The (Not So Dreaded) French Fries

[[Side Notes: The (Not So Dreaded) French Fries

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In the past week I’ve posted about overcoming some fear foods, more specifically restaurant french fries.  But let me take a few steps back first.

When I was a kid I loved french fries.  Curly, criss-cross, thin, thick, or sweet potato, I love them all.  And what better than to add some seasoning and I’m set!  I remember eating them without a second thought, on days after long and hard practices for cross country, out of the drive through of Carl’s Jr.  Or the night’s during my Senior year of high school when we frequented Red Robin’s for their bottomless pit steak fries.  We even stole bottles of their seasoning off the table because it went great on everything.

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When I entered college and developed my ED, so many things went out the door, those morsels included.  I didn’t eat a french fry for over 5 years.  Yes, FIVE YEARS.  Not only was it because I still considered potatoes a huge fear food, but because they were deep fried/cooked in copious amounts of oil.  That just about scared me shitless.

Over the past few years I have slowly incorporated them back into my life, but most of the time being made by me.  If I did have a fry, it was stolen off of someone else’s plate and quite frankly, rid me with guilt shorty thereafter.  Only until now have I realized how much I missed the taste of a “real” french fry.  And as much as I love the ones I bake, you know there is something special about the ones you get in a restaurant or the drive through.

So last week, when I found myself face to face with getting fries or replacing it with a salad (with a steep price of $3!) I chose to eat what I really wanted: those fries.

I may not have eaten all of them because I was concentrating more on my burger, but I did eat them, until I was content and I felt no shame.  No guilt.  No regret.  I was happy with what I had and enjoyed every bite that I took.

I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy.  I went back and forth more times than I can remember about whether or not I would have them.  They terrified me.  I still have a messed up mindset with fear foods like these and believe they’ll literally make me gain like 30lbs over night.  I know in my heart and mind it isn’t true, but obviously it’s something I struggle with and see how it’s not true when I do eat what I want.

So, this episode came and went.  I ran my race the next day, did great, felt awesome, and never gave it a second thought. I had never felt more normal in my life.  I felt like I was finally moving in the right direction and that someday, somehow, all food would never leave me feeling horrible again.

Then this weekend, I had a date with Whit.  We got out of our movie late and I was hungry.  I picked up the healthy option of strawberries and dairy free ice cream, but he said he wanted In n’ Out.  Such a boy, right?  I didn’t give a second thought to it as we sat through the drive through.  I remember casually laughing about how I would love to snack on some of his fries, but didn’t think I meant it…as I had an inkling of guilt since I didn’t exercise that day and already knew how many calories I had had.

The moment the box was set in my lap, burger and fries, there was no way I couldn’t dig in.  Not only was part of me afraid because it was french fries, but because it was from a fast food joint.  Some part of me has believed that fries coming from a restaurant wouldn’t be so bad, but a drive through?  Shoot me now and clog my arteries solid, I’m gonna have a heart attack.

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I ate half the boat.  We got back to his place and ate some strawberries and ice cream.  And then, THEN, the guilt set in.  Holy crap was it bad.  It hit me like a brick and I seriously didn’t know what to do with myself.  But in the midst of myself attacking myself, I made myself stop and think.

Why do I feel like I shouldn’t have eaten those fries? Why did I feel guilty?  Let me count the ways:

• I didn’t exercise that day.
• I sat in a car for probably around 6 hours driving around.
• I ate chocolate.
• I hadn’t eaten the greatest the day before.  Or the one before that.
• I was stressed.
• I was tired.
• I had just worked almost four 11-12 hour days in a row.
• I was cranky.
• I was hot and uncomfortable with the weather going through the roof to way hot and in the 90’s.

Are those any real reasons to feel like I shouldn’t have eaten them? 

NO. Absolutely not.

So I put it behind me.  I made myself realize the real reasons for my emotions and beat them into the ground.  There is no way or reason for me to feel that way ever.

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To my lovely readers, I have gotten emails from many of you lately about how much you appreciate my Side Notes and how real I am in all of them.  I cannot thank you enough for all your support as I write them.  I write about what I’m feeling at the time, and I know many of you have felt the same way, but what I want to know, is if there are things that you would specifically like to hear about…because I’m sure I’ve been through them at one time or another.  Feel free to leave a comment about Side Note suggestions but if you’re uncomfortable with that, send me an email with your topic and I’ll start writing about them as soon as I can!  ]]