did...I found that I naturally just don't want the stuff anymore...just like you are experiencing. It is less "troublesome" when I don't put a label on it for some reason. I would advise you to just not worry about dairy, eggs...etc. Just continue to eat what you feel like eating...
I haven't had an ED, but I have noticed when I've changed my diet from meat eater to vegetarian, then gluten-free, then to vegan, then raw, at first I always am eating a little less because I haven't quite figured out the new diet yet. Then once I figure out how to make muffins that are gluten-free and vegan, I realize I can still get enough. It just takes some time. But the emotions you talk about must be powerful and scary.
There is a great chapter in Becoming Vegan about eating disorders and veganism if you want to do more research ever. I think it's the best I've read on the topic in a book (Gena's blog is great too of course) and one of the authors had an ED at one point.
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