[[Side Notes: Fighting The Hard Fight
Yesterday was the first day in over three months since I literally uttered the words:
“I feel fat. Omg I look so fat. You need to restrict.”
I can’t tell you how many motions took over me when I realized what I had thought and said out loud. At first I was devastated. How could all my hard work and recovery come to this again? Then I was frustrated. I’ve worked too f’ing hard to let this come back into my life. Then I was sad. I can’t believe it’s back.
I’m so….I don’t know. I’m hoping that as soon as these next few weeks even themselves out with work and I get over my last long run this weekend (20 miles!) before the marathon in 25 days, that I’ll go back to being happy with my body.
As of right now, all I see are the flaws. All I see are the things I want to get rid of but don’t have the time or energy to do so. I don’t like what I see at all.
But I know in my mind, it’s the exhaustion talking. Plain and simple, I haven’t been able to focus on myself and take care of it with work.
One day at a time…right?
One good thing about today though, 6 month anniversary for Whit and I! And I look what I had waiting for me on my porch when I got home:
Ahhh… ]]
20 comments:
Melissa, I've never commented, but you are beautiful - don't forget that. And happy 6 months! Today is my anniversary as well (5 years)
Melissa I've never commented either but I just wanted to say you are such a beautiful woman who looks incredible. At the start of my recovery one thing I learned from therapy was how an ed is that awful evil voice in your head,it's one mission is to ruin your life and destroy your happiness. It takes every irrational thought in your head and tries to make it rational. It let's you believe that restricting will solve every problem when only it creates millions more. When I think back to all i nearly lost,with my health and my relationship,I just want to cry. How could I let something so awful ruin all the good things in my life? Challenge all these thoughts you have,be the rational voice in your head,silent those thoughts. Do it for you,you know you can
You can't beat yourself up for feeling this way on top of feeling bad about yourself - you'll only end up making yourself feel even worse! There are going to be times where you "slip up" mentally but you learn from these times and you move on. I think 3 months is pretty AMAZING for not having thought those things about yourself, huh? That's awesome, hun, GO YOU!!!!
What I do when I feel the same thing is that I just acknowledge those feelings and I practice sitting with them. You can't "do anything about them". If you do, then you're just giving in to your ED and you're trying to numb yourself by using behaviours. All you can do is ride the emotional wave and it will get better, I promise :)
Congrats on your 6 month anniversary!!!!
xxx
In my experience, recovery is full of thoughts like that. Even women who don't go through an eating disorder feel like that. But there's a difference between having those thoughts and letting them control you.
You've already come such a long way, and I'm sure that this is just a little bump in the road!
You mentioned that once you run the 20 miles, you'll feel better again, but please don't let exercise be the cure for how you're feeling. I find that letting how much exercise you do determine your self confidence is just as bad as restricting food.
I'm sure that you know all of this already, but I just want to let you know that I'm rooting for you, and I think you're GORGEOUS!
Have a great anniversary and those flowers are beautiful :)
Aww girl, sending you a huge hug. You are better than those thoughts. No matter how recovered someone is, I'm convinced that those thoughts still pop up sometimes...I know I have them, and everyone else I've talked to does too. I'm not saying they're okay, I'm just saying you're not alone. You are beautiful and strong and you're about to run a freaking MARATHON- seriously!! You are awesome. Let yourself recognize those negative thoughts, but please just realize that others see so much beauty in you, and once things settle down a bit you'll see it again too, I promise :) Always here if you need to chat!
It's a journey. The trick is to stop the battle before it consumes you. And you look gorgeous, happy, healthy, and you've loved by a REALLY hot guy. :)
Hold in there, Melissa! We all love you, and many of us struggle with something very similar. We think these thoughts too. We shouldn't, but we do.
We're not perfect, yet we want to be. We want to be BECAUSE we eat healthy and exercise, so WHY the heck don't we look like models, right?? No. We look healthy. For our bodies, this is healthy and THAT is not.
Please don't feel like that, Melissa.
EVERY WOMAN has days where they don't like what they see at all. EVERY WOMAN.
Don't think feeling this way right now undoes all of your recent accomplishments. You've fought so many things recently & come out the other side stronger.
This is just another thing you can fight & come out the other end with more tools to fight the disordered thoughts.
You WILL be okay, Melissa, cos you've already proved you can get over the tough things!
But please don't forget that we all have these days- I'm able to find a little comfort in knowing every person goes through them. Keep fighting! x
One day at a time for sure. Make sure you recognize how far you've come!!
Great blog, btw :)
I wish I could tape record my voice and say "you are beautiful!" whenever you need a pick me up.
Sending huge hugs your way - you are doing great, just keep taking it a day at a time. :D
Love the flowers!
::Hug:: Honestly girl, you are very pretty! I know you need to believe it yourself and that's tough sometimes, but just know that your readers think you are beautiful inside and out. You're amazing to us...we wouldn't keep reading if you didn't brighten our days somehow.
Happy 6 months! That's so sweet of him to send you flowers! That never gets old.
Melissa, you are a beautiful, healthy, and whole individual! Never let ED tell you otherwise. And don't beat yourself up for having these thoughts. We all have fat days, and having bad moments is an unfortunate part of recovery. But you are strong, and can get through this.
Enjoy your six month anniversary and stay strong, girl!
Sending much love your way.
Hugs, Melissa!
The flowers are gorge, BTW...
Sorry you are having a hard time :/ But your flowers are so beautiful.
Just the fact that you know its the Ed talking and that the "flaws" you see exist only in your mind are huge things to be proud of. Sending you hugs and kind thoughts :)
Happy aniversary!
Aww no! :( FIGHT BACK! Ignore that stupid voice that has no idea what it's talking about. You are beautiful :)
Hang in there! Grab on to the happiness in your life and kick that negative voice to the curb;)
((hugs))
I'm sorry you're having (were having?) a hard time. However, in my experience at least, it seems like progress of any sort is rarely lineal. Rather, it comes in fits and starts, and backslides are unfortunately common. So, please focus on how far you've come. It's been months since you've had those thoughts, right? And you recognized them didn't like them, so three cheers for you.
Also, you are right insofar as you say it could be the exhaustion talking. I know EVERYTHING is worse when I'm tired.
And just think of how AWESOME that body is -- it's taken you on a 17mile run!!! That's fantastic!! I can't run one mile, much less 17! Your body also allows you to do the physically demanding job that you love so much. So please, please, please try to focus on the positive. It's there! It really is!
I'm sorry that Ed voice is talking... Tell it all the great things you've got going on and hang up the phone (oh if only it were that easy huh?)
I have only just started reading your blog, and I blinking LOVE it :) You have probably heard this before, but you're inspirational. Honestly.
I HATE that ED is / was being an ass :(((( - sadly I know him only too well too, 20 years of his stoooopid whining, shouting. Urgh. I have been in recovery from AN and BN for nearly a year now, and am weight-restored :)
With love from the UK xx
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