[[Side Note: A Weighty Game
My mind works in strange ways…especially when it comes to my ED. As my ED originated after leaving for college and basically losing control on things, therein lies the trigger for it’s wrath: Control.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there seem to have been more off days than, not. I’m constantly struggling with something and it’s making life very hard. So what’s going on right now? What’s out of control?
I’m currently having some pretty severe skin issues and it’s driving me up the walls. I can’t even describe to you the frustrations I’ve endured the past few months when it comes to this issue. This is where the struggle comes in: I can’t control what is going on, and I’m taking it out on myself, my ED rawring it’s ugly head.
This is how the logic works: I have this skin problem, I’m a healthy person so I don’t believe it should exist. My skin should be better than this. Well, maybe you’re not as good as you think. Maybe you’re not taking care of yourself, failing at feeding yourself the nutrients and etc. your body needs to find this. Therefore, you suck and well, lets find a way to punish you: exercise more and eat less. At least you have complete control of that.
Is that not crazy? The same things went through my head when I left for college and my ED started: I’m moving away to school where I know no one. I’ve been here for a bit and still have no friends. I thought I was a pretty cool/interesting person. I guess not; maybe I’m not fitting in with the type of people that are here (I went to a very small, private school full of $$$ filled girls and boys who were very absorbed in the way they looked…and I’m not saying that to be mean, it’s true)…So I need to lose weight to fit in…time to starve.
This logic is just out of this world when I think about it of course. But it’s still there. Luckily I’ve recognized that this is not right and that there are other ways to cope with these struggles…but it’s hard not to beat myself up when I can’t be…perfect.
Perfectionism is not something I deal with easily. It’s like the mirror checks I constantly deal with…but taking it one day at a time is the way to go. And asking for help. Or simply letting it out for others to read and help support me…
When something goes wrong how do you react? What do you do to make yourself feel better? ]]
She never ceases to amaze me…like how she likes to chew on my special scrapbooking pens that cost me a fortune and then they disappear. Danged cat. And now all my supplies are on the floor, scattered everywhere. Joy.
I am in a funk today. Therefore, my eats took a hit.
Funk = No Appetite. Bear with me.
It was in the teens when I woke up so I had oats, and since I finally finished my cranberry spread I busted open a jar of locally made raspberry jam. Wayyy too sweet. I ended up wiping it off and chucking it. It’ll be better on toast for sure. But not only did my oats have my typical apple, cinnamon and pb but also leftover banana! Totally added to the bulk of the bowl! Must do more often! Apples and bananas!!!
The morning flew by and I followed my belly’s sign when it said it was hungry. So same hummus, marinara, mozzarella, and spinach sandwich with a pear for lunch. Sorry for the receptiveness.
I forgot to take pictures of my snacks which included two of the PB Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies and a Lemon Blueberry Scone.
My legs are killing me from yesterday’s strength training session with a bunch of Fitness Magazine Videos online. I was supposed to run a 4-5 miler today but due to the fact that I could barely walk (I look very funny when I walk, no joke; nasty limp) I just did a short walk on the treadmill at the gym with 2.33 miles in 40 minutes at a 2% incline.
By the time I got home I was in a fowl mood. Absolutely fowl. I didn’t want to eat anything and just felt BLAH. But then Whit showed up and everything started to slowly melt away…the blah feelings. I had no idea what I wanted to eat for dinner so I just grabbed a whole bunch of stuff to eat including: veggie burger, tomatoes, spinach, cucumbers, carrots, hummus and crackers. And a banana chocolate chip muffin.
Now I’m off to tend to my tired and sore muscles…better mood tomorrow.
24 comments:
I've noticed myself struggling in the last few days, too. Not ED related, but still tough. Hang in there.
I'm not sure what else to say except I am always able to lend an ear if you just need to talk or destress.
I love you!
I want to say three words to you: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
I have struggled for years with perfectionism, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts. They're not ED related, but so much of what you say rings true to me. All I have to do is switch the tone to the things that I obsess about.
This therapy has changed my life completely. And it happened in less than a year. It is powerful.
I strongly suggest it. Make the time, set aside the money. I didn't think anyone or anything could help me. I know what it's like to have thoughts that will not stop. I know how helpless it feels.
If you want to talk about it, feel free to email me. I know how scary it is to change, but it is so worth it.
I've been struggling lately too! You're not alone, if you ever need anything, I'm here!!
:Hugs:
xoxo
Gah, I hate when my appetite goes away. One of the things that makes me happy is eating yummy food and by not WANTING to eat yummy food, it makes me upset.
Whenever something in my life changes that I don't like, the only way that I know how to cope with it is to control my food and exercise which is, as you know, an incredibly unhealthy way to cope with life as a whole. I don't understand why I feel the need to be in control in the first place. I wish I was one of those people that was so nonchalant about everything but ah well. Can only work with what I got :P
Hope you're feeling better tomorrow!!
xxx
Sorry to hear you are struggling angel. You aren't alone and things won't always be this hard. Promise :)
Also when I'm not feeling hungry a mix of various things always seems to get taste buds going again.
Chin up sweetie and try not to be so hard on yourself.
Be kind to yourself, breathe and don't feel guilty, tomorrow is another day! :)
i think it takes someone to distract you so you don't think of those nasty ugly fowl thoughts!! When I'm alone I love it but that's when I keep thinking and thinking and fall into this darkness. When something doesn't go my way I emotionally eat...I still do...I don't do it as much but I do...I try to be better about it by watching a funny show, breathing, or WRITING my feelings down...but sometimes you need to LEAVE the house and just breathe.
I'm working very hard at disassociating any feelings and emotions from food and exercise. remember that they DO NOT have to be related!! sometimes we just need to sit with and deal with our feelings. <3
I'm so sorry you've been hitting a rough patch lately :/ I totally understand, and I'm glad you have good people (and furry friends) in your life to hold you up and be there for you :) Hang in there love, tomorrow's a new day!! xo
I have some control issues too- and my eating takes a hit too. I don't have any great coping mechanism except for talking to someone (and getting the other problem fixed if at all possible). As for skin issues- I've delt with tons of those with my, and my daughter's, very sensitive skin. Shoot me a note if I can help. Also, if Honey is losing pens for you, start moving the furniture. I find tons of things- twist ties, pens, ect., under couches and bookcases and especially the fridge! Silly cats!
trying to figure out how to say this without saying much about my own personal life right now... been learning a lot lately and while I never say addiction or disesases like ED as controlling, I am learning to understand that. got a great thing the other day about control and it really talks mostly about trying to learn that the only things we can control are our attitude and our actions each day.
i know you continue to make strides and move towards a happy place, so I do hope you keep doing some of the therapy you started awhile back
You may want to consider that you might have some food sensitivities or allergies that are contributing to your skin issues and your stomach issues that you have from time to time. Consider Gluten, soy, eggs and dairy, they are the most common offenders. The simplest test is you can eliminate one of those items at a time for two weeks and see how that helps or not, if you notice a difference then it's probably a food you want to avoid. Your body is speaking to you.
I fall into spells of self doubt when things seem to be out of control. It happens, and is often difficult to not think of when it's prominent. You're definitely not alone.
One thing I've found that helps is knitting and crocheting. As odd as it sounds, knowing that I'm starting, creating, and finishing a project really makes me feel pretty good.
Keep moving along. We're all here for you. =)
I can relate with the skin issues and ED because that's exactly what fueled my ED in high school and my logic was pretty much the same - if I can't control my skin, then at least I can my weight. For me, I've found my skin reacts more to my mental state - if I'm stressed, unhappy, etc., skin issues are sure to follow. Not that that makes it much easier to control, but managing stress helps me avoid all the negative stuff that comes with it. Sorry you're going through this now, I still have skin issues myself and it's frustrating. But use it as an excuse to slow down and take care of yourself.
You're kitty is so cute! Mine love to chew up newspapers and plants (even the fake ones!?!). The oats look good, I'm starting to enjoy them more for breakfast on the weekends.
Hang in there, I get the blahs too. *hugs*
I totally relate to your control issue. My ED started when my boyfriend went away to college and started to distance himself, leading to a breakup. If I couldn't control him calling me, I was going to control something...namely my food.
I don't know that I'll ever NOT struggle with occasional ED thoughts, but the progress we both have made is so great!! It's a good thing that you can recognize when you are having bag spells.
I know this is a serious post, but when you said that you're in a "fowl mood" I had this image of you doing the chicken dance and it cracked me up. :) Lol, foul (fowl) mood.
Hope you feel better tomorrow!
i hope today was better!!! chin up girl!
I have had the exact same problem, Melissa. My skin got out of control when I went vegan, which sent me back to my ED (the mindset, mostly, but also a new activity...rather than starve, it led me to a binge/restrict cycle). My skin is still out of control, which boggles my mind given how healthy I eat, but I've managed to completely overcome my mental issues in the last few months. I wish I could say exactly what made it stop. I still feel out of control of my life...besides the skin thing there are much bigger issues, like dealing with the uncertainty of living in a new country and my visa about to expire, not knowing what I will do if I keep having issues with immigration paperwork, etc...but I've tried a lot of stuff to deal with this lack of control in a way that doesn't allow my ED to rear its ugly head. It was no one thing that helped, but I'd just say that I've managed to turn my perspective around. I know I am healthy. It feels good to eat to fuel my body and to have energy. Whilst there are a lot of uncertainties in my life, there's also a lot of excitement. I've just had to tell myself over and over again until I actually believed it that I am fortunate. My problems are a tiny drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of life. I don't want to remember my life through the lens of an ED. I don't want a messed up mentality to keep me from helping others and doing things for the environment. If I fill my head with thoughts of self-loathing, then there's less room to learn more. Less room to be a passionate environmental scientist. And if I stop learning and stop being passionate, then I've lost two of the most important parts of myself. It's just not worth it to devote brain power to something that - at least for me - is too much of a self-involved endeavour.
I also struggle with perfectionism and control. I don't know what to say, besides that I can relate all too well. It is very good fo you to recognize how your rationalization of restriction and using ED behavior is faulty. Thats progress! Hang in there(:
I promise if I make some break through discover about how to take away perfectionism and anxiety, you'll be one of the first to know...(;
*Hugs* I struggle with the same thing. I've been to therapy and 'gotten over' perfectionism/anxiety issues, only to have them rear their head again a few years later when things got tough again.
Hope things get better soon. Have you thought about seeing a dermatologist for the skin issues?
A.L.
At least you are recognizing within yourself that there is an issue going on in your brain! That means you are at least ready to change! Keep venting! It helps!
I`m a bit behind in my blog reading and I`m sorry to hear you`ve been struggling some, hun. I hope things are looking up the past few days...
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